"The Last Song" by Nicholas Sparks book review

I am a sucker for Nicholas Sparks novels. I've only read a small handful of them, but I loved every one. He is easily one of my favorite authors. The Last Song, his latest novel, has become one of my favorite novels.

Just like his earlier novel A Walk to Remember, the main characters in this novel are teens fresh out of high school, so around the age of 18. The love interest is a girl named Veronica "Ronnie" Miller and a boy named Will Blakelee. In a way their story is typical, after reading many love stories, all stories become typical, but it is still very cute.

What I really liked about this book is how Sparks found a way to incorporate God into the novel. This book is about second chances and forgiveness and doing the right thing even when it is tough. That is a great universal lesson for everyone in every age group. Also, Sparks did a great job in showing the Biblical version of love in this novel. I thought that was pretty spectacular. =]

Another thing that really struck me in this novel was how it reminded me of my dad. Of course it made me cry, but at the same time it was a very beautiful.

While reading this novel I pictures certain actors in my mind knowing that this book is in production to being a movie. However, once I went on Nicholas Sparks's website I found out Miley Cyrus is to play Ronnie in the movie that will be coming out soon. Needless to say I was very disappointed at the thought of that. Oh well...it should prove to be an interesting movie then!

And, obviously, I highly recommend this novel. :DD

"Cry of the Icemark" by Stuart Hill book review

Cry of the Icemark is one of the true fantasy novels I've truly read. In this novel there are talking Snow Leopards, vampires, werewolves, and warlocks. In this novel a 14-year-old girl becomes Queen of the country of Icemark and must protect her small kingdom from the invading force of the Empire. In order to do so she builds alliances with mythological creatures, creatures she herself did not believe to be real until she encounters them.

The young queen, Thirrin, is described as a short-tempered girl, and throughout the novel Hill does a could job at keeping her in character. Thirrin remains short tempered throughout the entire novel and is described to be a good Queen. However, I think that Hill did not put much emotion into her...well less emotion than other female protagonists I've read about. This book also, along with fantasy, is about war and strategy and such. After reading it, I believe that "The Empire" that invades other countries resembles the Roman Empire. It was a good novel to read, and it was different from what I normally read so that was quite refreshing.

This novel left the impression that if I were to take away anything after reading this book I should take away the lesson that "miracles happen" and friendship is true strength?

I would recommend it. =]

Ho Hum and a Bottle of Rum

You know, I don't know why people enjoy drinking so much....especially pirates. What's so great about rum. Really? It smells gross...then again, perhaps I have a really strong gag reflex. Huh, who knows. I don't!

Second random point to make...isn't Owl City amazing? I think they (he?) are/is. Whenever I listen to his music (like now!) I have a sudden desire for it to be summer break and for it to be the middle of the night. I desire this because I just imagine myself lying in an open meadow, sometimes with friends, sometimes by myself just staring at the vast indigo/deep blue sky littered with a million stars and there's a nice breeze too. Wowzers, I'm such a dork, haha. =p

Anyway, that's not the reason for the blog, but those were two random things I had to say. Well, anyway, today was quite fun. =]

This morning I went to first service because at second service I am the Sunday school teacher in the two-year old room. The sermon was good, I stayed awake for it, thanks to God. It was funny in a way, me being so tired. I was just thinking about how the Enemy could attack me, and I suppose he has been doing it already. The arguments with the people closest to me, the lame working schedule, and me nodding off during Dale's preaching. I suppose I never thought things like that could really happen to me, or at least not in ways like this...because..this just seems so...small, I guess. I plan on doing the 7 days of prayer thing. Hopefully that goes over well. I think it should...As for the attacks, I just gotta look to Jesus! I mean, really. I still struggle with anger and jealousy and other stupid negative emotions that I'm fairly good at keeping buried (meaning I don't lash out), so Satan was able to play that card on me. And also the working schedule, that was a dirty trick. This will technically be the first Christmas Mommy and I spend together (the last years I don't really count because she was asleep and I spent the hours curled up in myself) and I have to work...especially on New Year's Eve/Day. Also my wandering thoughts and sleepy mind. I love Dale's sermons, sure I can't remember them word for word, but I really like hearing them and taking what he has to say to heart and the enemy was trying to use that against me today by making me soooo sleepy. -_- Well I took a nap, so ha! Beat that Satan! Owned! :DDDD Plus another first service note, today a lady asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I responded "genuine love from friends and family is enough". I realized as I said that...it was true, all I want is just a simple hug (a real one, not the one armed hugs!) and a "happy Christmas, I love you" from the bottom of a friend's/family member's heart is enough for me...but it sounds so selfish...I guess it is because I am so insecure and dependent..because I cannot find good in myself. ._.

>.> Well, that was a weird paragraph...anyway, so after first service, second service rolled around and I was with the babies. Normally Mike, my teaching partner, is there somewhat later than me and today I heard the music start and I'm like "O_O...Mike? *sad*". Cj failed to tell me the Porters' are out of town so I was like "No! I can't do this by myself!". Cj asked me if there was anyone I knew who I could do this with and I said Jakob because he is always with me during Community Groups and he's good with kids and I felt comfortable around him. Cj told me to go get him, I was like "No, you get him. If you go, it looks more official and important". So Cj went, Jakob came, and it went well....-______-''' Ugggh, yeah, it went well...haha. But I think, since Mike is leaving in February, Jakob said he'll be my partner for a while, which is great! So, yeah, Sunday School went somewhat well..I changed a poopy diaper and ran into a door...

Tonight was the College Group Christmas party, I had fun there! It was a White Elephant Exchange so I ended up with the bow and arrow...and ended up trading last minute for the clock, which will be Delaine's Christmas gift (shh! Don't tell!), bahaha. I realized I like talking to guys. It irked me somewhat. I'm not too bothered by it...I'm only weirded out by it when I notice. But..there's something about girls that make me uncomfortable (wow, I sound....bi...). Like, I feel like I'm being subjected to scrutiny more so than with a guy. -_- So yeah, party was fun!

Now I'm home. I uploaded pictures a while ago....they make me happy. :D

Yep.

I was thinking about life...again. The usual stuff. I wish I was gifted with an artistic talent. As I sit here in my chair, in front of my laptop, listening to Beethoven and Owl City, I ponder about life. I could be doing something so much more....useful to the world. But I don't have talents like that, haha. Sad day. But right now I'm wondering is all my big dreams will come true. I'm somewhat determined, but there are so many smarter, more deserving, more...more...just more better minds out there and it is hard to compete with all of that. I want my Master's, but am I intelligent enough to get it? I have so much more thinking to do about life. Especially about..well..

just...one of my dreams I need to give to God. Haha. Maybe in a few years I'll be able to laugh at myself. I hope I can. =]

I saw the Princess and the Frog. It was a good movie. I liked this princess movie because it showed that love is really what everyone needs. You can be this super hard worker as determined as a Japanese kid applying for the top high schools and colleges in their countries (was that racist? If it was, I'm sorry..-_-), but without love that work will not fill any holes in the heart. =\

Yep. That's life.

Ho hum and a bottle of rum. =]

A Little Bit Longer and I'll Be Fine

All's well that ends well.
This is the beginning of the end.
A single stepping stone in a life time of stones.

