Sometimes I wish life was kinda like "High School Musical". I mean, imagine, how interesting would it be if we all just burst into song and dance. When the going gets tough..."we're all in this together"! When we start to fall in love with someone..."we're breaking free (soaring!), flying", and when we get distracted we "gotta get our heads in the game". Not to mention sweet dance numbers to go along with that! Oh what a life that would be.
So today...happy Easter! He is risen! How fitting that there should be earthquakes in my area on the day of His Resurrection. I think that's pretty sweet. Haha...at least no one got hurt, so it's a good thing!
Today was not a good day. Mmm...yeah. Ever have those moments where you don't realize what you're doing except that you know exactly what you're doing? Does that make sense? Well it does for me, because that happened to me. I knew what I was doing, but I managed to...remove myself from the situation. I was watching, I was feeling, I was doing. But I was a spectator. I wasn't myself. I don't understand. I don't understand how I lost myself.
I miss my dad.
I miss my family.
I miss family. Sure, my brother invited me to go to his in-laws house, and even Juliet invited me to her house so I had the opportunity not to be alone. But I declined both. I easily declined to Juliet because I know that deep in my heart they aren't my family, which is hard sometimes. Sometimes I forget that I am not related to them because they are so close to me. Heck, I get invited to their family gatherings more often than I am to my own family. I don't understand! So in the end it is entirely, completely, wholly, undeniably my fault. Even so...things have been different since Dad passed. I called my sister to see if they are doing anything for Easter and they said now, and I found out they decided to go to their mother's house. I didn't get the invite. My sisters who do plan things have moved to Oregon, and I tried to plan things with the siblings that are still here, but they never went though. Maybe because I have no power, or maybe because everyone lost heart. It saddens me. I miss when we all got together at someones house or at a restaurant. I miss being part of something big. I know this loneliness is not my fault. Or maybe it is. Perhaps it is indeed my fault that my family doesn't get together anymore. It just makes me sad. When I sit there by myself I begin to think about the family I hope to have. I hope to have enough friends, I hope that I have at least two kids, and I hope that my husband has family so my kids never have to feel the loneliness. I love close, big families. That feeling of security, of knowing that there is someone there.
But, it is all up to God. I don't get a say in it. Well, not really. O.o It would be a bad time for me to get involved with anyone now or in the near future. However, whoever I do end up getting serious with, he'll have to be the patient type. I'll be bringing a lot of baggage. It's inevitable. I realize that I am depressed. It comes and goes and goes for a really long time but then it comes back. I am not looking for a savior. I have one, He's the one that keeps the blunt of the pain away when the enemy takes over my mind. I don't even know if I'm looking for the familiar. I would love the familiar because he would already know me. He would ideally know me now so he isn't surprised by my emotions. However, I don't know. All I know is that my heart is in a weird mood at the moment. Envious, fearful, annoyed, protective, and every other emotion in between for someone. Something.
I never realized how much I enjoy the spring. The colors of wildflowers are so exquisite. Through my hate-filters I was never able to appreciate the beauty of the world as I thought I did. But now I see that it is perfect. Amazing. I think I'm in love with spring. =]
My emotioooonnnnns. Those babies need to die. Speaking of babies, I love them. They seriously make me smile. They are the greatest things ever. Especially their smiles.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Quotes.
Yesterday was Bible study with the older community group kids and that was much more fun that usual. Kaylee turned 11, and she knows that her maiko/minion-ship is soon to start. The kids were also treated with a very special guest last night. -_____-
But anyway, the lesson was on joy/happiness, showing happiness and joy as means of worshipping God, and all through the night, the kids (and me!) said the cutest things..I think this is why I love kids:
"Joy is when you climb through someone's window and sleep in their house!"
"See look, I'm crossing my legs! I'm really meditating!"
"Be a good boy Kyle. Go to church, love God. Respect women, and they'll respect you too....and give you chocolate!"
"Kissing and romance makes Serena joyful!"
"-...Really?
-Yes! Can I please write "Kaylee is your minion" on your glasses?!
-fine.."
-"I made a baby cry with a puppet."
-"Did the baby pee on you then too?"
-"Secrets don't make friends!
-So?"
"Shhh! We have to be quiet they're about to kiss! Serena wants to watch this part!"
"Serena, have you kissed a boy?"
"Okay kids, listen up. Boys are gross in jr. high and in high school, and in college.
-Yes, they're mostly gross until they're 25 or so, and then after that, they've matured.
