Racial Slurs and Whores

So today as I was leaving my apartment to go to Coldstone's were I sadly did not get a dance for my tip, I passed my neighbor who was listening to annoyingly loud rap music. Normally I just drown it out for the most part, but today I took in the lyrics.

For one thing, I don't like rap music...well, it all depends on the song. Songs are pretty awesome and I like them. But for the most part, I don't like rap.

So, as I listened to this song, I heard the "N-word" thrown into the song carelessly. I only heard like 10-15 seconds of the song and that word was used at least six times. My neighbor who was listening to the song happens to be African-American.

Excuse me..but last time I checked, isn't the "N-Word" supposed to be a bad word? I mean, if I threw it around I promise you I would end up getting a beat down by someone -___-. I started to think, why is it okay for a rapper to use such a degrading term? Not only do I hear it in songs, but I also hear it when I'm out and about. I hear people call their friends these words, like:

Dude 1: What up my N----
Dude 2: Not much, just got high...

Okay, so maybe I don't quite hear that, but I do hear the first line. It's like a cool thing to call friends these names. After so many years of that word being a complete insult, why is it okay today to use that word? Is this something we want to teach our children?

If I saw a little three year old running around saying this word I'd glare at the parents angrily and wonder what they're teaching their children...regardless of their race.

So it's okay for one black person to call another black friend this N-word, but if a white person or Latino or Asian (well...I don't really hear Asians saying it...), the black person gets all offended and it suddenly becomes racist. I mean, pick a side! It's either a bad word or not!

Personally, I think it's a bad word, and by using it in songs or in a means of greeting, it's like....I don't know...saying it's okay to be racist. It's also taking away from the severity of the word. I mean, that could be a good thing, but neeh.

Also another term I hate.

Whore.
Slut.
Bitch.

Those kinds of words. Sometimes a friend will say that to me...not anymore, mind you, but they used to. It's be like:

Friend: Hey, ho (or hey bitch, or hey whore)
Me:.....*annoyed*...hi....what's up?

Of course I've never yelled at a friend for using this term, but it obviously doesn't make me very happy. I don't like being called these words. It's offensive, rude, low-class, and incorrect.

Maybe I am being a bit hypocritical. I mean, I do say things like "oohhh, yeah you're definitely a whore"...but I mean it as a joke. I would NEVER greet a friend with a "hey slut!!", not even as a joke...that takes it waaay past the line. I have been known to use these words to describe a person or two, but...neh. They are DEFINITELY not words to call friends.

In society today, we've taken words that are offensive and we're turning them into greeting calls and giving the words less power. Sure, it is a good thing to have power over words, but is it really a good thing to give a word less power?

Instead of exercising freedom of speech by using these terms to refer to those close to us, come up with something new. Something respectful.

I mean, friends are to be respected no matter what. Would you greet your mother or father with these words? Mmm, how about a teacher or a coach or a pastor or someone?

I think not.


Uggggghhhh...rant done. (:

"Beyond the Reflection's Edge" Book Review / What Can My Voice Do?/ In Memory...

So I just finished the book "Beyond the Reflection's Edge" by Bryan Davis. It was an enjoyable book, but because I'm not the brightest crayon in the box it confused me. Basically it's about...dimensions and interfinity. It's hard to explain but it's really good. I'm quite positive if I were to re-read it I would catch some things I did not catch the first time around. This is one of those books one will want to take the time and read and it can't really be skimmed through.

I think my favorite thing in this book was Nathan. Haha...I love how he is not a person but a "thing"...well a character is a thing therefore Nathan is a thing...ANYWAY! Yes, I think he was one of my favorite things in this book. Nathan is described to be a gentleman and it is obvious him and his parents are Christian. Two of my favorite passages in this book are both touched by a Christian likeliness and it made me enjoy the book all the more. I also really liked how music was the key to most of the things in the book, but more specifically the violin. In most books if characters play music of some sort it's something like the guitar or bass or piano or drums or something...common. Although I suppose if the Davis wanted to have Nathan and his mother play a different instrument he could have but the violin seemed to be a nice touch, somehow. After all, the violin is a very pretty instrument.

