Being My Own Guinea Pig

Yes, another blog, but another site. Why? I don't know, because I thought it would be fun to make an account with Blogger? I don't know, I'm just an oddball.

I suppose a post like this would be better suited for my personal diary that I do keep, but I was just too lazy. The diary that I do keep is a combination of random thoughts and ideas that float through my head, as well as a biography of my life for the past 4 or 5 years.
So I was thinking about a purpose for this blog, and I came up with one. I think I will use this as a way to track an experiment on myself. That would be fun. It's kind of like a women's psychology experiment actually, and blogging it would be better than writing it down in a diary because a) I can type much faster than I write and almost as fast as I think and b) because I hope to re-read my entries and find my pattern...if I wrote it in my diary and tried to write as fast as the thoughts that cross my mind, my writing would become illegible and that would defeat the purpose. Yep, so I'll be my own personal guinea pig. (:

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The funny thing about me is that I am a people-pleaser at heart. It can be about the smallest and the biggest things. Cooking, for example. If I know that I'm cooking for people, I try to find out what people like and dislike and if they are allergic to anything (so whatever I cook doesn't kill them >.<) in order to cater to them better. And when I cook for others I get nervous and I hope that I get everything just right.

But I also do that with my personality as well. I change myself to please people. Sometimes I realize it, sometimes I don't. But I think I may go through another change again. I hope that it's for the better. Since I'm holding onto God this time around, I hope it really will be better. But it's not a bad change, it's a good change. It'll make other people happy. I want the people I love to be happy.

I think my period of regression needs to come to an end for good. I was born into an older family, so growing up I was, in a sense expected to mature faster. All of my siblings, half siblings, are a lot older than me. The smallest age gap between a brother and me is 11 years and even that's intense. So growing up, I was expetected to be smart, mature, and responsible...all of which I was...well, maybe not smart...then again, I can't judge that. -__-;

But in the last couple of years I have somehow regressed from being completely mature to...not necessarily immature, but child-like. I don't quite remember exactly how it happened, all I know is that it did. But I think it's time for that to change. It's time for me to go back into my box. I had fun being witty, smiley, giggly,...and happy. I had a grand time. It really cushioned the blow of my father passing away...well, it was like a flat pillow. It was soft, but not the softest thing to fall upon. God was the BIG pillow that seriously cushioned the fall.

Don't get me wrong, by saying that I was happy...I don't mean I'll ever be happy again, of course I'll be joyful. I once explained it to a friend. I'm not a happy person. I'm just not. Some days I'm an optimist, and others I'm a pessimist. It just depends, and I'm not happy. I am however, joyful. Because of God I have this eternal joy I can feel everyday, and I know it's there because I remember those couple of years I didn't have it and I can recall exactly how it felt. And I know I can smile veryday because of God and because of the joy He's given me.

Basically what I mean is, I'll try to be quiet again. I'll try to be that girl that people easily forgot and the kid that sat in the back reading a book. I'll be observant and less talkative again. It hurts me that I upset friends and annoy friends. It really does. My insecurities arise and I just want to curl into a ball and apologize over and over. I'll try really really hard not to be child-like and not make noises. I can't control them, but you don't believe me. I can't I can't I can't. And you dislike me for them. And if it makes you feel better, I'll stop. I'll really really try if it makes you feel happy.

I'll stop talking too, if that makes you happy.

I won't speak to you, if that makes you happy.

I'll say things like "I'm FANTASTIC" and other words such as awesome, and fabulous, and great if that pleases you.

I want all of my friends to be happy. See, sometimes I feel so worthless, just like right now. Like last night, I played conversations I had with people in my head over and over, and the thoughts keep coming and I can't fight them off. One conversation in particular was on repeat in my mind.

-"If I had some sharpies, at the moment, I'd let you add to it."
"No, I'd only ruin it."

And looking at the mural I realized I would have. It was complete without me. The room, if I wasn't there...nothing would have changed. The circle still would have been complete without me. In my mind, I sometimes take myself out of situations. And I watch them as if I were a ghost and I pretend I'm not there. Nothing would change. Nothing. People would still laugh and have fun. It would still be complete. I'm just a random blob thrown into the mix.

I always am.

I have God, that I do have. I'm learning to let Him be my all. To care about only what He thinks. But sometimes...a lot of the sometimes....I want to know I'm worth it to other people. Sometimes I want to know if they care about me as much as I care about them. And sometimes...I'm afraid they don't....because it would be a hunch coming true. And sometimes...that just hurts too much.

Aw crap, here come the tears.