-Don't kiss boys! Or girls, in your case, Kyle!"
-"No one should have to call someone 'Master'.
-Unless your name is Toby...>_>"
-"We're all in this together...*trail off*
-Wow Serena, I don't think I've ever heard you sing on free will.."
"Serena! How could you abandon me?! I'm supposed to be your minion!"
"Girls are gross."
"Boys are gross...except for my brother."
"Be as silent as a mouse.
-That's actually not very quiet, they make a lot of noise.
-Fine. In that case, be as silent as a ninja.
-But that's impossible!"
Kids...
:]
<3
But anyway, the lesson was on joy/happiness, showing happiness and joy as means of worshipping God, and all through the night, the kids (and me!) said the cutest things..I think this is why I love kids:
"Joy is when you climb through someone's window and sleep in their house!"
"See look, I'm crossing my legs! I'm really meditating!"
"Be a good boy Kyle. Go to church, love God. Respect women, and they'll respect you too....and give you chocolate!"
"Kissing and romance makes Serena joyful!"
"-...Really?
-Yes! Can I please write "Kaylee is your minion" on your glasses?!
-fine.."
-"I made a baby cry with a puppet."
-"Did the baby pee on you then too?"
-"Secrets don't make friends!
-So?"
"Shhh! We have to be quiet they're about to kiss! Serena wants to watch this part!"
"Serena, have you kissed a boy?"
"Okay kids, listen up. Boys are gross in jr. high and in high school, and in college.
-Yes, they're mostly gross until they're 25 or so, and then after that, they've matured.
-Don't kiss boys! Or girls, in your case, Kyle!"
-"No one should have to call someone 'Master'.
-Unless your name is Toby...>_>"
-"We're all in this together...*trail off*
-Wow Serena, I don't think I've ever heard you sing on free will.."
"Serena! How could you abandon me?! I'm supposed to be your minion!"
"Girls are gross."
"Boys are gross...except for my brother."
"Be as silent as a mouse.
-That's actually not very quiet, they make a lot of noise.
-Fine. In that case, be as silent as a ninja.
-But that's impossible!"
Kids...
:]
<3
Monday, March 29, 2010
"The Crow" by Alison Croggon. A Book review.
I love fantasy novels. I was very young when I first read Harry Potter, and I just went from there! There's just something special about fantasy novels that really take me away. Perhaps it is because they test the theory of reality, of what is, and what isn't. Magic can be all around us if we only take the time to look and listen.
"The Crow" by Alison Croggon is the third book in the Pellinor series. This book follows Hem and Saliman instead of Maerad and Cadvan, just like in the last two books. In this book, Hem meets an orphan girl named Zelika who has the fiercest temper, and he also befriends a white crow which he names Irc. In this book Hem finds that he has an important role to play in the destruction of the evil "Nameless One".
This book was well written. I enjoy the way Croggon writes as though she is re-writting history. There is a lot of explanation and a lot of background information so I never get lost when reading. Hem is such an adorable boy-character. However, for a boy, I do believe he is too soft. Then again, he is only around the age of 13, so that is allowed. It is interesting to see his view of things instead of just Maerad.
I think I would recommend this series to those who love fantasy and adventure. =]
"The Crow" by Alison Croggon is the third book in the Pellinor series. This book follows Hem and Saliman instead of Maerad and Cadvan, just like in the last two books. In this book, Hem meets an orphan girl named Zelika who has the fiercest temper, and he also befriends a white crow which he names Irc. In this book Hem finds that he has an important role to play in the destruction of the evil "Nameless One".
This book was well written. I enjoy the way Croggon writes as though she is re-writting history. There is a lot of explanation and a lot of background information so I never get lost when reading. Hem is such an adorable boy-character. However, for a boy, I do believe he is too soft. Then again, he is only around the age of 13, so that is allowed. It is interesting to see his view of things instead of just Maerad.
I think I would recommend this series to those who love fantasy and adventure. =]
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
These Are a Few of My Favorite Things
So my last couple of posts have been so...hate-filled and depressing and all those other horrendous negative emotions. For that I apologize. Well I just recently read this article on Yahoo! which is called "101 everyday things that make people happy", or something like that. As I was reading the list I started to smile when I realized I could fully agree with some of them. I like to think that I find joy in the smallest and biggest things in life. Because I could not agree with everything on that list I've decided to make my own list and see how many things I find beautiful and how many things that bring me joy.....