Good book. Highly recommended. (:

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How can I possibly dare to dream to be someone--something--so much bigger than I am? How can I possibly be a change in the world? I'm shy and I tend to hide instead of being out there. How can I possibly desire to be a light for my Father?

My voice is too soft, I don't have a "face for publicity"...as a matter of fact, I don't think my face really "screams" much of anything such as power or peace or kindness...it's just kinda there, haha.

But the point is..who am I that thinks she can be so much more than she is? What makes me think God can possibly want me when there are others much much more suited for the things I can dream.

I've decided that children have become a passion of mine. Children and those who are broken. I want them to experience the joy I feel to know that there is a living God who loves me forever with an unfailing love that I cannot even begin to describe.

But me, this small, weak, and pathetic vessel that I have made myself into, how can I possibly thing God will want me? I don't think highly of myself and others see that. Why should I be able to dream of doing something great for God when there are others who are in a much better place than I am and are more capable to do His work. Others more suited. Others more fit. Others more...perfect.

Hmmm...God must indeed have something in store for me. He gave me a heart of compassion for a reason. He gave me a heart that breaks every time I see someone broken. He gave me a heart that longs to reach out. He gave me talents and gifts I have yet to unlock. He gave me a perfectly functioning body (although I haven't done a very good job taking care of it -____-') to move, to think, to (sometimes) speak.

It has been a desire of mine since I was younger to do something mighty for God. I had such beautiful dreams as a young girl. I dreamt that I lead people in prayer for a church's healing. I dreamt that in a battle (for lack of a better word) between good and evil and I was able to bring some on the opposing side to the right side. I dreamt that I sang and played music and acted for God. I believed I would go and teach people in Africa about His love. I was restless to go to the countries that people feared going to because of division because I believed that with God if one person heard me it would all be worth it. I would lose my life if it meant glorifying Him.

So the song goes "Take my dreams come and give them wings, Lord with you, there's nothing I cannot do".

Sometimes I don't know if I'm worth that. If there's anything in my voice today that is worth being heard. But other times, I believe God still wants to use me. I just need patience. So my dreams seem a bit big for someone like me, and a bit big now, but He's placed me in places today to show his love. I'm not in a country where people have neither heard the name of God nor are allowed to worship Him. But I am on a large campus with classes where people sure need to hear of His name and love. And I'm helping out at Sunday school and soon doing children's Bible study at community groups. I can start here. I am sure God put me there for a reasons other than what my mind wanders to and for reasons I cannot even think of.

So, the song is right. I am weak. But He is strong enough to take my dreams and make them possibilities...and as I look at it now. I think they are slowly coming true. (:

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So I heard a kid I graduated with recently passed away.

Michael Pyper.

I remember meeting him on his first day of school at Madison Middle school in 8th grade. I think it was after P.E. for me and I think he was in my P.E. period if not class. I remember him and another kid (from the same school he transferred from and was a new student on the same day -- they didn't know each other at the other junior high but they quickly became best friends from that day) walking to my math class.

I remember having an internal battle with myself. "Should I say hi? I mean..maybe I shouldn't. Maybe someone else, one of the popular kids will say hi and I won't have to. I mean I'm not that special. Just give them a day or two and they'll be with the in crowd in no time. No need to say hi....but I should. I should give it a try. They look nice. And it's their first day. I'd be happy if someone said hi to me on my first day..."

I remember catching up to him and Joseph Potter (the other new kid) and stammering out an awkward "hi".

I remember him smiling down at me (yes...he was taller than me then....It was 8th grade where I became the short one again and forevermore from there -___-). I remember a look in his eyes that showed the slightest amount of relief of someone talking to him.

I remember introducing him to Brian in math class and letting it go from there. But I can also remember going home that day that I was glad that I talked to him.