Today was the last day of school, yayness! I had my Psycholgy and Math final today. Ehhh...I'm not very excited to see my grades. I have high B's in all of my classes (except math), so I should do well overall I hope. Either way, I'm just thankful for these few weeks of break. =]

I'm also quite happy because I have a job (seasonal, most likely), so that'll keep my busy for the time between breaks so I don't get too lazy. I work at Target as a cashier, haha! I actually really like the job. I like talking to customers, it's fun. I don't like working the sales floor though. When I'm on the floor I just pretty much make things look presentable. I don't like the job because I don't know where anything is which makes me feel bad whenever a customer asks me where something is. >.< January 1, 2010. Yikes! It's already going to be 2010! The year went by so fast! Geebus! I'm sure they're only going to go by faster...So yeah, no community groups. That's fine, I get a bit of a break, haha. I bought my kids gifts. I guess I tried to make the gifts go with their personalities....well, at least I tried to, haha. For Marlena, I got her a gift card to Borders because I know she likes to read. For Nathan I got him a Peanuts calendar. For Kyle, I got him a Garfield calender...I pretty much got the boys calenders because I don't know what boys like, haha. Girls are soooo much easier to shop for! For Mia, I got her this really colorful bead necklace and braclet because she has such a loud personality. For Riley I got her this turtle thing that makes noise, and for Kaylee I got her this cool-looking journal. Natalie helped me pick out the gifts. I hope the kids like them...that's part of the reason I told them they had to wait until Christmas to open them, haha. I also bought Christmas gifts for friends as well. I think there are a couple more people I have to shop for, but I don't know what to get them! For some, I feel obligated to buy gifts because they have either bought something for me already or I talk to them a lot and I'm giving gifts to everyone close to me....neh, can I just be super rich please? Tonight instead of doing a lesson with the kids it was just a Christmas dinner thing with the group. That was interesting. I twitched involuntarily and uncontrollably when Jakob messed with the kids minds. It was annoying. For the most part though I sat and listened to the kids tell stories and it amused me. Mia was very loud, of course. She kind of reminds me of Jaymie in a way. Very quick to answer a question in my lesson and always there with a story. If it's not her it's Marlena...I think she reminds me of me because she has this interesting personality that's slightly harsh...haha. I love them. After dinner the adults ate and Jakob and I took the kids upstairs to watch The Prince of Egypt. I like that movie a lot. It was a great childhood movie. Then Jakob and I started talking about pagers because of a commercial on TV when Marlena asked me "what's a pager". I was like "oh gosh I'm old!"....yep.

So community groups...break time! For the next couple of weeks I'm looking at work. I need to copy down my schedule for next week again, haha...unless if I can find it. O.o

Ugggh...tonight went terribly. I let my emotions get the better of me, again. Faaaaail. I hate it when that happens. Mostly because I'm an assuming and negative mind, I think harshly. I don't know....Tonight I sat there and goodness I wanted to cry. No, I'm not on my period. I just wanted to curl into a ball and cry, which was bad..and I think that only happened because my mind takes things to the next level (sometimes it's not always bad. But tonight was kinda negative. What I mean by next level is, example, this happened today with Natalie.
Me: So I should by that penguin book and save it
Nat: yep for your wedding night!
me: yep! So after my husband reads it, it's like "okay! Let's consummate our marriage! Wow...I did not need to take it to this level....). I kinda wrote a poem...or not really...it's just this little thing that's really really bad and ugly, haha, but I will finish off this post with what I wrote.

I think I'm so rash because I lie to myself. A lot. Maybe because he's different. Uggh, I hate blogging about him because it just shows me how pathetic I am and how I try to deny a lot of that pathetic..ness...T_T But, what the flyingflipping heck, I'm going to blog it out.

He's so different from a lot of my friends. It disturbs me and angers me and makes me so annoyed. With a lot of friends I know they love me, they've told me, and there's something in their actions that show me that they love me. But with him, he's neutral...he's cold. It is so hard to understand his feelings. Maybe it is because I try to demand things from him without saying them out-right.

But tonight was another emotional snap, I think...but not an angry one. We were arguing a lot tonight and for some reason, I could not take it. So all in all, I screwed up royally. The arguing was how it normally is, and things were just fine and...better than fine, but I just screwed it up with my freaking emotions gah. Maybe it is a good thing he will go off to some big university sometime soon. Because I'm a terrible person I hoped he would stay close to home, but I realize...that whole story with the two mothers and the baby, the mother that was not the baby's true mother was willing to let the king cut the baby in half, but the true mother sacrificed her child and said let the other woman have it so her baby wouldn't be killed.

Maybe it's like that. I don't him to go far away because I'm terribly selfish and a part of me is still a child and holding, hoping, and praying for something impossible. But the part of me that grows up realizes that because I love him I need to let him go.

Yep.

But tonight....was bad. And it happened with an audience, so of course I was embarrassed. I did what he hates the most, but at the time I wanted to evoke some emotion in him. Something definite...only because I am so insecure. I'm glad I won't be seeing him for a while...but at the same time I'm scared. I did something stupid. What if I ruined what I desired in the first place? I'm scared because with someone like him things can go either way. *sigh*...tonight's episode is a major FML.

Anyway...as promised, I will close with what I wrote:

Can you feel my heart way over here

the pain and yearning from being so near.

Every word I take to heart,

keeping it locked like treasured art.

Can you feel me so close to you,

pleading and praying for a relationship, new?

When you look at me, what do you see,

do you see another face, or do you see me?

See? Suuuuper corny and dumb, haha.

...And tomorrow New Moon with Juliet in the morning! Haha...

"The Time Traveler's Wife" by Audrey Niffenegger book review

The Time Traveler's Wife is such a beautiful story! It's a favorite, that's for sure! Before I read this book I had already seen the movie, and, of course, movies are never as good as the books. Now that I have finished the book, I still think the book was better (of course), but the movie was pretty good too. =]

The characters in this book are interesting; each character has their own personality that is so believeable and real. Compared to other books I have read, the characters that Niffenegger created are very original. Clare is not a helpless or psycho-independent female, and Henry is not a prince perfect knight in shinning armor, he's just an agerage librarian who happens to be a time traveling sex-addict. Each character has their flaws (big and small) that make them believable, as though you'd expcet to see this person walking down the street.

I enjoyed the way the author told the story, how she switched between point-of-views. Also when telling this story, for obvious purposes, Niffenegger used a chronological time-line to help the reader understand where Henry is, whether it be past, present, or future. One thing I really like specifically was the way the author incorporated real events into the novel, such as the 9/11 terrorist attacks.

Only a couple of things made me uncomfortable when reading this book. One BIG thing was the intimacy between Henry and Clare that Niffenegger wrote, and also the relationship between Gomez and Clare. Those couple of things irked me...but I suppose it was necessary in keeping the book original and believable.

Obviously, time was a theme in this book. Time and waiting. When I finished the book I began to think about Clare and how she is always waiting for Henry, even at the end. It made me wonder about myself. In a way, I can relate to Clare's waiting but in two different ways. As a girl she waited on Henry to visit her in the clearing, but she also waited on him to notice her, I suppose. That is something I can easily (>.<) relate to, haha. Heck, any girl can relate to that, waiting on that stupid boy to notice them. Also in the end, when Clare decided she'd still wait on Henry, it turned into a different kind of waiting. She knew he would come, she just didn't know when. That waiting is something I, and I'm sure others, can relate to, but maybe not in the same way. Clare knew Henry would come some day, but when, she wasn't sure. For a lot of girls, and even guys too, it's the same. A lot of people wait on "the one". They know he or she will come, but when they will come is unknown, so they simply wait. Clare is a different case because she knows Henry. O_o

All in all, this book was really good, it's a favorite (despite awkward moments), and maybe one day I'll re-read it....bahaha...recommended! :D

My Dreams Are Bursting at the Seams

I am a drop in the ocean. In a crowd of a million people, I am a faceless and nameless passerby that you will forget after your eyes have scanned over me. I am average. I make B's in school with the occasional A. I am the girl who smiles at you when you're walking down the street. That's a real smile too, because I am happy to be alive and I want you to feel that happiness too, but you're just another person who will look and look away so you don't have to smile. I'm the girl who sings when she walks to her car, and the girl who dances when leisurely walking gets boring.

I am insignificant to a million people. I am nothing to them. I don't have a soapbox to stand on, and I don't have a special talent that can touch many.

But when I die, today I understand that I can be...proud of all that I accomplished. I put a smile on the faces of those whom I love. I comforted the fears of children who looked to me for guidance. I was compassionate to those who needed to know they weren't alone. I held the hands of many who needed to know that someone was on their side. I listened to the voices that yearned to be heard. I worshipped and cried tears of joy when You set my soul afire. I saw beauty in things some couldn't see. I showed love to everyone I could.

When you're old and gray and/or are in the last few days before your breath ceases, what can you say you accomplished?

There are many who are more significant than I. There are those who people are always following and watching and listening to. There are those who are at the top of the top, the best of the best, the cream of the crop. Many of those people die without knowing true joy.