P.s. These are in no particular order. Except number one. (:
1. God (bahaha, the list should end after that...)
2. Colors
3. Bare feet
4. Rain
5. A cool breeze
6. Hearing a favorite song on the radio
7. Owl City
8. Writing a story
9. Reading a book that I get completely lost in
10. Getting an A in class
11. Singing to a favorite song
12. Dancing
13. Romance
14. Finding a good quote
15. Hugs
16. Old memories
17. Children
18. Success
19. Knowing I made someone happy
20. Being good to others
21. Love
22. Guitars
23. Pianos
24. Seeing old friends
25. Making new friends
26. Getting a math problem right
27. Coloring in a coloring book
28. Disney movies
29. Harry Potter
30. Waking up from a really good dream that actually got to finish
31. Old photographs
32. Writing in cursive
33. Blank pages in an unused diary or journal
34. Breath-taking photography
35. Being needed
36. Flowers
37. Butterflies
38. Watching someone do a random act of kindness for strangers
39. Guys that are really good with kids
40. Chivalry
41. Good food
42. Summer days
43. The beach
44. Sunset
45. Meaningful late-night conversations
46. Best friends
47. All friends
48. Bubbles
49. Seeing the scale numbers go down
50. Being productive
51. Finding "the perfect" thing...whatever that may be
52. Cool nights
53. Stars
54. Good movies
55. Warm blankets
56. Penguins
57. Pandas
58. Narwhals
59. Laughing so hard it hurts
60. Stretching after a long drive
61. Family
62. Happy Endings (real and fictional)
63. Miracles
64. Cute words ("flippy floppies!")
65. Cool shade on a hot day
66. Great naps
67. Sleep
68. Getting a hand-written letter in the mail
69. Receiving a package in the mail
70. Accents
71. Adventures to new places
72. Music that moves the soul
73. The kindness of others
75. Carne asada fries
76. Warm soup on a cold day
77. Warm and crispy bread
78. Philosophy
79. Smiles
80. Big purses
81. Good smelling hair
82. Compliments
83. Cultural things
84. Learning something new
85. Beautiful dresses
86. Musicals
87. Seeing plays
88. Books on sale
89. Free things
Well, that's my list so far. I know there's more that makes me smile, but I can't think of anything else! :D
And now I don't feel so bad!!!
P.s. These are in no particular order. Except number one. (:
1. God (bahaha, the list should end after that...)
2. Colors
3. Bare feet
4. Rain
5. A cool breeze
6. Hearing a favorite song on the radio
7. Owl City
8. Writing a story
9. Reading a book that I get completely lost in
10. Getting an A in class
11. Singing to a favorite song
12. Dancing
13. Romance
14. Finding a good quote
15. Hugs
16. Old memories
17. Children
18. Success
19. Knowing I made someone happy
20. Being good to others
21. Love
22. Guitars
23. Pianos
24. Seeing old friends
25. Making new friends
26. Getting a math problem right
27. Coloring in a coloring book
28. Disney movies
29. Harry Potter
30. Waking up from a really good dream that actually got to finish
31. Old photographs
32. Writing in cursive
33. Blank pages in an unused diary or journal
34. Breath-taking photography
35. Being needed
36. Flowers
37. Butterflies
38. Watching someone do a random act of kindness for strangers
39. Guys that are really good with kids
40. Chivalry
41. Good food
42. Summer days
43. The beach
44. Sunset
45. Meaningful late-night conversations
46. Best friends
47. All friends
48. Bubbles
49. Seeing the scale numbers go down
50. Being productive
51. Finding "the perfect" thing...whatever that may be
52. Cool nights
53. Stars
54. Good movies
55. Warm blankets
56. Penguins
57. Pandas
58. Narwhals
59. Laughing so hard it hurts
60. Stretching after a long drive
61. Family
62. Happy Endings (real and fictional)
63. Miracles
64. Cute words ("flippy floppies!")
65. Cool shade on a hot day
66. Great naps
67. Sleep
68. Getting a hand-written letter in the mail
69. Receiving a package in the mail
70. Accents
71. Adventures to new places
72. Music that moves the soul
73. The kindness of others
75. Carne asada fries
76. Warm soup on a cold day
77. Warm and crispy bread
78. Philosophy
79. Smiles
80. Big purses
81. Good smelling hair
82. Compliments
83. Cultural things
84. Learning something new
85. Beautiful dresses
86. Musicals
87. Seeing plays
88. Books on sale
89. Free things
Well, that's my list so far. I know there's more that makes me smile, but I can't think of anything else! :D
And now I don't feel so bad!!!
