Despite it all, I still feel kinda down. Why should I? I mean...haha, I guess I get over-emotional sometimes, and it involves friendship. So I have a right to be emotional?
Well, whatever, either way I will be. I like to believe that I can be strong. I like to believe that things can't hurt me as much as they should. So, can I be strong in this moment where it is most needed? In a time where I can lose a friend who I love dearly as a brother? But it hurts. Here I am listening to a break up song when it's not necessary. But it is a good song. "Curtains Closing" by Rhianna...or it's called something like that. I like the lines that go "But you've put on quite a show, really had me going..." and there's more that I like, but at the moment, I don't feel like typing it out because my emotional distraught level just..sky-rocketed? That just means I'm more jittery and more annoyed than I was a few moments ago. I think it's funny. Nothing is as it seems. We what we long to see. We feel what we want to feel and to hell with the rest, right? Well, that was stupid of me. A fatal mistake. I'm only more so annoyed because I KNOW you got my message, but you're not going to respond to me. You'll just ignore it, and next time I see you, you won't acknowledge it. Things will still go on as they are right now. Well, that just sucks. You know what? I miss you, okay? I miss best guy friend #2. I miss the hours we spent laughing at stupidity. I miss the arguements. [Haha, I just realized how well the song, well, certain lines, fit you so well! You deserve a standing ovation for your show!] I miss the moments that you helped me get through stupid things like my shyness, and my inablity to be assertive. I miss that time at the beach where we stared at the water and talked about the future. I miss the times we watched those kids. I miss the times where we got along so well that it seemed too good to be true. Haha. I am a prophet, huh? I miss being the first people you told stuff to. I miss who I thought you were. What I don't understand is why do I get the act? Why don't I deserve the real you? Am I too much of a simpleton for you? Does it embarrass you to have a friend like me? Imperfect compared to all the other people that you are "close" to. Those who are always ready to look good whatever the time. Now I know I'm just going insane and crying over nothing, but at the moment, there is no worse pain that knowing you're losing a friend. I wish I could ignore you for as long as I plan to, but I know. I know you're going to disarm me with a smile. You're going to hug me. I'm going to break. Hmm, maybe that's why you don't like me that much. Right? *deep breath* Okay. "No one can make me feel inferior without my consent". That includes you. Well, if anything new comes out of this, I'm going to hold my head higher. I can see, now that I'll always have a better heart than you. I'll always give someone the honesty they deserve. I will never break someone's heart with lies. I will appear to be the person I truly am, be they friend, stranger, or foe. So friend, the curtain's closing on you, but opening for me, and instead of a play, I'm sharing my autobiography.
Monday, March 22, 2010
The Absence
It is such a nice day. The sun is out, but it's not very hot, which is good! There is the slightest breeze which makes it better. It's nice spring weather. Good enough to abandon sneakers for flip flops, but still cool enough to keep a warm jacket on.
It started off as a decent day. I went to the dentist which I hate. I have a great fear of those people, but after that I was fine. Tonight I will be having dinner with my brother which I'm glad for! I love going to Carlsbad. That is one beautiful city. Somehow, some way, I am always inspired whenever I'm there. I don't know if it is the reason why I am there or if there is magic in that simple place, but either way, it is wonderous!
What put me in this mood now is my quick-to-change emotions. I suppose that my emotions only change as quickly as they do under certain circumstances. Well then, I happened across one of those circumstances that would make me less than happy. When it comes to situations such as these, I wish I still wrote poetry.
Don't get me wrong, I still love it! I love cadences, rhymes, the way words slip onto paper, off the mouth, from the soul and heart like honey. It's beautiful. I miss the feeling from the pit of my stomach as my mind swirls with kind words and naked truths as I try to describe my feels in a way that states exactly what I long to say but at the same time circles the topic, revealing everything and nothing. I wish I could still do that.
I don't remember when I stopped writing poetry. I suppose my last poem was, well...hmm, I don't know, maybe summer or fall of last year, and for me, that is a looooong time. For me, poetry comes when my emotions are at their most intense peak. When they reach that moment, when everything is out in the open is when I can truly write.
A month or so ago I tried writing a poem to see if I could still do it, but because I was slightly apathetic to it all I left it unfinished. When I re-read it I found that I had simply wrote a piece of rubbish. Stupidity. And, quite frankly, blah-ness. Even as I say that, I feel like taking it all back. What I wrote did not need to be written, for in the end I had written an almost prayer. Things that have been going through my mind for the longest time, but on paper, it was unnecessary.
Yes, I do have an absence of poetry in my life. I miss it. I hate what absence brings. At this moment, I realize that very soon I will be letting go a few other things. Absence for me is like ripping a picture in half. Say there are a group of people in the picture, and then I rip someone out, then there is only an empty space of where that person used to be. That's how it is for the things and people in my life.
I was never meant to say good-bye. I cling to those I love with all my heart, mind, and soul, but for some reason, the most cherished get taken away. At this moment in time, I don't know what to make of that. Hmmmm...
Either way, as I struggle to grow, and learn to say goodbye, I suppose, that, if I must, I will get used to this absence...
It started off as a decent day. I went to the dentist which I hate. I have a great fear of those people, but after that I was fine. Tonight I will be having dinner with my brother which I'm glad for! I love going to Carlsbad. That is one beautiful city. Somehow, some way, I am always inspired whenever I'm there. I don't know if it is the reason why I am there or if there is magic in that simple place, but either way, it is wonderous!
What put me in this mood now is my quick-to-change emotions. I suppose that my emotions only change as quickly as they do under certain circumstances. Well then, I happened across one of those circumstances that would make me less than happy. When it comes to situations such as these, I wish I still wrote poetry.
Don't get me wrong, I still love it! I love cadences, rhymes, the way words slip onto paper, off the mouth, from the soul and heart like honey. It's beautiful. I miss the feeling from the pit of my stomach as my mind swirls with kind words and naked truths as I try to describe my feels in a way that states exactly what I long to say but at the same time circles the topic, revealing everything and nothing. I wish I could still do that.
I don't remember when I stopped writing poetry. I suppose my last poem was, well...hmm, I don't know, maybe summer or fall of last year, and for me, that is a looooong time. For me, poetry comes when my emotions are at their most intense peak. When they reach that moment, when everything is out in the open is when I can truly write.
A month or so ago I tried writing a poem to see if I could still do it, but because I was slightly apathetic to it all I left it unfinished. When I re-read it I found that I had simply wrote a piece of rubbish. Stupidity. And, quite frankly, blah-ness. Even as I say that, I feel like taking it all back. What I wrote did not need to be written, for in the end I had written an almost prayer. Things that have been going through my mind for the longest time, but on paper, it was unnecessary.
Yes, I do have an absence of poetry in my life. I miss it. I hate what absence brings. At this moment, I realize that very soon I will be letting go a few other things. Absence for me is like ripping a picture in half. Say there are a group of people in the picture, and then I rip someone out, then there is only an empty space of where that person used to be. That's how it is for the things and people in my life.
I was never meant to say good-bye. I cling to those I love with all my heart, mind, and soul, but for some reason, the most cherished get taken away. At this moment in time, I don't know what to make of that. Hmmmm...
Either way, as I struggle to grow, and learn to say goodbye, I suppose, that, if I must, I will get used to this absence...
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