I am not saying all of this to boast or to be proud, but this is in fact, something that amazes me. I don't do much. I'm lazy as heck, I want to curl into myself and hide in my imaginary turtle shell when I meet someone new, and I usually prefer the company of books to people. I amazed that I accomplish so much.

How did this happen? How could such as wretched, insignificant, lowly creature such as myself do all this?

Well, boys and girls, I did nothing. It was all God. Look at what he has done with me.

My prayer, one of the many prayers, has always been for Him to use me, some way, some how. When I pray, I scream to Him, "God, here I am! Right here, God! Look, use me! Me, Lord!" Somehow, because I am still a child at heart, I dream that maybe I'll make a name (or rather, God will make a name for me), that after my body has returned to the earth from which I was created that my name will live on. A girl, a woman, who glorified God with all that she was. She changed the hearts of many. She left a big impression. My child-like self dreamt, and sometimes still dreams that.

But I am humbled to find that my prayer has and is coming true still. Sure, people across the world do not know my name, heck, few remember me because I curl into myself, but, I have changed lives because of God. Without Him, I am insignificant and lack a purpose. With Him, I am a most dazzling precious treasure, and that, kidlings, is hard to believe.

But, at this time, I still remember I am young. Just barely an adult of 18...so yes, still a child in many ways. I do believe there is more I can do for God. There is more left that He has planned. He's not through yet.

That excites me. That makes me smile. It also gets me thinking about who I am, how my personality has been molded. I love kids. I squeal at the sight of a baby and seeing one smile melts my heart. When I watch a movie of this adult couple going through a terrible divorce, sure, my heart breaks for them, but I am constantly thinking, "the kids. What about the kids?!" I can't stand to see people genuinely hurt. I can't stand tears; I wish it was me instead of them. I don't like sadness in other people, I can't stand it. I love unconditionally, I love everyone I meet (despite curling into a mental fetal position when meeting someone new and preferring books to people). I am a hopeless romantic.

All of those...well, maybe not the last one, can be used to glorify God. I can't wait to see what He does with that. Three or four years ago I never imagined myself on the road to becoming a social worker, I was set on being a writer, but here I am, my first semester of college nearly done, and on the path of social service. Wow...and I thought it was all me, but now I see it was God.

I still love writing, it's a great passion and source of happiness, but today, I know that if my intent was still set on writing I know I would not fully be satisfied. Sure, I'd be doing a passion, but I be doing it out of pride, not glorification for God.

Wowzers. God's so mysterious and great. I wish I could understand all that He is and all that He does, but I can't!

=]

Wow, just wow.

Thanks, God. Thank You for everything.

Last night I dreamed..

...and it made me laugh, but at the same time, quite sad.

In the dream I listened to you talk on the phone with her. I was annoyed by the way she made you laugh. And in the dream you were supposed to dance with me, but instead you decided last minute, she'd be the one you'd dance with instead.

Then the dream changed to you and me. I was just waking up, but I was on the phone with you. You were just waking up too. I don't remember who called who, but we were talking and it was raining outside (I think this only happened because I was just about to wake up in real life and it was raining outside =p). I remember snuggling into my blanket in the dream, knowing I did not have school later so I could relax, and I remember you telling me a story and I smiled because I was hearing your voice. I remember talking with you for a while, I didn't make you laugh as much as she made you laugh, but I had the feeling you never stopped smiling when I was talking to you. Then I asked you about a dance, already knowing that she had taken my place, and I don't remember your answer, but I had a sense of dancing in the rain.

Then I was in class, listening to a lecture when the teacher suddenly started talking about you, and a girl who is going to a university out of state sat next to me in the dream and she said that every big school wanted you and you were going to do big things. And she said to let you be you, and eventually you would come back to me. I remember laughing in the dream at the ridiculous notion that you were known at a school you didn't even attend.

O_o oh what a dream.

I can't believe you didn't want to be my dance partner anymore. >.<

Opinionated.

Lately I've been thinking about people, myself, and life in general...but that's not new. However, recently I have been pondering on the idea of opinions. People are very opinionated, no matter what. In a way, people are biased, some more strongly than others.

Looking at myself, I believe I am somewhat opinionated. I don't know how biased I am though. Maybe because I am not very self-assured. I consider myself flexible, constantly changing, and altruistic (and become more so every day!). If I look at where I am today and where I was a few months ago and where I was a year ago I can see many changes in myself. My core values are always the same, those are some things I am highly opinionated on.

But for other things, when I observe people, I suppose...I am weak compared to them...I'm using the term "weak" for a lack of a better adjective. When I listen to friends, family, and classmates talk, many of them are very self-assured, very "I'm right. This it what is right!". When talking with said friends and family and classmates, I find myself easily swayed, or highly likely to question what I do believe. Occasionally I will get into an debate with a person if they think differently or are wrong (two VERY different things!), but eventually I do back down because the person's will is usually stronger than mine and I'm tired of fighting.

Sometimes I wish I could be like that. I wish I could be as forward with my thoughts and what makes me, me. I don't know. Maybe it's because I lack a certain confidence a lot of other people have, and maybe I'm still child-like in the way I think...maybe I'm just shy. I don't know.

I am slightly envious of those who can defend themselves and their opinions with such vigor. It's refreshing and amusing...amusing in a good way. It's nice to see that people have their own minds and will readily defend what they think. I hope that I will be able to become more strong-willed and capable to be just as open as they are too. :]

"Forget December"

"It won't be better

than I remember it before

And this month only

would be so lonely

And not so holy anymore.....

On Christmas morning

Outside was pouring

It was hopeless in this home..."

Happy December!

Is it? Is it really?

December, as of late, has been a pretty dismal month for me, which is funny. Well, not really. It was only recently that I decided that Christmas is my favorite holiday. I love the Christmas/New Year season. Everyone is so happy, there are smile everywhere and the it's just so romantic. The lights are beautiful, the weather is colder, and except the for grinches and ba-humbugs, everyone just seems to be in a better mood. It's a great feeling. I especially love the Christmas story about Jesus! :D That's a favorite, of course. =] <3

But, at the same time, this time of year has been hard on me for the past two years going on 3 this year. December 2007 was a bad time for me because two things happened: 1. I had lost my then-best friend 2.That's when the complications with Dad truly began, or rather, the end began. Both of which still effect me today (well, more so, that Dad part). Since then, December/January has been a blue month for me. Some days it felt like I was going through the motions of happiness. Family's here! Yay put on a smile! Christmas party with friends! Yes, smile and be attentive! New Year's party! Yay, smile again! Well, I am happy for the most part, but all the while in the back of my head, I'm just thinking of all the things that happened in the past years. I wonder if I did the right thing. I pray that Dad's watching me. I miss him so much.

You know, before 2007, Christmas was always an interesting time for me. It was Dad and me and my brothers and sisters, Mom worked, and even then, I was never with her. ._. I am a terrible person. Anyway, I was happy on Christmas. I asked for no gifts but family insisted and I just said money to make people stop asking. I didn't have presents to unwrap because of that, but that was okay, I was content with hugs and cards of money. I was happy watching everyone open gifts. I was happy to see that Dad was smiling and singing and opening his presents. I will always remember the hours that Dad and I spent Christmas just the two of us before we went out to a brother's or sister's house. Dad always felt so bad because we didn't have a tree, because he couldn't wrap a present for me. To this day, I don't care. Sure, I love Christmas tress, stockings, and ornaments, but that's not what made me happy. It was Dad. He tried. He did what he could. He never failed to tell me that the greatest gift of all for him was me (after Jesus, of course), Christmas or not. And the first year I spent Christmas without him and without the family I sat in the living room at my mom's house while she slept the entire time. I did nothing but sit.

December is a hard month on me. Today, it's not as bad, but sometimes I still feel the pain of not having Dad there. But, I'm still here, so is Mom. I can make it good for her, right?

Haha, I do know, that when I have my family, my kids are going to be sick of holidays. I want to decorate. I want them to experience the joy of being with friends and family in a loving environment. And I want them to know that they will be my greatest gifts for Christmas and for the rest of the year.

Well, the greatest gifts after the gift of salvation. :]

"You are my reason for Breathing"

I'm not talented.

