My Dreams Are Bursting at the Seams

I am a drop in the ocean. In a crowd of a million people, I am a faceless and nameless passerby that you will forget after your eyes have scanned over me. I am average. I make B's in school with the occasional A. I am the girl who smiles at you when you're walking down the street. That's a real smile too, because I am happy to be alive and I want you to feel that happiness too, but you're just another person who will look and look away so you don't have to smile. I'm the girl who sings when she walks to her car, and the girl who dances when leisurely walking gets boring.

I am insignificant to a million people. I am nothing to them. I don't have a soapbox to stand on, and I don't have a special talent that can touch many.

But when I die, today I understand that I can be...proud of all that I accomplished. I put a smile on the faces of those whom I love. I comforted the fears of children who looked to me for guidance. I was compassionate to those who needed to know they weren't alone. I held the hands of many who needed to know that someone was on their side. I listened to the voices that yearned to be heard. I worshipped and cried tears of joy when You set my soul afire. I saw beauty in things some couldn't see. I showed love to everyone I could.

When you're old and gray and/or are in the last few days before your breath ceases, what can you say you accomplished?

There are many who are more significant than I. There are those who people are always following and watching and listening to. There are those who are at the top of the top, the best of the best, the cream of the crop. Many of those people die without knowing true joy.

I am not saying all of this to boast or to be proud, but this is in fact, something that amazes me. I don't do much. I'm lazy as heck, I want to curl into myself and hide in my imaginary turtle shell when I meet someone new, and I usually prefer the company of books to people. I amazed that I accomplish so much.

How did this happen? How could such as wretched, insignificant, lowly creature such as myself do all this?

Well, boys and girls, I did nothing. It was all God. Look at what he has done with me.

My prayer, one of the many prayers, has always been for Him to use me, some way, some how. When I pray, I scream to Him, "God, here I am! Right here, God! Look, use me! Me, Lord!" Somehow, because I am still a child at heart, I dream that maybe I'll make a name (or rather, God will make a name for me), that after my body has returned to the earth from which I was created that my name will live on. A girl, a woman, who glorified God with all that she was. She changed the hearts of many. She left a big impression. My child-like self dreamt, and sometimes still dreams that.

But I am humbled to find that my prayer has and is coming true still. Sure, people across the world do not know my name, heck, few remember me because I curl into myself, but, I have changed lives because of God. Without Him, I am insignificant and lack a purpose. With Him, I am a most dazzling precious treasure, and that, kidlings, is hard to believe.

But, at this time, I still remember I am young. Just barely an adult of 18...so yes, still a child in many ways. I do believe there is more I can do for God. There is more left that He has planned. He's not through yet.

That excites me. That makes me smile. It also gets me thinking about who I am, how my personality has been molded. I love kids. I squeal at the sight of a baby and seeing one smile melts my heart. When I watch a movie of this adult couple going through a terrible divorce, sure, my heart breaks for them, but I am constantly thinking, "the kids. What about the kids?!" I can't stand to see people genuinely hurt. I can't stand tears; I wish it was me instead of them. I don't like sadness in other people, I can't stand it. I love unconditionally, I love everyone I meet (despite curling into a mental fetal position when meeting someone new and preferring books to people). I am a hopeless romantic.

All of those...well, maybe not the last one, can be used to glorify God. I can't wait to see what He does with that. Three or four years ago I never imagined myself on the road to becoming a social worker, I was set on being a writer, but here I am, my first semester of college nearly done, and on the path of social service. Wow...and I thought it was all me, but now I see it was God.

I still love writing, it's a great passion and source of happiness, but today, I know that if my intent was still set on writing I know I would not fully be satisfied. Sure, I'd be doing a passion, but I be doing it out of pride, not glorification for God.

Wowzers. God's so mysterious and great. I wish I could understand all that He is and all that He does, but I can't!

=]

Wow, just wow.

Thanks, God. Thank You for everything.

Last night I dreamed..

...and it made me laugh, but at the same time, quite sad.

In the dream I listened to you talk on the phone with her. I was annoyed by the way she made you laugh. And in the dream you were supposed to dance with me, but instead you decided last minute, she'd be the one you'd dance with instead.

Then the dream changed to you and me. I was just waking up, but I was on the phone with you. You were just waking up too. I don't remember who called who, but we were talking and it was raining outside (I think this only happened because I was just about to wake up in real life and it was raining outside =p). I remember snuggling into my blanket in the dream, knowing I did not have school later so I could relax, and I remember you telling me a story and I smiled because I was hearing your voice. I remember talking with you for a while, I didn't make you laugh as much as she made you laugh, but I had the feeling you never stopped smiling when I was talking to you. Then I asked you about a dance, already knowing that she had taken my place, and I don't remember your answer, but I had a sense of dancing in the rain.

Then I was in class, listening to a lecture when the teacher suddenly started talking about you, and a girl who is going to a university out of state sat next to me in the dream and she said that every big school wanted you and you were going to do big things. And she said to let you be you, and eventually you would come back to me. I remember laughing in the dream at the ridiculous notion that you were known at a school you didn't even attend.

O_o oh what a dream.

I can't believe you didn't want to be my dance partner anymore. >.<