C'est La Vie

Today was very unproductive for me. If anything, I did some laundry, so that has to count for something, right? That means I stepped foot outside! Well no, it doesn't count and yes I am very ashamed for not going outside and moving around. Baaaah, I fail. Tomorrow is dedicated to homework. I think I will do Spanish homework fist, just to get those 9 pages (so gross!) out of the way. Then I will do mymath homework and then I will check blackboard to see if I have homework in my other classes. If I do, I'll do that. Then after that I will read the Spanish story, answer the questions, study math, and hopefully read. :DD Yay, here's hoping that I actually get that done! :DD

Today I looked through the movie on mem.com about my papa. It is just a slide show of a few pictures with him in them and the family. Some really old from his Marine Corps days, and others that were taken in the last couple of years of his life. I noticed that my sister had added more pictures to the movie. Just seeing all the pictures and thinking through the years, I started to cry.

I can't remember the last time I legitamately cried because my heart or something was hurting. Even crying over a guy or something. I can't remember the last time tears actually spilled. Hmm, odd. Usually I am pretty sensitive, I could cry over the smallest things, but I guess that's not happening now.

That's weird though. I didn't notice when that happened. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I suppose it is a good thing that I stopped crying, but I don't want to be desensitized to life.

Hmmm. C'est la vie.

"Envy" by Anna Godberson. A bookreview.

Yesterday I finished the third book in one of my favorite series: "The Luxe" series. Altogether it takes place in 1899-1901 and it follows the story of high society teens and the scandals and rumours that surround them. After finishing Envy, I did indeed find myself quite envious. Sometimes I think it would be really fun to travel back to this time frame and live this life....

Anyway, in the third installment of Godberson's series, the dreama continues between Henry, Diana, and Penelope, and something shocking happens to each of them which completely change thier lives. I can't wait until I read the fourth and final book Splendor!

So far, I think my favorite characters are either of the Holland sisters (Elizabeth because she tries to be good to all and puts her family first and Diana because she is a free-spirit is is, above all else, true to herself), and Teddy Cutting because he is the only true gentleman in the novel that has been described so far.

I really enjoy Godberson's imagery of places, dresses, and situations. I find it so fascinating and interesting that I just can't stop reading until the book is completely finished. I would definitely recommend this book! :DD

Just Watch My Wildest Dreams Come True...

....not one of them involving you.

You. This is probably long overdue, over-done, over-stated, over-thought, over-everything, but I'm going to say it one more time and mean it with all that I am to the best of my ability. I want you to watch every dream I have come true. I want you to see that I chose good, and you. Well, I don't know what to say. You chose hatred and anger. I can say that I am truly sorry for the trials in life you have faced and will still face, especially since you live too deeply into things that may or may not last (mostly the latter) in your opinion. I am sorry I could not prove that wrong. But there is a reason things went the way they did. Now it is time to let your ghost rest in peace. It is now time to give up the nostalgia that's been holding me back and finally move on. You taught me a lot. You became a heavy influence on what I believe when it comes to true friendship and real love. So here's to letting go of the past that haunted many things in "my" today. I can only hope that you have a great life. That eventually you stop living for yourself and you see that there is something--someone bigger out there. And like our song went, "when one door opens to another door closed, I hope you keep on going until you find the window". Good luck.


And to you. Mostly to you. This is probably the hardest part. Letting go of...this feeling that I've kept for so long. I don't quite know exactly how I'm going to do it, when it's going to really happen, or how it will work. I do know that it needs to end. My dreams need to come true...without you. I suppose my dream can still be what I desired if I had you, but they cannot be you anymore. That limits me, stunts me, makes me a spiritual, emotional, social, atrophy. I still want to be around you. I'll still be around you because that's what I'll do as a friend. I can't do this jealousy anymore. I can't do this sadness anymore. Somehow, if my dreams are supposed to include you then I don't know there is so much pain behind it. So for now, I want you to watch my wildest dreams come true, not one of them involving you (it's so hard to stand by this conviction because my heart is still screaming that maybe God wants you, but baaah! This only makes me much more detmermined)...