I was never close to him. Sure we had math class together and the same P.E. period together. We were friendly, but we weren't friends because as I predicted he got into the popular crowd. As soon as we hit high school we stopped talking. In Frosh I remember when we passed in the halls we'd smile to each other as if to say "I remember you.....heck yes, high school," but as the years progressed we eventually stopped acknowledging each other.

He was never mean to me. At least to my face. Maybe behind my back, maybe not. I will never know. I do know however the Michael was a genuine person. I'm sure that given the chance we would not have been friends in high school. We could have been....acquaintances, but not friends. He was an intelligent and funny kid.

My prayer is that for those who were indeed close to him and those who truly knew him, my prayer is that God give them strength and healing in the coming days.

May he rest in peace.

I'm Still Bitter...

Wow...that sucks.
It's probably the stupidest, no, not probably, it IS the stupidest thing to be upset about. I mean...gaaaah...I thought I was stronger than that, but apparently, I'm not. Faaail.
Well, anyway..geebus, I don't even know where to begin!

He apparently doesn't think I'm pretty...

You're reading waaaaaaaay too into this. He never said that. You're assuming. You're hurting yourself and hurting him by assuming--

I am not assuming. I'm right! I'm just learning to love myself, to find the small things in me that make one beautiful being, but something like this just...

Why do you care so much? He's ONE person. It shouldn't matter what he thinks!

But I do care! Why, because I'm obviously the biggest (in more ways than one) idiot in the world...or at least in my quarter of it.

Whatever. He's just one person. So what he doesn't think you're attractive--

I thought he was different. Obviously, I didn't/don't expect him to think I'm the prettiest thing on this planet. I just thought maybe...maybe he saw one thing pretty in me..

How do you know he hasn't? He's weird. He's hard to figure out for the most part. How do you know he hasn't seen something beautiful in you?

Because he could be like all the others...and because I've never done anything around him that could prove I have something in me that's even slightly pretty. At least nothing to take note of. Nothing comparable to her, or his other female friends.

Duuuude, whatever. Remember, he's your friend too.

Is he really? He once told me he doesn't hate people..he hates the things they do. Just because he doesn't hate me..

Aha!! You admit it!

No, I don't. I do still believe with a tiny part of me that he doesn't like me very much...but anyway! Just because he doesn't hate me doesn't me he likes me very much.

He likes you, okay? Shut your face.

...but...Maybe I want to be one of his favorites, but if not that, then I want to be close to him. But he's not stupid. He obviously knows I like him and it's so awkward around him. He's probably pulling himself back because of that.

Maybe not. Maybe you're taking every word waaaay to personally and you're overanalyzing it all.

Perhaps...but...can I rewind? No, can I put it all on pause right now and come back when I don't like him anymore and we can be friends from there?

Sure..but you know that's not the way life works. You just gotta keep moving in a forward motion instead of keeping "Nicest thing" on replay. Stop whining and get up off the floor! The world awaits the smile you're denying it. Turn your eyes to heaven and not on a boy!

But...but...it's hard. I know I said I'd rather be the one aching over him...why can't just for a little while, he ache over me?

'Cause he doesn't like you.

Ouch...yeah..I forgot that minor detail.

I'm still bitter./I'm still bitter.

Will you lash out when you see him?

No, I won't. I'm going to smile and be retarded as I usually am around him.

That's always good. Sure, maybe he doesn't see something pretty now, but if you continue to love on him and be yourself and not stress so much about it, maybe things can change from there. Remember it's not in your hands.

I know...but I wish it was. I wish I wish I wish he was the one. If he was, I wouldn't mind waiting for him!

I know...but again, it's up to God, not you. If he's the one, God will make it work out in the end. If he's not, at least you still have a friend, right?

Neeeeeeeehhhhhh.......

Don't you neeeh me! Remember, you can't escape me.

I can try.

Cheaaah...you can, but you won't succeed.

Shut up, Reason and Optimism..

How do you know I'm not the Spirit whispering to your heart? You didn't reason this out earlier.

Good call.