Monday, March 22, 2010
My Funny Heart
Despite it all, I still feel kinda down. Why should I? I mean...haha, I guess I get over-emotional sometimes, and it involves friendship. So I have a right to be emotional?
Well, whatever, either way I will be. I like to believe that I can be strong. I like to believe that things can't hurt me as much as they should. So, can I be strong in this moment where it is most needed? In a time where I can lose a friend who I love dearly as a brother? But it hurts. Here I am listening to a break up song when it's not necessary. But it is a good song. "Curtains Closing" by Rhianna...or it's called something like that. I like the lines that go "But you've put on quite a show, really had me going..." and there's more that I like, but at the moment, I don't feel like typing it out because my emotional distraught level just..sky-rocketed? That just means I'm more jittery and more annoyed than I was a few moments ago. I think it's funny. Nothing is as it seems. We what we long to see. We feel what we want to feel and to hell with the rest, right? Well, that was stupid of me. A fatal mistake. I'm only more so annoyed because I KNOW you got my message, but you're not going to respond to me. You'll just ignore it, and next time I see you, you won't acknowledge it. Things will still go on as they are right now. Well, that just sucks. You know what? I miss you, okay? I miss best guy friend #2. I miss the hours we spent laughing at stupidity. I miss the arguements. [Haha, I just realized how well the song, well, certain lines, fit you so well! You deserve a standing ovation for your show!] I miss the moments that you helped me get through stupid things like my shyness, and my inablity to be assertive. I miss that time at the beach where we stared at the water and talked about the future. I miss the times we watched those kids. I miss the times where we got along so well that it seemed too good to be true. Haha. I am a prophet, huh? I miss being the first people you told stuff to. I miss who I thought you were. What I don't understand is why do I get the act? Why don't I deserve the real you? Am I too much of a simpleton for you? Does it embarrass you to have a friend like me? Imperfect compared to all the other people that you are "close" to. Those who are always ready to look good whatever the time. Now I know I'm just going insane and crying over nothing, but at the moment, there is no worse pain that knowing you're losing a friend. I wish I could ignore you for as long as I plan to, but I know. I know you're going to disarm me with a smile. You're going to hug me. I'm going to break. Hmm, maybe that's why you don't like me that much. Right? *deep breath* Okay. "No one can make me feel inferior without my consent". That includes you. Well, if anything new comes out of this, I'm going to hold my head higher. I can see, now that I'll always have a better heart than you. I'll always give someone the honesty they deserve. I will never break someone's heart with lies. I will appear to be the person I truly am, be they friend, stranger, or foe. So friend, the curtain's closing on you, but opening for me, and instead of a play, I'm sharing my autobiography.
Well, whatever, either way I will be. I like to believe that I can be strong. I like to believe that things can't hurt me as much as they should. So, can I be strong in this moment where it is most needed? In a time where I can lose a friend who I love dearly as a brother? But it hurts. Here I am listening to a break up song when it's not necessary. But it is a good song. "Curtains Closing" by Rhianna...or it's called something like that. I like the lines that go "But you've put on quite a show, really had me going..." and there's more that I like, but at the moment, I don't feel like typing it out because my emotional distraught level just..sky-rocketed? That just means I'm more jittery and more annoyed than I was a few moments ago. I think it's funny. Nothing is as it seems. We what we long to see. We feel what we want to feel and to hell with the rest, right? Well, that was stupid of me. A fatal mistake. I'm only more so annoyed because I KNOW you got my message, but you're not going to respond to me. You'll just ignore it, and next time I see you, you won't acknowledge it. Things will still go on as they are right now. Well, that just sucks. You know what? I miss you, okay? I miss best guy friend #2. I miss the hours we spent laughing at stupidity. I miss the arguements. [Haha, I just realized how well the song, well, certain lines, fit you so well! You deserve a standing ovation for your show!] I miss the moments that you helped me get through stupid things like my shyness, and my inablity to be assertive. I miss that time at the beach where we stared at the water and talked about the future. I miss the times we watched those kids. I miss the times where we got along so well that it seemed too good to be true. Haha. I am a prophet, huh? I miss being the first people you told stuff to. I miss who I thought you were. What I don't understand is why do I get the act? Why don't I deserve the real you? Am I too much of a simpleton for you? Does it embarrass you to have a friend like me? Imperfect compared to all the other people that you are "close" to. Those who are always ready to look good whatever the time. Now I know I'm just going insane and crying over nothing, but at the moment, there is no worse pain that knowing you're losing a friend. I wish I could ignore you for as long as I plan to, but I know. I know you're going to disarm me with a smile. You're going to hug me. I'm going to break. Hmm, maybe that's why you don't like me that much. Right? *deep breath* Okay. "No one can make me feel inferior without my consent". That includes you. Well, if anything new comes out of this, I'm going to hold my head higher. I can see, now that I'll always have a better heart than you. I'll always give someone the honesty they deserve. I will never break someone's heart with lies. I will appear to be the person I truly am, be they friend, stranger, or foe. So friend, the curtain's closing on you, but opening for me, and instead of a play, I'm sharing my autobiography.