I'm just...not. Haha.

I can't draw, I'm a mediocre writer at best, I can't play an instrument, I can't cook, I can't can't can't sing and I don't think I can dance. I sure as HECK cannot take pictures.

I fail at all of the above things. But, you know what? It makes me happy! So what I'm not a DaVinci, or a Jane Austen, or a Mozart, or a Julia Child, or a Hannah Montana (she can sing and dance, so I'm using her! >_<), or a really good phtographer who I can't think of. I'm not good at those things, but it makes me happy. I love drawing stick figures and doodles all over my notes. I love trying to sketch something when I feel creative. I love writing with imagery. I love..well..I love music. I cook with love to please who I'm cooking for, that's the secret ingredient I learned from my Dad. I loving belting out a song, and I love studying dance/dancing in general! I love capturing the beauty in the world when I get a chance.

I know I complain A LOT about where I am. About how much I hate the sun. About how cold it gets. About how this how that, how everything. But in the end, I realize how much I like it (well...not those super sweltering hot days >.<>

And I'm going to capture and honor Him for his awesome perfection (who He is, and what He made) by drawing, by cooking, by singing, by dancing, by writing, and yes, by photography. I'm not trying to please anyone...well, maybe a little, but all in all, I'm going to do what I love so long it is right in his eyes.

And here's a somethingorotherwhatnotthing that I wanted to write. :)

The sun was just setting behind the vast ocean, turning the sparkling blue water into a majestic blue and green. Despite the hot day in good ol' Southern California the wind blew, creating the perfect breeze.

Shrugging on my black jacket I pulled the sleeves into my hands and joined my friends conversation. Today, I don't remember what we were talking about, but I do remember it was funny. When conversation died and the other kids moved on to play Frisbee or volleyball or sit and chat, I glanced out to the water that beckoned me. My eyes fell upon a boy sitting back on his elbows looking out at the sea. He was alone. Knitting my eyebrows together momentarily I made a face, wondering if he was okay. Perhaps he was just one of those anti-social people.

Shrugging my shoulders indifferently I walked in his direction, but not toward him. Sitting several feet away from him I drew my knees close to my body and looked out at the water, letting a hand idly sift through cold sand. Smiling to myself I closed my eyes and thanked God. Thanked God for the beach, for being where I was that summer day, and for good friends.

Opening my eyes I noticed movement from the peripheral vision. Turning my head I looked at the boy with the oddly dyed hair who had gotten up. His eyes met mine for a moment.

"Uhm, hi," I said in a lame and awkward voice, offering the smallest of smiles. I was still new and other people intimidated me. I did however, keep eye-contact with the boy, partly because I was jealous of the color contrasts of our eyes (I was dark where he was light), partly because he was oddly intriguing, and partly because I enjoy keeping eye-contact with people.

Offering a smile he repeated a "hello" as he dusted the sand off his jeans.

Little did I know he would mean so much to me later.

Before I could think of anything else as the boy walked away a friend came and sat beside me, looping her arm through mine, making me smile again at the blessing of friends.

:)

"Tempted" by P.C. and Kristin Cast

Tempted is the latest installment in the brilliant House of Night series. Having just finished it, I can truthfully say it is definitely a favorite book and series. I did however hate the cliffhanger at the end of this book! Ugggh! Terrible!

Anyway, the thing I like most about this series it the writing. The Casts are excellent writers. I can say this because when reading this book, I am easily emotionally attached to Zoey and all the other characters. Although my life is nothing like Zoey's, I can feel all her heartache and frustration. I love it when a book can do that to me! I especially felt the emotions in this recent installment. When Erik became a jerkface I was annoyed. And the whole Heath/Stark thing, I could also feel her emotions with those two. I love it!

The only thing (well, things), I don't particularly like so much about the series is the writing style and religion. The writing style is great and the characters have been given a lot of personality in the books, but honestly...I don't know teens that talk in the fashion that that Casts have scripted for their characters. So, it's fun to read, but sometimes it gets kind of annoying.

And another big big BIG thing that gets to me is the religion..Nyx and goddesses and all that fun stuff. Yeah no. I like learning about religions, but I believe the Casts have woven their own religion for this series. It makes me a bit uncomfortable because I am so devoted to my own faith, but I still read. I guess it is really cool that Zoey is so devoted to her goddess and her emotion for Nyx is so powerful and passionate..but while I read, I can't help but thing "Ahhh! You should be believing in God!"

Yeah, I think those are the only things that irk me.

A definite recommended book! It's excellent! =]

"Nightmare's Edge" by Bryan Davis book review.

Just finished reading Nightmare's Edge by Bryan Davis, the final book in his Echoes from the Edge trilogy. It was a good book, but it seemed kind of anti-climatic in a way. Then again, that's just me.

I really enjoyed his series though. I love how the fate of the world rests in the hands of those who play music, but ultimately in the hands of God. That's the great part. =] But, overall, after reading his trilogy, my favorite part would always have to be whenever he mentioned Nathan and Kelly. The idea of dancing together for eternity, and that Nathan looked beyond her past. That was a great thing in the book.

A highly recommended series. =]

Of Course You Can

I never thought it was possible to become physically ill like I am right now. It's something you read about in books. How the stomach knots all of a sudden and the character becomes physically ill. Nope, that's never happened to me before. But, I can't say that anymore. Well, it's a shocking feeling...I don't like it. =p

Well, I've done some serious thinking in the past half hour. I'm a little girl with little girl thoughts that needs to grow up and face the real world.

Fairy tales don't exist.

They aren't real.

Plain and simple.

But life does go on. Oh yes, it does...and so painfully does it.

Maybe I'm throwing a silent tantrum right now. This illness is a result of it. But, I need to grow up. I need to take my heart back and give it back to You. It was fun regressing, but really, it's time to stop.

Face what's never going to happen. Face what's going to happen.

I hate where I am right now. I hate this state of being. I hate surprises, I ahte not knowing. Heck, I hate not knowing if I'm going to get my classes or not next week. I hate not knowing what I'm doing for Christmas. I hate not knowing what's going to happen tomorrow in English class. I don't like being the one surprised. I hate not knowing if my dreams will come true or not. I'm sick of my heart hurting and it's all my fault. I'm sick of crying over somethin I can change. I'm sick of being selfish, and yet I will continue ranting on selfishly because I can and because I'm letting everything out. I'm sick of it all. I haven't been sick of life and tired of living in a while, but today has broken that streak. I want to go to sleep tonight and not wake up to face tomorrow. I'm done, I'm over it.

Can't you see God, how much I need you?

Of course. I'm stupid. You can.

I've grown up learning that nothing I do will ever be hidden from you, I learned that you know me more than I know myself. But, God, do You really see every tear and care for each? Maybe it's my own stupid heart that's blocking you out just like fat is blocking the good blood from getting to my heart. Do you really see my throat choking me as I try not to cry?

Of course You can.

Of course You know I mean nothing that I type, of course You know that I want to wake up tomorrow and within the week it'll be different and all will be right and happy with the world again.

Why can't I pray for days on end anymore?

You are the Alpha and Omega. The beginning and the end. Night and day. Everything. My hope, my dreams, my love. Everything. Perfect in every way possible.

But I am so imperfect and I screw up royally. A lot. And I know that as this rant ends. You'll take me back because You love me unconditionally.

And that is not fair.

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder...

...but it could also make the heart forget. Quite a contradiction isn't it?"

What category will you fall under?
What category is she under?
What category will I go under?

It's a weird thing, how the heart works. Either way, I'm going to have to find out sometime, aren't I? Can I choose neither? If my heart were to grow fonder...then. Hmm, that'd be weird. But maybe that means I'd mellow with age.

If the heart forgets...that's worse. But that could be a good thing, actually. I mean, the heart will forget and then it will re-learn everything again, right?

Yes. It is indeed quite a contradiction, my friend.

When I Grow Up..

...will I look back at this and laugh?

When I grow up will all of this be funny?
Will I remember it fondly?
Will we laugh at this ridiculousness?