Good luck. God bless. I love you.

Dear Serena Robles, below are your Personality Tests result:
Who is your true self: You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

Your view on yourself:
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You are down-to-earth
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : People like you because you are so straightforward
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking:
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You are a true romantic
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : When you are in love
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You will do anything
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Everything to keep your love true
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person
The seriousness of your love:
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : So you will find yourself with plenty of dates
Your views on education:
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Education is very important in life
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You want to study hard
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Learn as much as you can
The right job for you:
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You're a practical person
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Will choose a secure job with a steady income
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Knowing what you like to do is important
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Find a regular job doing just that
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You'll be set for life
How do you view success:
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You are afraid of failure
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous
What are you most afraid of:
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You are concerned about your image
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : The way others see you
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : It's time for you to believe in who you are
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Not what you wear

"Dark Visions" by L.J. Smith. A book review.

My favorite thing about reading books by L.J. Smith is probably the fact that her books were mostly written in the late 1980's and 1990's--Before all the Twilight hype. When reading her books I remember that her vampires came first, and when I read something that I've read in Twilight I begin to wonder if Stephenie Meyer read these books too...

ANYWAY!

Dark Visions by L.J. Smith is a book that has three books in one. They consist of The Strange Power, The Possessed, and The Passion. In these books there is a group of 5 psychics, 2 girls and 3 boys, who are learning the extent of their abilities by attending an institute. The Institute turns out to be evil and after they learn the true intentions of the diabolical Mr. Zetes, they look to bringing him and his evil forces down.

Of course there is also a love story when the main character Kaitlin, must choose between the healer Rob, and the telepath Gabriel.

I thought the book/series was pretty good...but it is what it is, a teen novel.

I would recommend it for light reading and for those who enjoy teen novels, and psychics! (:

I Used to be a Damsel in Distress...

I thought I'd open with this little tidbit of my past life:

"Like my last journal entry, I fell again, so to speak. In my own way I think I suffered another mental break down. For the longest time I couldn't cry-normally I cry to get everything out-so everything was basically bottled. As I lied down to sleep last night I was finally able to cry, not as much as i would like, but enough to get me through for now.
I've come to a realization over the past week of my sadness. Peopl screw you over. Caring is only a word, there is no such thing as a genuine person. Everyone is fake- including me. People either act emo to be all cool, or people either wear masks to hide pain. If people don't fall in that category then they still have some plastic thing about them.
Yeah..That's what I learned.
But even at this moment I'm still upset over the thing that causes me the most pain. I came out with what causes me the most pain, but the person just brushed me away. If that helps them heal, then fine. That's my wish for them..to heal.."

I found this journal entry on an old website I used to haunt (I did not edit anything, thus, there are many mistakes in it.), and it kind of....I don't know what it makes me feel. I was in my Sophomore year when I typed that entry up. So as I look back on it, I suppose I find it amusing because, well, holy crap, I was an emo child! It saddens me because the words I said are so...empty. I can almost sense the lack of life in it. I also feel...unattached from the writing. I mean, it wasn't me. If I close my eyes, I can almost remember writing that, pouring my heart into that, but it doesn't feel like me.

Looking back on this journal entry, I cannot believe how much I have changed since I was 15, 3, almost 4 years ago!

I never truly believed I have changed that much. Yes, I know that I am different from who I used to be, but I suppose, because I did not have hard evidence, I did not understand the gravity of my change.

I owe all of that to God!

Looking at that old journal entry, I think I have an idea as to what I was talking about, but I don't really know, at the same time. I have an obvious answer, an old friend from the past, but at the same time, I don't believe that it was her. I think it was another friend, another situation, I don't know.

Again, wow.

After seeing that old post, it makes me think....have I grown up? Have I matured? I strongly believe that at that age, because I was taking care of my dad, I was more mature, more grown-up than I am now. After seeing this, I think it is the other way around. I was extremely immature. I was dumb. In the past 3 years, something happened in my heart, and I grew up.

