Mind Detoxification

So I decided to be nice to my brain and let loose some of the excess thoughts floating around so it can breathe. Who says I'm not good to my body?! :D Anyway, so this is pretty much a jumble of thoughts that have been floating around in my mind for some time. I wish I could write this all out in my journal, but I really don't feel like it. For me, cursive is very natural and do you know how long it would take for me to write all of this in cursive?! Gah! I don't even want to think about it! To make up for it, I get a 4 day weekend (well 3...Sundays are always very busy for me), so I'm allowed to take a little break. :)

First off, I've been thinking about missionss, curbs and parades, and time since the speaker came to our church on missions Sunday. I really enjoyed what he had to say. I think the funny thing is, apparently the mike turned off when he was speaking and it never turned back on. I wonder if anyone had trouble hearing him. Personally, I heard him loud and clear, and I think that's a God thing. =] Anyway, so he started talking about missions and such. It really got me thinking (as many other things do). I've always wanted to go on a mission...well, I wanted to be a missionary in middle school, and then after that I just had the strongest desires to see the world, to help people which is why I considered the Peace Corps for a while in sophomore year. Now, I still want to go on a mission trip. I signed up for the Mexico day-trip which I think will be a good start. As for now, all I can do is pray on it. I know that if I am to go on mission trips that are longer than a day, I'm going to need some serious humbling. I mean, I think I will be able to handle the missions, but I just need to clean my heart a bit more, if that's the term I'm going for. Now that I think about it, realized that I've been a bit selfish in my thinking. I believe that the best time for me to go on a Mission trip would be now, before I get my Master's degree, because I believe once I get my Bachelor's, after that, I won't have time to do much of anything except study for my Master's. In a way that's kind of selfish, I'm pretty much telling God "use me now or never"! I'm not trusting His time. He does things on HIS time not mine. Everything will work out in the end.

Next, school. Auuuggggh! Math is stressing me out to no end! I have a really bad grade, but I refuse to drop because I want out of Palomar as soon as possible. I'm transfering. I just need at least a C in math and I'm good. I really need help in that class though so I'm asking friends. My problem is that I hate asking friends for help. I know I have a few math-genius friends who are willing to help me, but the point is I get afraid to ask. I don't want to seem stupid. When it comes to math, I am in fact, stupid. Graphing might as well be another foreign language that I can't seem to figure out. I mean, I know I am good at other subjects. Some sjubjects I don't even have to study and I'll get an A no matter what because that's who I am....Spanish is a class that I have to study for if I want to pass, but it's no where near as difficult as math. Jaymie says she's willing to help me and I hope she can. When someone teaches me math, the best approach to teaching me that atrocious subject is to pretend they are teaching a toddler. They would reaaaaalllly need to dumb it down. =[

I plan on taking summer classes, Speech and Statistics through Sociology. So far, the classes I am interested are Monday-Thursday which is kind of annoying, but I'll take it. I get out of school at 1 so that means I'll have plenty of time for a job! Hopefully if I get a job, I will still have time for friends and fun this summer...

Still going with school....I don't even know where I want to transfer to after Palomar! I'm visiting CSUN with Jon and Natalie on the 19th and that's kind of my first choice school at the moment. After that I am considering Fullerton and also San Jose State. OF these 3 schools, none are really calling to me. I don't even think I want to go to Fullerton...I don't even know why I am considering it. I think I really wanted to go there for a little while, but now I feel apathetic to it. I kinda wish I had a "dream" school, like Jaymie is with Azusa, like Jakob is with NYU, and like Sandra (in my Philosophy) class is with Fullerton. Somehow if I had that, maybe the choice would be easier. I still know what I want to do, Social Work, but where I'm getting it is still a mystery. I start applying in October which I would like to think is very far away, but in reality, it isn't. *sigh*. Again, trusting God with life!

I've gained more weight. =[ Bah. No bueno. It is because I'm not moving around as much as I usually do...not that I was a gym rat in the past. I did dance and that kept me a stable weight if anything. Now that I'm not doing much the pounds are packing on. Gah, I really need to start walking or doing some other form of excercise. Anything that keeps me moving and on the go! I try to make my mind take light of the weight gain situation, but I just can't. I hate knowing that I'm getting fatter. It scares me. It scares me in shallow ways as well as deeper ways. My mind wants to automatically go back to no eating until the scale says I'm 5 pounds less, but I know that's not good because I won't stop at 5 pounds. To this day I know that something in me internally is..."broken". I threw something off whack with my whole "no food" thing, and for that I will pay for a very long time. Goodness. =[

Also, I've been thinking about personality. It is said that once a person reaches some time in their 20's their personality pretty much doesn't change. I wonder if that's true. To some extent I know it is. I wonder if I will change. I still think I have room to mature, but right now, I don't know. I hope I mature, I don't like the idea of staying with my mentality forever. If I can change myself, I hope I can gain back the maturity I was known for. I would like to stay child-like in a way that means I will always be a learner and that I won't have "prejudice filters". I want to see people for who they really are, regardless of shape, size, color, religion, gender, whatever. I don't want to judge. I'm getting more into the arts and I hope that's something that continues to grow. I hope my love for beauty in the natural world continues to grow. I hope that I will always be flexible. I hope my gentleness can extend to everyone instead of stretching to just children and the person I'm sweet on at the time. I hope my love never ceases. I hope that I can simply impersonate a butterfly...beauty, gentle....God's beautiful creation.

I have a story idea floating in my mind, but I don't know what to do with it. It's a magical realism/fantasy idea. It's based on Plato's theory of the soul. Also, this is a real story I think, not a short story that will sustain me for a while. I hope to go somewhere with this!


Well, my brain feels a bit lighter! It feels really nice to get all these thoughts out on.....inter-space? I know that in a few minutes they'll all come back though...oh well...at least I'm free for now! :DD