Of Course You Can

I never thought it was possible to become physically ill like I am right now. It's something you read about in books. How the stomach knots all of a sudden and the character becomes physically ill. Nope, that's never happened to me before. But, I can't say that anymore. Well, it's a shocking feeling...I don't like it. =p

Well, I've done some serious thinking in the past half hour. I'm a little girl with little girl thoughts that needs to grow up and face the real world.

Fairy tales don't exist.

They aren't real.

Plain and simple.

But life does go on. Oh yes, it does...and so painfully does it.

Maybe I'm throwing a silent tantrum right now. This illness is a result of it. But, I need to grow up. I need to take my heart back and give it back to You. It was fun regressing, but really, it's time to stop.

Face what's never going to happen. Face what's going to happen.

I hate where I am right now. I hate this state of being. I hate surprises, I ahte not knowing. Heck, I hate not knowing if I'm going to get my classes or not next week. I hate not knowing what I'm doing for Christmas. I hate not knowing what's going to happen tomorrow in English class. I don't like being the one surprised. I hate not knowing if my dreams will come true or not. I'm sick of my heart hurting and it's all my fault. I'm sick of crying over somethin I can change. I'm sick of being selfish, and yet I will continue ranting on selfishly because I can and because I'm letting everything out. I'm sick of it all. I haven't been sick of life and tired of living in a while, but today has broken that streak. I want to go to sleep tonight and not wake up to face tomorrow. I'm done, I'm over it.

Can't you see God, how much I need you?

Of course. I'm stupid. You can.

I've grown up learning that nothing I do will ever be hidden from you, I learned that you know me more than I know myself. But, God, do You really see every tear and care for each? Maybe it's my own stupid heart that's blocking you out just like fat is blocking the good blood from getting to my heart. Do you really see my throat choking me as I try not to cry?

Of course You can.

Of course You know I mean nothing that I type, of course You know that I want to wake up tomorrow and within the week it'll be different and all will be right and happy with the world again.

Why can't I pray for days on end anymore?

You are the Alpha and Omega. The beginning and the end. Night and day. Everything. My hope, my dreams, my love. Everything. Perfect in every way possible.

But I am so imperfect and I screw up royally. A lot. And I know that as this rant ends. You'll take me back because You love me unconditionally.

And that is not fair.