Heck, as dumb as it sounds, I blossomed.

I am not saying that today, I am an "adult". In many many ways I am still a child. I let stupid crushes make and break my day sometimes, I still play pranks, I get upset over the smallest things, I have my mommy (yes, I still say "mommy" too) cook for me.

In many ways I am still indeed a child.

But at the same time, I've taken giant leaps toward adulthood. Toward growing, toward being a woman of God.

I suppose I thought I was mature back then was because I cooked, I cleaned, I believed emotions were worthless so I made sure I didn't feel them, and I kept them locked and guarded under the heaviest protection imaginable. And when I felt...I felt...nothing good. Nothing admirable.

I suppose however, to tie into my title, I looked for a savior. My mouth said "Jesus was the way", but my heart wanted something more. Under my guise of hatred and depression, I was a damsel locked in a castle.

Today, my heart screams and my mouth sings that "Jesus is the way, the truth and the life". Today, He is more than enough. I'm no longer that girl waiting for someone. My Prince came and I was rescued.

It's amazing to see how fast time has gone. How much of a transformation I went under. I think the best part is seeing how week I used to be. :]

But, I don't regret anything I did then...well, there are some things that make me cringe when I think about it, but in the end. I regret nothing. Everything happened for a reason.

After seeing how low I once was, I know there is no where to go but up, and I will put hope in that comforting thought as I continue to grow...

"The Van Alen Legacy" by Melissa De La Cruz. A Bookreview.

Yes, it is indeed another vampire series. Instead of sparkling vampires in this one, the vampires are kind of different. One can not be made into a vampire ( I believe), but instead, they are angels. The fallen angels with Lucifer, trying to redeem themslves. They are called blue bloods because I think their blood shines blue, but also because they are born pretty rich!

So, "The Van Alen" legacy is the latest installment of the "Blue Bloods" series. And you know that old saying "oh how the plot thickens"? Well....oh how the plot thickens! Choices are made. Sides are chosen. Mimi shows a softer side, Jack is...Jack, and Shyuler's on the run.

Yep, that's The Van Alen legacy in a nutshell! I wish I could elaborate, but I would give away the plot. All I can say is this: when certain choices are made, it kind of reminds me of history in a way. Over the course of a past few centuries, this book has shown a somewhat accurate portral of teens. Before they would do exactly what parents would say, there would be no question against it. But today, rules are meant to be broken.

And that's what happens in this book! :D

Read it!

Culture.

When I think about culture, I automatically thing diversity. For some odd reason, I picture cobble-stoned streets and a mixture of tall skyscrapers, like those found in San Diego or New York, and I picture old white buildings that would belong to a foreign country. I picture this street teeming with people of all different races; I see myself, a single spectator, drinking it all in. With all the people and their different ethnicities, I imagine hundreds of different colors because it happens to be a street fair. There are pretty women young and old with flowing skirts dancing with the widest grins and men in a different group, supplying the rhythm for which they will dance to. I smell ethnic specialties as some man grills and others sell refreshing drinks. Younger children are dancing around the circle of performers, imitating to the best of their abilities, or they are playing random childhood games like hop-scotch and marbles. When I picture culture, I see the world unified in one area. No fighting, no wars, no politics. Just a bunch of people having a good time, enjoying each other's company.

Idealistic much?

Culture is such an amazing thing. Everything about it, language, foods, religions, even the technology. It is amazing to think of how diverse we are!

After that introduction, I kind of have a topic on my mind that kind of ties into culture.

The fashion culture!