The Absence
It is such a nice day. The sun is out, but it's not very hot, which is good! There is the slightest breeze which makes it better. It's nice spring weather. Good enough to abandon sneakers for flip flops, but still cool enough to keep a warm jacket on.
It started off as a decent day. I went to the dentist which I hate. I have a great fear of those people, but after that I was fine. Tonight I will be having dinner with my brother which I'm glad for! I love going to Carlsbad. That is one beautiful city. Somehow, some way, I am always inspired whenever I'm there. I don't know if it is the reason why I am there or if there is magic in that simple place, but either way, it is wonderous!
What put me in this mood now is my quick-to-change emotions. I suppose that my emotions only change as quickly as they do under certain circumstances. Well then, I happened across one of those circumstances that would make me less than happy. When it comes to situations such as these, I wish I still wrote poetry.
Don't get me wrong, I still love it! I love cadences, rhymes, the way words slip onto paper, off the mouth, from the soul and heart like honey. It's beautiful. I miss the feeling from the pit of my stomach as my mind swirls with kind words and naked truths as I try to describe my feels in a way that states exactly what I long to say but at the same time circles the topic, revealing everything and nothing. I wish I could still do that.
I don't remember when I stopped writing poetry. I suppose my last poem was, well...hmm, I don't know, maybe summer or fall of last year, and for me, that is a looooong time. For me, poetry comes when my emotions are at their most intense peak. When they reach that moment, when everything is out in the open is when I can truly write.
A month or so ago I tried writing a poem to see if I could still do it, but because I was slightly apathetic to it all I left it unfinished. When I re-read it I found that I had simply wrote a piece of rubbish. Stupidity. And, quite frankly, blah-ness. Even as I say that, I feel like taking it all back. What I wrote did not need to be written, for in the end I had written an almost prayer. Things that have been going through my mind for the longest time, but on paper, it was unnecessary.
Yes, I do have an absence of poetry in my life. I miss it. I hate what absence brings. At this moment, I realize that very soon I will be letting go a few other things. Absence for me is like ripping a picture in half. Say there are a group of people in the picture, and then I rip someone out, then there is only an empty space of where that person used to be. That's how it is for the things and people in my life.
I was never meant to say good-bye. I cling to those I love with all my heart, mind, and soul, but for some reason, the most cherished get taken away. At this moment in time, I don't know what to make of that. Hmmmm...
Either way, as I struggle to grow, and learn to say goodbye, I suppose, that, if I must, I will get used to this absence...
It started off as a decent day. I went to the dentist which I hate. I have a great fear of those people, but after that I was fine. Tonight I will be having dinner with my brother which I'm glad for! I love going to Carlsbad. That is one beautiful city. Somehow, some way, I am always inspired whenever I'm there. I don't know if it is the reason why I am there or if there is magic in that simple place, but either way, it is wonderous!
What put me in this mood now is my quick-to-change emotions. I suppose that my emotions only change as quickly as they do under certain circumstances. Well then, I happened across one of those circumstances that would make me less than happy. When it comes to situations such as these, I wish I still wrote poetry.
Don't get me wrong, I still love it! I love cadences, rhymes, the way words slip onto paper, off the mouth, from the soul and heart like honey. It's beautiful. I miss the feeling from the pit of my stomach as my mind swirls with kind words and naked truths as I try to describe my feels in a way that states exactly what I long to say but at the same time circles the topic, revealing everything and nothing. I wish I could still do that.
