This is the beginning of the end.
A single stepping stone in a life time of stones.
Today was the last day of school, yayness! I had my Psycholgy and Math final today. Ehhh...I'm not very excited to see my grades. I have high B's in all of my classes (except math), so I should do well overall I hope. Either way, I'm just thankful for these few weeks of break. =]
I'm also quite happy because I have a job (seasonal, most likely), so that'll keep my busy for the time between breaks so I don't get too lazy. I work at Target as a cashier, haha! I actually really like the job. I like talking to customers, it's fun. I don't like working the sales floor though. When I'm on the floor I just pretty much make things look presentable. I don't like the job because I don't know where anything is which makes me feel bad whenever a customer asks me where something is. >.< January 1, 2010. Yikes! It's already going to be 2010! The year went by so fast! Geebus! I'm sure they're only going to go by faster...So yeah, no community groups. That's fine, I get a bit of a break, haha. I bought my kids gifts. I guess I tried to make the gifts go with their personalities....well, at least I tried to, haha. For Marlena, I got her a gift card to Borders because I know she likes to read. For Nathan I got him a Peanuts calendar. For Kyle, I got him a Garfield calender...I pretty much got the boys calenders because I don't know what boys like, haha. Girls are soooo much easier to shop for! For Mia, I got her this really colorful bead necklace and braclet because she has such a loud personality. For Riley I got her this turtle thing that makes noise, and for Kaylee I got her this cool-looking journal. Natalie helped me pick out the gifts. I hope the kids like them...that's part of the reason I told them they had to wait until Christmas to open them, haha. I also bought Christmas gifts for friends as well. I think there are a couple more people I have to shop for, but I don't know what to get them! For some, I feel obligated to buy gifts because they have either bought something for me already or I talk to them a lot and I'm giving gifts to everyone close to me....neh, can I just be super rich please? Tonight instead of doing a lesson with the kids it was just a Christmas dinner thing with the group. That was interesting. I twitched involuntarily and uncontrollably when Jakob messed with the kids minds. It was annoying. For the most part though I sat and listened to the kids tell stories and it amused me. Mia was very loud, of course. She kind of reminds me of Jaymie in a way. Very quick to answer a question in my lesson and always there with a story. If it's not her it's Marlena...I think she reminds me of me because she has this interesting personality that's slightly harsh...haha. I love them. After dinner the adults ate and Jakob and I took the kids upstairs to watch The Prince of Egypt. I like that movie a lot. It was a great childhood movie. Then Jakob and I started talking about pagers because of a commercial on TV when Marlena asked me "what's a pager". I was like "oh gosh I'm old!"....yep.
So community groups...break time! For the next couple of weeks I'm looking at work. I need to copy down my schedule for next week again, haha...unless if I can find it. O.o
Ugggh...tonight went terribly. I let my emotions get the better of me, again. Faaaaail. I hate it when that happens. Mostly because I'm an assuming and negative mind, I think harshly. I don't know....Tonight I sat there and goodness I wanted to cry. No, I'm not on my period. I just wanted to curl into a ball and cry, which was bad..and I think that only happened because my mind takes things to the next level (sometimes it's not always bad. But tonight was kinda negative. What I mean by next level is, example, this happened today with Natalie.
Me: So I should by that penguin book and save it
Nat: yep for your wedding night!
me: yep! So after my husband reads it, it's like "okay! Let's consummate our marriage! Wow...I did not need to take it to this level....). I kinda wrote a poem...or not really...it's just this little thing that's really really bad and ugly, haha, but I will finish off this post with what I wrote.
I think I'm so rash because I lie to myself. A lot. Maybe because he's different. Uggh, I hate blogging about him because it just shows me how pathetic I am and how I try to deny a lot of that pathetic..ness...T_T But, what the flyingflipping heck, I'm going to blog it out.
He's so different from a lot of my friends. It disturbs me and angers me and makes me so annoyed. With a lot of friends I know they love me, they've told me, and there's something in their actions that show me that they love me. But with him, he's neutral...he's cold. It is so hard to understand his feelings. Maybe it is because I try to demand things from him without saying them out-right.
But tonight was another emotional snap, I think...but not an angry one. We were arguing a lot tonight and for some reason, I could not take it. So all in all, I screwed up royally. The arguing was how it normally is, and things were just fine and...better than fine, but I just screwed it up with my freaking emotions gah. Maybe it is a good thing he will go off to some big university sometime soon. Because I'm a terrible person I hoped he would stay close to home, but I realize...that whole story with the two mothers and the baby, the mother that was not the baby's true mother was willing to let the king cut the baby in half, but the true mother sacrificed her child and said let the other woman have it so her baby wouldn't be killed.
Maybe it's like that. I don't him to go far away because I'm terribly selfish and a part of me is still a child and holding, hoping, and praying for something impossible. But the part of me that grows up realizes that because I love him I need to let him go.
Yep.
But tonight....was bad. And it happened with an audience, so of course I was embarrassed. I did what he hates the most, but at the time I wanted to evoke some emotion in him. Something definite...only because I am so insecure. I'm glad I won't be seeing him for a while...but at the same time I'm scared. I did something stupid. What if I ruined what I desired in the first place? I'm scared because with someone like him things can go either way. *sigh*...tonight's episode is a major FML.
Anyway...as promised, I will close with what I wrote:
Can you feel my heart way over here
the pain and yearning from being so near.
Every word I take to heart,
keeping it locked like treasured art.
Can you feel me so close to you,
pleading and praying for a relationship, new?
When you look at me, what do you see,
do you see another face, or do you see me?
See? Suuuuper corny and dumb, haha.
...And tomorrow New Moon with Juliet in the morning! Haha...