Today, there was a girl in my class, who, goodness, she should have just stripped down to her underwear by the way she was dressed. She was wearing a suuuuper low-cut shirt (muuuch lower than I go, and I can go pretty low sometimes) with her bra peeking from the top. Also, she bent down and bah!, don't wanna go there! When I see others dressed like that it makes me wonder. If they are so keen on exposing their bodies, would it not be better to just save their money and instead of buying these clothes just walk around in their underwear? Really. -.- She is only one example. The western fashion culture is pretty scandalous as compared to other societies. Here, it is (almost, depending on who you are) perfectly acceptable to where a suuuper short skirt with butt cheeks hanging out, or if you're a guy to wear suuuper baggy jeans with boxers hanging out....what is it with the obsession for showing one's butt?! Gah! Anyway, western outfits are pretty racy as compared, say to that of women in Saudi Arabia.

In some Middle Easter countries, the women must be completely covered from head to toe, that can even include their face, save the eyes! That's crazy to think about, but for other cultures, that is the norm. Wow.

Not only that, think about education in countries. In North America, we apply for colleges in Senior year of high school. In Japan, they apply to high schools that are just as competitive as colleges would be. Here in North America, the education system doesn't really stress a certain learning material, we have favorite subjects and we tend to excel at those. In Russia, the children are amazing at math and science (something I heard that North America was lagging in).

It is an amazing concept to think of my own culture that I have grown up in and compare myself to someone my age in another country. If I was born in another country, I could have been married by now (married for a few years, actually), with kids and I could be illiterate. Long covering clothing could be my norm, and having my hair down in public would be unacceptable. I could be highly competitive in a school full of geniuses because that it was I was born into.

Wow.

What a shocking thought.

"A Thousand Days in Tuscany" by Marlena De Blasi. A bookreview.

For those who love good, Italina food and beautiful imagery, this is a book to read. De Blasi combines her knowledge of food and a talent for writing to create this beautiful work of art.

"A Thousand Days in Tuscany" is what it promises: a bittersweet adventure. Filled with moments that made me laugh out loud, that made me sad, and that made me smile along with the characters, it was a very good read.

However, this novel is different from the novels I am used to reading. If you are not a fan of imagery, then this is not a book for you. There seems to be less dialogue and more description in this book than most books today. Although I enjoyed reading De Blasi's work of art, it did take me longer than usual to get through and it was harder for me to pay attention than when it comes to other books.

So, I would recommend this book to those who like good food, imagery, and have enough time to truly get engaged in this beautiful tale of Tuscan life. :)

Selah.

Time stops for no one. It flows and flows. But, for moments like this, selah. Pause. Stop and listen. When I think of the word "selah", a wave of peace crashes over me.

Like a whisper in the wind.
The lightest fabric touch on my skin.
Selah.

I love the way it rolls off my tongue, how sweet it feels to say that word, and it's not even an English word!

Selah.

Just pause.

Stop. Listen.

If I could, I would pause certain moments.

The way the kids' smiles and laughter filled the room as they ran around and had fun.

Selah.

The way the little girl's eyes lit up when I ran around the gym with her.

Selah.

When almost a hundred glowsticks lit up a dark room as music pulsated in the background and more lights bounced off the walls.

Selah.

The sounds of the machines handing out tickets and victorious laughter after hitting the "jackpot".

Selah.

The night rain cool against my body, refreshing me, refreshing the earth.

Selah.

The work of the Lord. Knowing He has shaped every moment, every flower, everything. The colors He had used. For us. Beauty for us. Talents He has given us. All because of a great love for us. Praise be to Him.

Selah.

The way I feel when his eyes meet mine.

Selah.

The quirk of a smile a stranger gives when they are treated with courtesy.

Selah.

A content lull in the conversation between the best of friends.

Selah.

Turning the page of a really good book.

Selah.

Time stops for no one. Oh how I wish it would pause for me at these times so that I may engrave them permanently into my mind without change.

Praise be to God for multitudes of beauty.

Selah.

Pause. Meditate. Stop and listen. Beauty is all around. Don't forget to remember where it comes from.

We Can Stay Like This or Go Go Go...