Bahaha....optimism one, despair zero! OWNED!

That obviously wasn't God...

Perhaps not, but I still win.

I suppose....I'm still upset though, just so you know.

I know...but that's expected. You'll be fine though.

How do you know though?

Because we've been here before and God got us through it, did He not

He did.

Exactly.

Cutest Passage in a Book

Yay for Christian authors. This is probably one of the cutest and most beautiful passages in a book I've ever read. And because of these couple of paragraphs this book has become my favorite. (:

From "Beyond the Reflection's Edge" by Bryan Davis:

"Her serious aspect deepened. "Then you know why I play."

Lowering himself to one knee, he looked into her beautiful, innocent brown eyes. "Because your spirit has to sing. Every musician's heart bears a song from the Creator, and he spends his life trying to duplicate it as an act of worship. His ultimate dream is to play it flawlessly for an audience of on at the great throne of heaven."

"That's what my teacher says," Francesca touched his lips with two fingers. "But there are two songs in your heart, one for God and one for the woman who will be your wife."

Nathan resisted the urge to look at Kelly again. "My wife?"

"My teacher says if a musician marries another musician, they harmonize their songs into one, but when he marries a nonmusician, he creates a new song for her and teaches it to her heart,""

(132).

"Thirst Vol. 1" book review

I just finished the book "Thirst" (vol. 1..so technically I finished 3 books...) by Christopher Pike, and it was pretty good. It's another vampire novel (but it was first published in 1994-1995). The vampire, Sita, is 5,000 years old and she is the last vampire. And her journey begins, pretty much!

For some reason as I read it, I couldn't help but think that Stephenie Meyer read this book as well. I kept on finding little "Twilight" things. Nothing to significant, but just little things that made me go "huh, the same thing happened in "Twilight"!"

I really liked Sita's character up to a certain extent. At the same time however, I noticed she was a very....okay, not very, but kind of masculine figure. I dunno. It's all personal opinion.

Good story. Not a favorite, but I'd recommend it! (:

Selfishness...

"I think if someone was drowning human instinct would kick in for me and I would figure out how to swim."

-"Then jump in; human instinct will kick in for you and you'll learn how to swim. If you don't I'll teach you. Or you'll drown."

"Haha...I think if I fell in I would rather drown.."

-"......so now I know if you were drowning I'd let you. I'd respect your wishes for dying. It sounds like you want to die, right?"

"...Well...nehhh....If I were drowning, I would try to save myself but I wouldn't try very hard because I wouldn't be motivated. But if someone was drowning and I was trying to save them I know I would try harder and have greater motivation--"

-"You have a horrible mentality!!"

....I hate me for thinking throughout this conversation "I want to hear that you'd be willing to save me. I want to hear that you care enough to see something in me that's worth saving." I know I'm incredibly selfish for thinking it. And I hate myself all over again for thinking it. ._.

And I'm pretty much dissing God's masterpiece. I can't help it though. How can years of self-hatred be erased? How can I forget that I am indeed pretty? How can I see what other's see in me? Why can't I see myself the way I see everyone else in this world--beautiful? Why do I stumble and fall and curl into a ball hoping that I'll just absorb it all like a sponge or have it bounce off instead of calling on God?

....bwah...I wanna punish myself.

I Am Not Afraid to Die...

....I'm not.

I'm not afraid because of the fact that I know that one day will be my last and that is inevitable. I know I'll be entering God's arms.

I am however, afraid for those around me. I wouldn't want to die so soon because I'm not worth funeral expenses. I am not worth the heartache. I'm just not.
I am afraid to leave my loved ones behind. Especially those who don't know Jesus/the ones who haven't accepted Him yet.
I am afraid my brother won't take care of my mom.

Other than that, I am not afraid.

But I am afraid of the process. I'm afraid of how I will die. Especially of one thing in particular. I don't want it to touch me. If it does I fear that I'm not strong enough to fight it off. I don't want to die without living.

And I'm afraid the process has begun.