"Smile" by Uncle Kracker

"You're better then the best
I'm lucky just to linger in your light
Cooler then the flip side of my pillow, that's right
Completely unawareNothing can compare to where you send me,
Lets me know that it's ok, yeah it's ok
And the moments where my good times start to fade

You make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed, sing like bird
Dizzy in my head, spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Ohh, you make me smile

Even when you're gone
Somehow you come along
Just like a flower poking through the sidewalk crack and just like that
You steal away the rain and just like that

You make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed, sing like bird
Dizzy in my head, spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Ohh, you make me smile

Don't know how I lived without you
Cause every time that I get around you
I see the best of me inside your eyes
You make me smile
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild

Y make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed, sing like bird
Dizzy in my head, spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Ohh, you make me smile




"Smile" by Uncle Kracker is a super cute song. I mean, look at the lyrics, it's really cute! I totally picture a black and white video and when it goes to the chorus everything goes into color. It's be a really good song for one of those allergy commercials...what's that product called? Claretin Clear? Or something like that. It'd be a good song for that thing. :] It's also a cute song for a crush or something.

But I have to nit-pick this song. I love the lines of the chorus such as: "you make me smile like the sun...dizzy in the head...dance like a fool...you make me smile." That's really nice, I think. It's such an energizing thought, and it makes me smile because I'm smiling as I think about how someone makes me smile. This song is just one big smile.

But at the same time, I don't like lyrics like this: "You're better then the best I'm lucky just to linger in your light". I mean, they're creative lyrics, and I'm sure that it must be nice to know that someone does this to someone, but, at the same time. These lines should be all about God! It's funny to think that they aren't. Even my favorite lines should be about God. It's weird to think that he's not thinking about God. It's almost...blasphemy...ish. O.o To compare someone's light to God's. God gave that person the light that makes you smile. O_o

This is a cute love song, no doubt, but it's weird, what if the "you" breaks up with the "me", in the song? Will the "I" still be smiling? Nope! Does God break up with people? Nope!

See? This song should really be about God. Really, it should. :] God should be the reason we're "buzzing like a be" or "dancing like a fool" and He should be the reason for the smile. :]

Which brings me to another thought...How can someone not be completely in love with God? How can a love for another human being become one's god? I mean...neh. I don't want to get into it. I won't be able to reach a conclusion because I'll just be giving my questions more questions as answers soooo...I'd be going in this giant circle. >.<

So what did we learn today? This song isn't about God, but it's still super cute. It's great to think that someone does this to us, but so long as we remember that God is above all of this and He should be the real reason for the smiles, it's okay. :] "you makes me spin like a record and dance like a fool...you make me smile" <33

Yes, I totally procrastinated on homework. Uggh..I'll go do it. >__<

Boredom

I am so bored. I missed out on college group tonight because I'm baby-sitting. Wheee. I'm sad I miss it because this means I'm missing it two weeks in a row. But at least I get a little money, right?

Yeah, well, I'm bored. The kids are asleep and I finished my homework early. I didn't think I'd to bring a book because I thought I'd be doing homework up until Cj and Jandy returned. But nope. I finished my homework early because I didn't have Internet distraction. Now I do. But I'm bored on-line. That's funny. Isn't the Internet supposed to kill boredom or something? Well, I don't know. All I know is that I'm going to be here until a little after midnight. I don't want to watch television because it looks like the Palmers' have a million channels and I'd get too engrossed by it, haha. I really like their house. It's definitely a tall person house, I'm not going to lie about that. Although Jandy isn't very tall. She's like 5'6'' I think. I don't gauge heights or distances or weights or anything along those lines very well.

So as they left, I briefly saw Caedon, their eldest child before he went to bed. Before they left he goes up to them individually and is all "Bye mom, love you. Bye Dad, love you". It's super cute. Normally ten-year-olds are so anti-parents. Or not completely...they just don't like hugging their parents. so yep. Super cute. =] Chayah and Cobyn were already asleep before I arrived. Haha, except for Jandy, everyone's names start with the letter "C". You know, I just thought of this tonight...what does "Cj" stand for? Hmm, I'll ask him when he comes back tonight!

Well, I'm on Skype with Natalie and Delaine. Natalie isn't talking to me, and Delaine and I just started creating a story....scratch that, Natalie just responded to me, so she's talking to me. Yep, haha.

So the baby monitor in Cobyn's room is really freaking me out here. I'm sitting in the room and it's really quiet and all of a sudden I hear deep breathing or the occasional whine. I know that Cadeon is sleeping in Cobyn's room tonight and Jandy told me that he used to have night terrors but he doesn't have them anymore. So I'm freaked out. I expect to hear psycho screaming coming from the upstairs. And my nap didn't help either. Everyone was texting me during my nap and I had a nightmare about baby-sitting the Palmer kids tonight. So bleh. I think I'm going to go check on the kids now...

...They are all fast asleep. Good.

Ugghh...can I not be human please? Can my emotions please just go die in a ditch? That's be great. That'd be super!

But they won't *sigh*.

Fail. Well...I'm going to go find something else to occupy my time.

I want to be...

...who I used to be.

But wait, let me explain. I want to the positive things I once was. They used to call me graceful. They used to call me sweet. They used to call me elegant. They used to call me calm. I want to be all that again. I suppose I like who I am today to a certain extent: klutzy, spastic, and mm....unique, I suppose. But I don't like it at the same time. I'm not who I used to be.

What brought this up? Life. People in my life. People that make me think. There are certain people that I know that are just...grawr, rude. It's annoying. And well, I don't do anything about it. I get annoyed, and in my mind I just want to yell and snap and be rude to them back, but I'm not. And it got me thinking about who I used to be. I used to be this friendly (but super shy person..well, I'm still super shy-ish..) who was sweet to everyone. I was called "one of the nicest people ever". Today, I don't think I can be called that anymore. I sure as heck can't be called elegant or graceful anymore.

I think I want to go back to that. Hmm, how to do it though. Is it possible to grow up again?

My heart...

...feels funny.

I feel...

...bubbly (damn, when I say the word bubbly I can't help but think of that song. >_<).

Mmmm...I don't like it!!


>.>

Seriously.

<.<

I don't like this smile that won't die. I don't like the giggles that escape my lips even as I type. I don't like the random out of no where blushes making my face red. I don't like any of it.

I hate it all.

Hate iiiitttt!

Because it's stupid.

Becase he doesn't deserve it.

HE deserves is. HE is Christ. He should be the bubbly feeling.

Crap. -____-

"Salem Falls" by Jodi Picoult book review

This is another excellent book by Jodi Picoult! She did a really good job at re-creating a modern day witch hunt. In this book, Jack St. Bride, a former teacher at a private school, is accused of a heinous crime to which he must prove his innocence. However, proving one's innocence is difficult when one is new to a small town without crime. Believing in one's own innocence is also difficult without love beside a person.

This is a great book! I would recommend it to most people, haha. =]

Take your time, take what you need to, peace of mind should never leave you...

Well, that was a super long title, but those are super great lyrics (FM Static...awesome band!!!)! :D Earlier today Jaymie, Natalie, Jon, and I got back from our trip to visit Jeff at Long Beach, Stephanie at Biola, and Kelli and Anna at Azusa.

I am SOOOOO freaking tired, my body is, but it was a very good trip. It was great seeing those campuses as well as our friends who are away.

First, we saw Jeff at CUSLB and we waited an hour just for him. In that time we got lunch and Jon met some of his friends at the school. Then when we finally see Jeff we got a tour of the campus. It's a nice campus...it's VERY big. We walked around it twice. And it was evil. Completely evil. I wish I was exaggerating but I'm not. My body hurts because of that campus, haha. But it was nice nonetheless.

Then we went to Biola to visit Stephanie. Biola is such a....darling campus! It's like...hmm..It's like a modern day fairytale! A modern day fairytale with a giant Jesus mural up a wall. O_o It's a really small campus compared to Long Beach and APU. Biola has only about 6 thousand students or so. It's such a fairytale campus because of it's size and there's just something about it that's just so...so...charming. I really enjoyed it though. It's really pretty. :] Hanging out with Steph was pretty fun too. We got dinner at Panera and then played Apples to Apples. Best game ever!

