Selfishness...

"I think if someone was drowning human instinct would kick in for me and I would figure out how to swim."

-"Then jump in; human instinct will kick in for you and you'll learn how to swim. If you don't I'll teach you. Or you'll drown."

"Haha...I think if I fell in I would rather drown.."

-"......so now I know if you were drowning I'd let you. I'd respect your wishes for dying. It sounds like you want to die, right?"

"...Well...nehhh....If I were drowning, I would try to save myself but I wouldn't try very hard because I wouldn't be motivated. But if someone was drowning and I was trying to save them I know I would try harder and have greater motivation--"

-"You have a horrible mentality!!"

....I hate me for thinking throughout this conversation "I want to hear that you'd be willing to save me. I want to hear that you care enough to see something in me that's worth saving." I know I'm incredibly selfish for thinking it. And I hate myself all over again for thinking it. ._.

And I'm pretty much dissing God's masterpiece. I can't help it though. How can years of self-hatred be erased? How can I forget that I am indeed pretty? How can I see what other's see in me? Why can't I see myself the way I see everyone else in this world--beautiful? Why do I stumble and fall and curl into a ball hoping that I'll just absorb it all like a sponge or have it bounce off instead of calling on God?

....bwah...I wanna punish myself.