Music

Music. It's all around us. It's in the car when we drive. It's in our rooms when we're studying, chilling, whatever, it's in our ears when we're droing out the boring teacher. It's everywhere. Even when it doesn't seem like music, simple beats follow us. The beat of one's heart or footsteps. The rhythmic sounds of waves crashing against the shorelines. No matter where we go in life, music is everywhere.

It comes from all cultures, religions, and backgrounds. It comes in many different styles. I am not one of those lucky people blessed with the gifts to play music, but I do appreciate it. I consider myself tolerant to all forms of music. I like pretty much everything. Sometimes I will not like the lyrics to something, but I will find myself enjoying the beat behind it. Of all the different types of musical genres I listen to. I would have to say indie, rock, punk, emo/screamo, and worship are my favorites.

After spending countless hours over the years searching bands, becoming obsessed with one and another and another, I've come up with a pretty decent list of bands that I enjoy. But being who I am, there are some things I try to stay away from because, despite how good the beat behind something is, I just can't listen to it because of it's message it sends out to the world.

Some of my top favorite bands are Thousand Foot Krutch, FM Static, Escape the Fate, Skillet, 30 Seconds to Mars, Boys Like Girls, Hellogoodbye, Flyleaf, and a bunch of others. I just recently fell in love with the band Blessthefall.

I'm the type of person who likes to get into a band, I'll search all I can to find out more about the members and found out more about the bands origins and all that good stuff. Not to be a stalker, but to see if this is a band I can really consider a favorite.

A lot of my favorite bands are Christian. If the band itself isn't Christan then the members are, if that makes sense. But what annoys me about Christian bands are the members sometimes. (I'm not saying any of these bands are the ones that annoy me. There's a reason they're still favorites!). It's like, in interviews, they'll go on this big speech about "yeah, we're a Christian band" and when a fan meets them or something they turn out to be complete jerk-offs. >_<

But yes, all in all, music is great. It's a great way to escape whatever's going on in life and a chance to just relax and let lyrics take one away. (:

The Realizations/ "The Twentieth Wife" book review

Last night I finished the book "The Twientieth Wife" by Indu Sundaresan. It is a historical fiction that takes place in the 16th-17th century. It was a really good read in my opinion. I found out that the Muslim religion in the book and other mentions religions were kind of inaccurate whe it came to discussing them, but I didn't notice...I'm not Muslim.
I really liked this book because it was kind of a fairy-tale in a sense the way it was written, but I also loved the imagery in it. Ever since 6th grade I've really loved the Indian culture. The bright colors, studying the religion, and all that stuff. The idea of the Monsoon season always sounded exciting, 4 months of straight rain! Then again, living through it must be terrible to go through that kind of season.
Anyway, "The Twentieth Wife" is a captivating story of a girl, Mehrunisa, who is madly in love with the Prince Salim since the young age of 8. And there is a fictional story of her life, building up to her meetings with Salim and it was both a cute story but also kind of saddening. In that time period, women did not have a chance to voice opinions and, in a sense, have their own "free will". Which really annoyed me because I am a modern young woman of today and I enjoy my own thoughts and my own actions!
I liked this book because the idea of "dreams can come true" is represented and that there is really no dream that is too big. I didn't like the idea of how men can have so many wives in the Muslim religion. I mean, eee. I'd be very jealous. >.<;

All in all, it was a great read! Not on my "favorites" list, but a great read indeed. I can't wait to get the sequel!

As for my realizations today:
1. I'm a terrible friend.
2. I'm so in love with God.
3. "Over the Rainbow" is a way to travel.
4. I love that I am more comfortable around certain people.
5. I'll never be able to be who I am if I am always trying to live to other's expectations.
6. I've sheltered myself more than I realized.
7. Despite all me "ohhhh can't wait to get married" and "can't wait to find the one" I truly am afraid of falling in love.
8. "Ovaries" is the first thing that pops into my head when I have to think of a body part that starts with "O".
9. I would throw out perfectly reusable ostrich feathers. xD