Then finally, we went to Azusa. I love that campus. I've been there once before and it is amazzzing. Both times we stayed with Anna and Kelli. This time they live in apartments that are part of the campus and the apartments are nice! I loved the way they decorated it(with the help of their other roomate). We went on a late-night adventure for doughnuts to which there were four of us in the backseat of Kelli's car...haha. Fun fun..then we watched "High School Musical 3"... :DD We spent last night at APU then today we went to the bookstore on the campus and Jaymie and I bought sweaters. Mine is bright pink and hers in lime green. Teehee. Then we came home.

It was a really good weekend...for the most part.....

but because of the evil of Long Beach, I don't know if I want to go there anymore, haha. I don't know. I have other campuses left to visit so we shall see, we shall see. But if I don't want to go to LB anymore, where do I want to go? That bugs me. I don't like NOT KNOWING what I'm going to do. I mean, I still want the major I want, but as for where I will complete it...ugggghh.

So I suppose the title of this entry and the line of the song is perfect. I still have time to ask God what's going to happen and what should I do and I just need to have peace....=]

17 Ways to like someone??

Hmm..this is interesting...let's see then...do I have all 17 symptoms?

SEVENTEEN:You look at their profile constantly.
Mmm..no. He doesn't have a profile for anything...at least I don't think he does.

SIXTEEN:When you're on the phone with them late at night and they hang up, you still miss them even when it was just two minutes ago.
Eh...sorta. Depends. I smile a little more after the conversation than before we talked. I only miss that the conversation is over, haha.

FIFTEEN:You read their Texts and Ims Over and over again.
No..but I keep his words in my head over and over.

FOURTEEN:You walk really slow when you're with them.
No? I haven't noticed. I think I'm just really thrilled around him that I don't know if I'm slow or fast.

THIRTEEN:You feel shy whenever they're around.
Not anymore, haha. Well, that's actually debatable. I mean, I can talk around him. I can laugh, but I'm not really 100 percent me. Haha.

ELEVEN:When you think about them, your heart beats faster but slower at the same time.
Sometimes. Lately, I just get happy. :]

TEN:You smile when you hear their voice.
OH YEAH. BIG time.

NINE:When you look at them, you can't see the other people around you, you just see him/her.
No. Haha. Because I'm jealous of the other people around him...just kidding. But I do notice others because that's the way I am and it amuses me to see how he interacts with others too.

EIGHT:You start listening to slow songs while thinking about them.
No. Well...lately, yeah, but not slow songs. It's like "Huh, this song reminds me of him."

SEVEN:They're all you think about.
It may seem like it but no, I am not that shallow.

SIX:You get high just from their scent.
Bahahahahahahaha...<.< >.> ..^///^ He smells nice. Almost as good as me. No, better than me! :o

FIVE:You realize you're always smiling when you're looking at them.
Yeah, I do. Only he doesn't see it. Today he told me that I'm "never happy". To which I responded, "Nope, I'm not, but I'm eternally joyful" to which he said "no, you're not. You're not that either." I then responded, "Haha, joy and happiness are different things, my friend. Don't you know?" After that he fell silent.
I win. :D

FOUR:You would do anything for them!
What's anything? Act weird and a bit foolish to make him smile if he's crabby? Yes, I would...but in private. Not a public spectacle. But no. Not really. I wouldn't...

THREE:While reading this, there was one person on your mind this whole time.
Well...yeah....I mean..it would have defeated the purpose if I didn't.

TWO:You were so busy thinking about that person, you didn't notice number twelve was
....

ONE:You just scrolled up to check & are now silently laughing at yourself.
...Well that's stupid. And no, I'm not.

Well, that was pointless, haha. So..do I like him or not? According to this, possibly not. But I don't think I'll judge liking someone by some stupid MySpace thing.

Let's see..what do I think liking someone is..

well..it's been different lately. In the past it's been really bad because I didn't like myself and I used a crush as an excuse to change. But now...hmm...let me think.

I want to be around him all the time. I want to be near him, because when I'm near him, I smile. When I'm near him, I'm happy..just like any other friend. And I want to make him happy. As much as I want to be around him, I want to give him his space because I don't want him to grow tired of me.

He makes me laugh. When he's not crabby, he makes me feel good about myself. Well, HE doesn't make me feel good about myself, but he's a helper. He's like a talking-mirror. Because I kept my mirror veiled for so long and when I took down the veil I put up a fun-house mirror, I distorted my image so I could hate on myself. Then I told God to take that way and He did. He put a real mirror in front of me and called me perfect.
And I'm starring at the mirror and I'm looking. Just looking. I immediately see all the faults, and "he", the talking-mirror, talks to me and points them out. Only he's not bad about it. He makes me see something I can't pin-point, brings it out, and shows me how to make it better.

When I'm around him, I'm shy and open at the same time. I can converse with him, talk with him about God,...I can give him a "fake wet willy"and argue with him and fight and know it's okay. We can spend a couple of hours just being stupid. Well..me being stupid and him attempting to confuse me...and usually succeeding. But I am shy because I can't sing and dance and be hyper-active around him because I'm still embarrassed, haha.

When I'm around him my heart..does something. I don't know. My heart pulls me to him, but I guess it's my emotions.

When I'm around him, I know I have a friend. I know I'm not his favorite friend. I know I'm very low on his list. But I know I am his friend. And I know that it's not the crush that's making me go to God about him. It's the spirit of Christ's love that compels me to do so.


Somewhere in my life...about 3 years ago, I decided that I was going to end up in an abusive relationship. I wasn't going to fight it because I thought that's how some people showed love.

Today I know I'm worth more than that. God wouldn't let that happen. And today I know that when I am perfectly molded at the right time, it's not going to happen. I won't settle for abuse. I want nothing less than a gentleman. Someone who respects others and me. :DD


Yeeeep....just felt like blogging....O_o

And did I seriously blog about my crush? Really? Faaaaail...hahaha. Go me. -____-

"Blood Promise" by Richelle Mead book review

A couple of hours ago I finished Blood Promise by Richelle Mead. The book is the 4th installment to the Vampire Academy series. And vampires...well, what can I say, I love them! In my defense, I was into vampires long before Twilight was popular...and even now, except for random conversations about vampiricy (is that a word or term?!), I'm not overly obsessed over them. I love reading about the way authors have twisted and molded the vampire mythology and made it their own. It's intriguing.

Well, anyway, back to the book review. So Rose goes on her search for her beloved Dimitri and there are, of course, many twists and turns along the way. I could not put the book down. And when I had to I couldn't concentrate I was out, wondering what would happen next! This 503-paged book was a fast read as a lot of teen books are, haha.

As the series progressed, I feel as though I can identify with Rose better than I can with Lissa. At first upon reading the first book in the series, I felt an attachment to Lissa because of her need to have everyone happy and to heal (yes, I get that into the books I read!). As the series progressed, however, I began to feel as though I could relate more to Rose.

In no way am I a super fit butt-kicking person like she is, but her emotions feel more....real than Lissa's. It's like Lissa has a hard time admitting she's wrong and she tries to hide her emotions a lot more (although her personality is a very "real" one that I would identify in a girl today) whereas Rose makes mistakes. She knows she's not the sweetest cookie in the batch. She knows she's brash and impulsive and she knows she makes mistakes. Although she's extremely stubborn when it comes to admitting it to others she can admit it to herself. She values justice and doing what it right. She would put her life on the line because someone she loves in danger. And I suppose I can relate more to that...hehe...yes, I do live in a realm of dorkdom. :p

Anyway, it is an excellent read, I would recommend it to anyone over the age of 15! Okay...maybe 14...but only because Mead blogged about her books being banned in a school district in Texas. They were banned for being too sexual for middle schoolers, and when I think about it, it's like "uhmm...yeaaah...they kinda are. That's why they are aimed for older teens...". I personally don't think there's too much wrong with Mead's books because situations in the book don't have much affect on me. There is underage drinking and some drug use. There is sex. But I think I am mature enough to know drugs and alcohol are bad and sex is a no-no when you're not married. :p

So yep...that's pretty much it.

What did we learn in this entry?
The Vampire Academy series is a must read! :DD

"To Hold the Crown" by Jean Plaidy book review

"To Hold the Crown" is the first book in the Tudor series written by Jean Plaidy. It is a good historical fiction book...with an emphasis on fiction, I suppose. This story was about Henry VII and Elizabeth of York.