I don't remember when I stopped writing poetry. I suppose my last poem was, well...hmm, I don't know, maybe summer or fall of last year, and for me, that is a looooong time. For me, poetry comes when my emotions are at their most intense peak. When they reach that moment, when everything is out in the open is when I can truly write.
A month or so ago I tried writing a poem to see if I could still do it, but because I was slightly apathetic to it all I left it unfinished. When I re-read it I found that I had simply wrote a piece of rubbish. Stupidity. And, quite frankly, blah-ness. Even as I say that, I feel like taking it all back. What I wrote did not need to be written, for in the end I had written an almost prayer. Things that have been going through my mind for the longest time, but on paper, it was unnecessary.
Yes, I do have an absence of poetry in my life. I miss it. I hate what absence brings. At this moment, I realize that very soon I will be letting go a few other things. Absence for me is like ripping a picture in half. Say there are a group of people in the picture, and then I rip someone out, then there is only an empty space of where that person used to be. That's how it is for the things and people in my life.
I was never meant to say good-bye. I cling to those I love with all my heart, mind, and soul, but for some reason, the most cherished get taken away. At this moment in time, I don't know what to make of that. Hmmmm...
Either way, as I struggle to grow, and learn to say goodbye, I suppose, that, if I must, I will get used to this absence...
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Yesterday, Today....Tomorrow?
Past.
On Saturday I went to my friend's baby shower. She is a year older than me, and I have known her since I was about 8, I believe. Her baby is due "April 25" or something like that, but it looks like it may come sooner. She's very round! I saw old friends at her party, friends whom I have grown up with, which was a nice surprise. At first I didn't want to stay very long because I was afraid I was going to be out of place. I mean, I left the church, do I have reason to come back? One of them, a girl a year older than me, had gotten married a week ago and she is several months pregnant. She's going to have a girl and the due date is July 12. Her husband, wow it feels weird to say that, is much older than her. He's in his mid-twenties I believe. He seems nice, although he did not say much. They are both weird and they look very good together. I hope it works well for them. I saw a bunch of old faces there too, people from the church I used to go to. They were really surprised to see me and greeted me very kindly. One of the ladies came up to me and spoke to me in Spanish. I smiled at her and replied in Spanish which surprised her. A couple of years ago, although I was in Spanish class and understood much more than I do know, I was too shy to say anything because I was afraid that I would say something wrong. So what I learned that a lot of people are pregnant and I can speak Spanish fairly well. It's kind of amusing in a way. I was talking to my friend who was recently married and she asked me if I had a boyfriend and I said nope and I don't really want one. Which is true. At the present time, I don't want one. I want to focus on school and getting where I want to be. It's weird. I've always been school-oriented, but I remember that a couple years ago, when I was with them, I don't know, I was more intent on getting married. On being taken care of, of having a family. Sure, I still REALLY want that, but I want to be able to support myself until then.
While catching up with everyone I smiled and was surprised and kind of sad as I realised that time goes by so quickly. While there, haha..while there as I listened to everyone, I suddenly thought "I can't wait to go home to tell Dad about everyone!". Then I remember, Dad's not at home, I don't live there anymore, and I can't talk to him anymore, which made me sad and feel stupid for a while.
Present. Today I did childcare with the kids again. It always gives me such joy to be with those kids. We had all boys today...8 in total and they were all great. The lady who worked with today constantly told me that it was such a blessing to watch me with the kids and how I was great with them. She assumed that I was a teacher because I was great with them. I just love kids with a passion. They make me so happy. Since I've started working in the two year old room, it's been several months already, a year in May or June I believe, and I have loved watching the kids grow up.
Cobyn is SO big! He turns two in August, but he's a big boy. He's entered a really friendly stage. When a kid came in who was very shy I told him to go say hi to the kid and he did with a big smile and kindness.
Justus is new to my room, but he is the sweetest thing. He takes my finger and he doesn't let go which warms my heart. He's so kind and gentle-hearted with a ready smile. He loves basketball and loves trying until he makes a basket. Apparently when I left the class to use the restroom quickly he had the saddest face until I came back.
Armando is so cute too. He's a good kid with the biggest dimples. He's very shy at first, but goodness his smile melts my heart.
Abraham understands Spanish much more than he understands English. He really keeps my mind alert, especially because I constantly need to search my mind for the right vocabulary word. He is so energetic and loves to rough-house. Still he is very attached to me.
Ethan has recently left my room and has moved on to the three year old room, but today he decided he wanted to be in my classroom. He is sooo funny. He's my big helper. He likes to help clean up and he's very smart.