Nostalgia. Such a bitter-sweet emotion. I love the memories behind it. I love replaying moments in my head that I have forgotten and moments that I have treasured. This bitter-sweet feeling is so funny. When remembering things from a couple years' past, it's amusing to think how much I have changed since then. How much my surroundings have changed. I do have the same friends from the past, but my circle is different. I'm not close to those who I used to be close to. When I think of the memories I have of them/with them it makes me smile, but at the same time, it makes me sad.

Looking at pictures always bring a rush of these feelings. Looking through recent pictures of old friends are the real killers. When I look at them I laugh and smile because that is what I see and what I can feel when looking at these photographs, but at the same time, I wasn't there. Had it been two or three years ago, yes I would have been there. I might have been the one taking the picture, or heck, I might be the one in the picture, but today I am simply the viewer.

Along with nostalgia comes a wave of surprise. Oh how time has flown. I always joke that I have regressed in maturity levels since I was sixteen, sure, maybe I have in a way, but I have also matured at the same time. Contradiction? Most likely.

Sticking with the idea of looking at photographs of old friends in present times, I'm so glad to have met them. Everyone I have ever been close to/spent some significant amount of time with has shaped me, changed me, left me with some impression. All the people in my life have been and are building blocks to how I view life today....Well, that really doesn't explain how white-washed I am...but I think that it is mostly because when a Mexican Dad and an Asian Mommy make a chex mix child, that child is most likely going to be racially confused. Well...better to be racially confused than genderly or sexually confused! :D But, I hope my point is getting across. I would not change the life I have lived for anything. The mistakes I made, the regrets I have, those are all important too.

Looking at photographs of the past and present, I start to think about the things I have done in life, the things that we important to me. I will admit I went through a stage where appearance meant a lot to me, where for me it was based on who I could pretend to be, rather than who I truly was.

Today is a different story. I am attempting to stay grounded in who I am, who I have become. I hate using the term young woman for some reason. I still believe I am a girl. I don't know when I will transition into this "young woman" or "woman" stage of my life, but I hope I know when I'll get there. I don't even know what makes a woman. O_o No, not periods. Kinda like how what makes a man is his lack of emotions or some other stupid thing like that. If women have to have a stupid thing like that, I don't know what my take of that would be. Hmm, weird.

Point is, I'm ready to go. The bitter-sweet taste of nostalgia is good every now and again, but life does not have a pause button. Life goes on, it stops for no one, one moment blends into another, kind of like colors, and as all the colors of the world unify in a continuous chaotic motion, life will still continue.

As humans, we could "stay like this". We don't have to grow up. We can be completely unbending like a tree that has lived a century or more in a mighty wind. We can do that if we truly desire. Or we can "go go go". We can grow, we can learn.

As for me, I feel that I am most partial to the latter.

:]

Enojo

Estoy enojado. No, no tengo enojado, tengo molesto. Yo se, yo se, es malo, pero no puedo ayudar! Conozco tan Dios se ayudame, pero, es mi falta. Mi corazón es muy emocional. Ah, es como no excusa. Necesito mirar a Dios, haha, menos a hablar y andar para mas. Tengo muy gazmoñera. Yo simempre hablo sobre de caminar mucho y no hago mucho, pero, mirame!

Hágale quiere saber lo que hablo de? Quieres saber que lo que molesto? Estoy molesto porque yo me hincho. Me creo como estoy mas importante lo que la verdad. Comparar a otra niña, no que habrá espacia para mi. Comparar a los amigos otros, no tengo especial. Apuesto el no cuida a mi.

Sé egoísta de me, pero, quiero tener imporante a el! Quiero saber el se quiere a mi tambien. Pero, no el querer entre amantes, pero, el querer de amigos en Cristo. Hoy, yo no podría pensar en nada pero usted. Yo se, tengo boba. Yo no cuido! Es muy triste.

Por qué le hace tiene el control sobre mí? A mis emociones? Eso no es justo. A veces, yo aborrezco ser una niña. Pero, esto es la vida. =\


bahaha....>_> some of that is my translations, whcih suck, but other parts I cheated....O_o -_-