Supposedly this book is supposed to be a love story of this royal couple, but I felt that as a romance, this book fell a bit short. It was a good read, there's no doubt about that, but to call it a "love story" would be using the term very very lightly. The book was mostly about the happenings of the kingdom, rather than a love story. When Elizabeth and Henry were mentioned together it was very brief. The story was more about how Henry VII ruled and political gain and their children.

I would recommend this book to those who like historical fiction. For those who are really looking for a love story, however, I would kind of recommend this book because of other side stories, but it's not a "true" love story. But for those who enjoy historical fictions, this is a great and captivating story!

"Maximum Ride book 1" by James Patterson review

Suuuch a good book! Eeep! I finished it this morning and it was great! I can't wait to read the next one, but unfortunately I must wait a while...*sigh*

Well, anyway, this book is great. It's about six kids who are genetic mutants who are on the run from the scientists who created them. These kids have wings. The oldest is named Maximum Ride, and she's the leader of the kids and yeah. This story is basically them trying to find out more about themselves as well as staying alive. It's really good. It's definitely a favorite...I know I don't make it sound that interesting, but it really is. =]

The only thing I don't like, it's just a personal weird quirk of mine, is the oldest character's age. She's 14, and the story is mainly told from her point of view. I suppose I don't like reading stories from that age's perspective because I was already there and it's over with, but in this book I didn't mind so much.

I would recommend it to anyone. It's amazazing.

And no, that was not a typo. =]

Teehee...secret time!

Wowzers, over the last 24+ a couple hours I've been in a really good mood, haha. Things that would normally turn me all "rawr hiss I will eat you grrr!" hasn't affected me as much or at all as a matter of fact. I'm very happy...I'm very joyful...huh, there must be something in the water, or something. :p I pray it lasts, though...I like the feeling! It makes me feel good...I feel really invincible, and that's just a corny thing to say. But it's true..so so true. :p That, and I'm a better person. I'm less...neurotic. Less insecure. Sure I apologize a lot, but I can joke more. I'm more comfortable in my skin. :p

Anyway...secret time!

Okay..well, I don't even know why I'm blogging this publicly instead of writing it in my own diary, but I feel in the mood to type instead of write...anyway! So..hahaha..so embarrassing. But..I'm weird, oh well.

So today in math class I was totally spacing out and doing my own thing while staring blankly at the board and at the teacher and I was just thinking my own thoughts and such. Anyway, so I was thinking...I pray for the person I'm going to marry. Hahahahahaha. I don't even know him and I'm praying for him. How awkward am I? Really awkward. And I remembered that I've written a couple of letters to him too. Letters I will probably forget in a few years, but letters that help me get out pent up emotions that I harbor now.

So yeah, that's a secret...well, obviously not anymore..gosh...so so lame....dorky! xDDD



Gosh, this good mood will be the death of me.

Watch, next week I'm going to be super suicidal emo depressed. -____-

>.>

<.<

*knock on wood*

=]

Book Review for "Eternity's Edge" by Bryan Davis

Yesterday I finished the book "Eternity's Edge" by Bryan Davis which is the second book in the "Echoes from the Edge" trilogy. It was pretty good. I liked this one more than I liked the first one and I can't wait until I get to read the final book! The problem is I don't have it yet!

Anyway! In this book Nathan and Kelly continue their quest between the three dimensions and all that fun stuff. This time, Kelly is blind for the most part. Also, in this book, Nathan finds out he has a supplicant called Scarlet. I really like her character. I guess it's because who she is. Throughout the book she refers to Nathan as her "beloved" but not in a romantic sense.

I think I liked Scarlet a lot because of that. She never refers to Nathan in a romantic sense, but she always calls him "beloved" and she always reminds him that "she had given him her heart but in a different way". I guess I thought that was super cute!

Anyway...I would recommend the book. :]


====

As for life updates? Well..nothing new really....mmm....nope, nothing new! Well....I guess I can say is that I am proud of myself for having control over a certain emotion. =] I suppose it's because the factors are a tad different, buuut...oh well. I'm still proud. And looking back on how I let that emotion go haywire in the past makes me feel kinda bad...

oh well.

C'est la vie! <333

Racial Slurs and Whores

So today as I was leaving my apartment to go to Coldstone's were I sadly did not get a dance for my tip, I passed my neighbor who was listening to annoyingly loud rap music. Normally I just drown it out for the most part, but today I took in the lyrics.

For one thing, I don't like rap music...well, it all depends on the song. Songs are pretty awesome and I like them. But for the most part, I don't like rap.

So, as I listened to this song, I heard the "N-word" thrown into the song carelessly. I only heard like 10-15 seconds of the song and that word was used at least six times. My neighbor who was listening to the song happens to be African-American.

Excuse me..but last time I checked, isn't the "N-Word" supposed to be a bad word? I mean, if I threw it around I promise you I would end up getting a beat down by someone -___-. I started to think, why is it okay for a rapper to use such a degrading term? Not only do I hear it in songs, but I also hear it when I'm out and about. I hear people call their friends these words, like:

Dude 1: What up my N----
Dude 2: Not much, just got high...

Okay, so maybe I don't quite hear that, but I do hear the first line. It's like a cool thing to call friends these names. After so many years of that word being a complete insult, why is it okay today to use that word? Is this something we want to teach our children?

If I saw a little three year old running around saying this word I'd glare at the parents angrily and wonder what they're teaching their children...regardless of their race.

So it's okay for one black person to call another black friend this N-word, but if a white person or Latino or Asian (well...I don't really hear Asians saying it...), the black person gets all offended and it suddenly becomes racist. I mean, pick a side! It's either a bad word or not!

Personally, I think it's a bad word, and by using it in songs or in a means of greeting, it's like....I don't know...saying it's okay to be racist. It's also taking away from the severity of the word. I mean, that could be a good thing, but neeh.

Also another term I hate.

Whore.
Slut.
Bitch.

Those kinds of words. Sometimes a friend will say that to me...not anymore, mind you, but they used to. It's be like:

Friend: Hey, ho (or hey bitch, or hey whore)
Me:.....*annoyed*...hi....what's up?

Of course I've never yelled at a friend for using this term, but it obviously doesn't make me very happy. I don't like being called these words. It's offensive, rude, low-class, and incorrect.

Maybe I am being a bit hypocritical. I mean, I do say things like "oohhh, yeah you're definitely a whore"...but I mean it as a joke. I would NEVER greet a friend with a "hey slut!!", not even as a joke...that takes it waaay past the line. I have been known to use these words to describe a person or two, but...neh. They are DEFINITELY not words to call friends.

In society today, we've taken words that are offensive and we're turning them into greeting calls and giving the words less power. Sure, it is a good thing to have power over words, but is it really a good thing to give a word less power?

Instead of exercising freedom of speech by using these terms to refer to those close to us, come up with something new. Something respectful.

I mean, friends are to be respected no matter what. Would you greet your mother or father with these words? Mmm, how about a teacher or a coach or a pastor or someone?

I think not.


Uggggghhhh...rant done. (:

"Beyond the Reflection's Edge" Book Review / What Can My Voice Do?/ In Memory...

So I just finished the book "Beyond the Reflection's Edge" by Bryan Davis. It was an enjoyable book, but because I'm not the brightest crayon in the box it confused me. Basically it's about...dimensions and interfinity. It's hard to explain but it's really good. I'm quite positive if I were to re-read it I would catch some things I did not catch the first time around. This is one of those books one will want to take the time and read and it can't really be skimmed through.

I think my favorite thing in this book was Nathan. Haha...I love how he is not a person but a "thing"...well a character is a thing therefore Nathan is a thing...ANYWAY! Yes, I think he was one of my favorite things in this book. Nathan is described to be a gentleman and it is obvious him and his parents are Christian. Two of my favorite passages in this book are both touched by a Christian likeliness and it made me enjoy the book all the more. I also really liked how music was the key to most of the things in the book, but more specifically the violin. In most books if characters play music of some sort it's something like the guitar or bass or piano or drums or something...common. Although I suppose if the Davis wanted to have Nathan and his mother play a different instrument he could have but the violin seemed to be a nice touch, somehow. After all, the violin is a very pretty instrument.

