"It won't be better
than I remember it before
And this month only
would be so lonely
And not so holy anymore.....
On Christmas morning
Outside was pouring
It was hopeless in this home..."
Happy December!
Is it? Is it really?
December, as of late, has been a pretty dismal month for me, which is funny. Well, not really. It was only recently that I decided that Christmas is my favorite holiday. I love the Christmas/New Year season. Everyone is so happy, there are smile everywhere and the it's just so romantic. The lights are beautiful, the weather is colder, and except the for grinches and ba-humbugs, everyone just seems to be in a better mood. It's a great feeling. I especially love the Christmas story about Jesus! :D That's a favorite, of course. =] <3
But, at the same time, this time of year has been hard on me for the past two years going on 3 this year. December 2007 was a bad time for me because two things happened: 1. I had lost my then-best friend 2.That's when the complications with Dad truly began, or rather, the end began. Both of which still effect me today (well, more so, that Dad part). Since then, December/January has been a blue month for me. Some days it felt like I was going through the motions of happiness. Family's here! Yay put on a smile! Christmas party with friends! Yes, smile and be attentive! New Year's party! Yay, smile again! Well, I am happy for the most part, but all the while in the back of my head, I'm just thinking of all the things that happened in the past years. I wonder if I did the right thing. I pray that Dad's watching me. I miss him so much.
You know, before 2007, Christmas was always an interesting time for me. It was Dad and me and my brothers and sisters, Mom worked, and even then, I was never with her. ._. I am a terrible person. Anyway, I was happy on Christmas. I asked for no gifts but family insisted and I just said money to make people stop asking. I didn't have presents to unwrap because of that, but that was okay, I was content with hugs and cards of money. I was happy watching everyone open gifts. I was happy to see that Dad was smiling and singing and opening his presents. I will always remember the hours that Dad and I spent Christmas just the two of us before we went out to a brother's or sister's house. Dad always felt so bad because we didn't have a tree, because he couldn't wrap a present for me. To this day, I don't care. Sure, I love Christmas tress, stockings, and ornaments, but that's not what made me happy. It was Dad. He tried. He did what he could. He never failed to tell me that the greatest gift of all for him was me (after Jesus, of course), Christmas or not. And the first year I spent Christmas without him and without the family I sat in the living room at my mom's house while she slept the entire time. I did nothing but sit.
December is a hard month on me. Today, it's not as bad, but sometimes I still feel the pain of not having Dad there. But, I'm still here, so is Mom. I can make it good for her, right?
Haha, I do know, that when I have my family, my kids are going to be sick of holidays. I want to decorate. I want them to experience the joy of being with friends and family in a loving environment. And I want them to know that they will be my greatest gifts for Christmas and for the rest of the year.
Well, the greatest gifts after the gift of salvation. :]