Good book. Highly recommended. (:

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How can I possibly dare to dream to be someone--something--so much bigger than I am? How can I possibly be a change in the world? I'm shy and I tend to hide instead of being out there. How can I possibly desire to be a light for my Father?

My voice is too soft, I don't have a "face for publicity"...as a matter of fact, I don't think my face really "screams" much of anything such as power or peace or kindness...it's just kinda there, haha.

But the point is..who am I that thinks she can be so much more than she is? What makes me think God can possibly want me when there are others much much more suited for the things I can dream.

I've decided that children have become a passion of mine. Children and those who are broken. I want them to experience the joy I feel to know that there is a living God who loves me forever with an unfailing love that I cannot even begin to describe.

But me, this small, weak, and pathetic vessel that I have made myself into, how can I possibly thing God will want me? I don't think highly of myself and others see that. Why should I be able to dream of doing something great for God when there are others who are in a much better place than I am and are more capable to do His work. Others more suited. Others more fit. Others more...perfect.

Hmmm...God must indeed have something in store for me. He gave me a heart of compassion for a reason. He gave me a heart that breaks every time I see someone broken. He gave me a heart that longs to reach out. He gave me talents and gifts I have yet to unlock. He gave me a perfectly functioning body (although I haven't done a very good job taking care of it -____-') to move, to think, to (sometimes) speak.

It has been a desire of mine since I was younger to do something mighty for God. I had such beautiful dreams as a young girl. I dreamt that I lead people in prayer for a church's healing. I dreamt that in a battle (for lack of a better word) between good and evil and I was able to bring some on the opposing side to the right side. I dreamt that I sang and played music and acted for God. I believed I would go and teach people in Africa about His love. I was restless to go to the countries that people feared going to because of division because I believed that with God if one person heard me it would all be worth it. I would lose my life if it meant glorifying Him.

So the song goes "Take my dreams come and give them wings, Lord with you, there's nothing I cannot do".

Sometimes I don't know if I'm worth that. If there's anything in my voice today that is worth being heard. But other times, I believe God still wants to use me. I just need patience. So my dreams seem a bit big for someone like me, and a bit big now, but He's placed me in places today to show his love. I'm not in a country where people have neither heard the name of God nor are allowed to worship Him. But I am on a large campus with classes where people sure need to hear of His name and love. And I'm helping out at Sunday school and soon doing children's Bible study at community groups. I can start here. I am sure God put me there for a reasons other than what my mind wanders to and for reasons I cannot even think of.

So, the song is right. I am weak. But He is strong enough to take my dreams and make them possibilities...and as I look at it now. I think they are slowly coming true. (:

**********************************************************************************

So I heard a kid I graduated with recently passed away.

Michael Pyper.

I remember meeting him on his first day of school at Madison Middle school in 8th grade. I think it was after P.E. for me and I think he was in my P.E. period if not class. I remember him and another kid (from the same school he transferred from and was a new student on the same day -- they didn't know each other at the other junior high but they quickly became best friends from that day) walking to my math class.

I remember having an internal battle with myself. "Should I say hi? I mean..maybe I shouldn't. Maybe someone else, one of the popular kids will say hi and I won't have to. I mean I'm not that special. Just give them a day or two and they'll be with the in crowd in no time. No need to say hi....but I should. I should give it a try. They look nice. And it's their first day. I'd be happy if someone said hi to me on my first day..."

I remember catching up to him and Joseph Potter (the other new kid) and stammering out an awkward "hi".

I remember him smiling down at me (yes...he was taller than me then....It was 8th grade where I became the short one again and forevermore from there -___-). I remember a look in his eyes that showed the slightest amount of relief of someone talking to him.

I remember introducing him to Brian in math class and letting it go from there. But I can also remember going home that day that I was glad that I talked to him.

I was never close to him. Sure we had math class together and the same P.E. period together. We were friendly, but we weren't friends because as I predicted he got into the popular crowd. As soon as we hit high school we stopped talking. In Frosh I remember when we passed in the halls we'd smile to each other as if to say "I remember you.....heck yes, high school," but as the years progressed we eventually stopped acknowledging each other.

He was never mean to me. At least to my face. Maybe behind my back, maybe not. I will never know. I do know however the Michael was a genuine person. I'm sure that given the chance we would not have been friends in high school. We could have been....acquaintances, but not friends. He was an intelligent and funny kid.

My prayer is that for those who were indeed close to him and those who truly knew him, my prayer is that God give them strength and healing in the coming days.

May he rest in peace.

I'm Still Bitter...

Wow...that sucks.
It's probably the stupidest, no, not probably, it IS the stupidest thing to be upset about. I mean...gaaaah...I thought I was stronger than that, but apparently, I'm not. Faaail.
Well, anyway..geebus, I don't even know where to begin!

He apparently doesn't think I'm pretty...

You're reading waaaaaaaay too into this. He never said that. You're assuming. You're hurting yourself and hurting him by assuming--

I am not assuming. I'm right! I'm just learning to love myself, to find the small things in me that make one beautiful being, but something like this just...

Why do you care so much? He's ONE person. It shouldn't matter what he thinks!

But I do care! Why, because I'm obviously the biggest (in more ways than one) idiot in the world...or at least in my quarter of it.

Whatever. He's just one person. So what he doesn't think you're attractive--

I thought he was different. Obviously, I didn't/don't expect him to think I'm the prettiest thing on this planet. I just thought maybe...maybe he saw one thing pretty in me..

How do you know he hasn't? He's weird. He's hard to figure out for the most part. How do you know he hasn't seen something beautiful in you?

Because he could be like all the others...and because I've never done anything around him that could prove I have something in me that's even slightly pretty. At least nothing to take note of. Nothing comparable to her, or his other female friends.

Duuuude, whatever. Remember, he's your friend too.

Is he really? He once told me he doesn't hate people..he hates the things they do. Just because he doesn't hate me..

Aha!! You admit it!

No, I don't. I do still believe with a tiny part of me that he doesn't like me very much...but anyway! Just because he doesn't hate me doesn't me he likes me very much.

He likes you, okay? Shut your face.

...but...Maybe I want to be one of his favorites, but if not that, then I want to be close to him. But he's not stupid. He obviously knows I like him and it's so awkward around him. He's probably pulling himself back because of that.

Maybe not. Maybe you're taking every word waaaay to personally and you're overanalyzing it all.

Perhaps...but...can I rewind? No, can I put it all on pause right now and come back when I don't like him anymore and we can be friends from there?

Sure..but you know that's not the way life works. You just gotta keep moving in a forward motion instead of keeping "Nicest thing" on replay. Stop whining and get up off the floor! The world awaits the smile you're denying it. Turn your eyes to heaven and not on a boy!

But...but...it's hard. I know I said I'd rather be the one aching over him...why can't just for a little while, he ache over me?

'Cause he doesn't like you.

Ouch...yeah..I forgot that minor detail.

I'm still bitter./I'm still bitter.

Will you lash out when you see him?

No, I won't. I'm going to smile and be retarded as I usually am around him.

That's always good. Sure, maybe he doesn't see something pretty now, but if you continue to love on him and be yourself and not stress so much about it, maybe things can change from there. Remember it's not in your hands.

I know...but I wish it was. I wish I wish I wish he was the one. If he was, I wouldn't mind waiting for him!

I know...but again, it's up to God, not you. If he's the one, God will make it work out in the end. If he's not, at least you still have a friend, right?

Neeeeeeeehhhhhh.......

Don't you neeeh me! Remember, you can't escape me.

I can try.

Cheaaah...you can, but you won't succeed.

Shut up, Reason and Optimism..

How do you know I'm not the Spirit whispering to your heart? You didn't reason this out earlier.

Good call.

Bahaha....optimism one, despair zero! OWNED!

That obviously wasn't God...

Perhaps not, but I still win.

I suppose....I'm still upset though, just so you know.

I know...but that's expected. You'll be fine though.

How do you know though?

Because we've been here before and God got us through it, did He not

He did.

Exactly.