The kids are very important to me. They make me so happy. They are the best things ever.
More on "today"...I'm on spring break. I've been assigned Math and Sociology homework. Math will hurt my brain, as always, but I really don't want to give up. I need at least a C and I hope I can do it. Sociology will be a breeze, so I should get to doing that soon. I'm visiting Jaymie at APU and spending the night this week too. That should be exciting. =] Thank God for friends! And kids!
Future.
Friday, Natalie and Jon went with me to visit CSUN. I am almost positive that this is the school I want to go to. It's a beautiful campus and very large. I'm hoping that I get in. I don't know, maybe it was the day that we went, a good day with a great cool breeze, or the opportunity to be introspective, but I fell in love with the school. I didn't walk in and the school didn't "call" me, but I don't know. I am very pleased with this school.
It's so crazy to believe that I'm in college. In reality, I have 5 or 6 years of school left. I'm scared. But excited. This is a crazy ride, life. I still wish I had all the answers. I wish I was as confident as I can sometimes pretend to be. I was I was as sure as I pretend to feel.
I can only pray. I can only let go.
At the same time I realize, it is my time. Here is every chance I ever wanted. Here is the time I can make my dreams come true. Here is the time God can use my greatly, now and forever. Sometimes I feel like it is all one big dream. I'm going through life kind of dazed. Some moments are more memorable than others. Some days I'm more happy to be alive than any other days. Although I prefer to watch the world, I know that it is time again for me to join the parade. So...
Am I here?
Here I am.
On Saturday I went to my friend's baby shower. She is a year older than me, and I have known her since I was about 8, I believe. Her baby is due "April 25" or something like that, but it looks like it may come sooner. She's very round! I saw old friends at her party, friends whom I have grown up with, which was a nice surprise. At first I didn't want to stay very long because I was afraid I was going to be out of place. I mean, I left the church, do I have reason to come back? One of them, a girl a year older than me, had gotten married a week ago and she is several months pregnant. She's going to have a girl and the due date is July 12. Her husband, wow it feels weird to say that, is much older than her. He's in his mid-twenties I believe. He seems nice, although he did not say much. They are both weird and they look very good together. I hope it works well for them. I saw a bunch of old faces there too, people from the church I used to go to. They were really surprised to see me and greeted me very kindly. One of the ladies came up to me and spoke to me in Spanish. I smiled at her and replied in Spanish which surprised her. A couple of years ago, although I was in Spanish class and understood much more than I do know, I was too shy to say anything because I was afraid that I would say something wrong. So what I learned that a lot of people are pregnant and I can speak Spanish fairly well. It's kind of amusing in a way. I was talking to my friend who was recently married and she asked me if I had a boyfriend and I said nope and I don't really want one. Which is true. At the present time, I don't want one. I want to focus on school and getting where I want to be. It's weird. I've always been school-oriented, but I remember that a couple years ago, when I was with them, I don't know, I was more intent on getting married. On being taken care of, of having a family. Sure, I still REALLY want that, but I want to be able to support myself until then.
While catching up with everyone I smiled and was surprised and kind of sad as I realised that time goes by so quickly. While there, haha..while there as I listened to everyone, I suddenly thought "I can't wait to go home to tell Dad about everyone!". Then I remember, Dad's not at home, I don't live there anymore, and I can't talk to him anymore, which made me sad and feel stupid for a while.
Present. Today I did childcare with the kids again. It always gives me such joy to be with those kids. We had all boys today...8 in total and they were all great. The lady who worked with today constantly told me that it was such a blessing to watch me with the kids and how I was great with them. She assumed that I was a teacher because I was great with them. I just love kids with a passion. They make me so happy. Since I've started working in the two year old room, it's been several months already, a year in May or June I believe, and I have loved watching the kids grow up.
Cobyn is SO big! He turns two in August, but he's a big boy. He's entered a really friendly stage. When a kid came in who was very shy I told him to go say hi to the kid and he did with a big smile and kindness.
Justus is new to my room, but he is the sweetest thing. He takes my finger and he doesn't let go which warms my heart. He's so kind and gentle-hearted with a ready smile. He loves basketball and loves trying until he makes a basket. Apparently when I left the class to use the restroom quickly he had the saddest face until I came back.
Armando is so cute too. He's a good kid with the biggest dimples. He's very shy at first, but goodness his smile melts my heart.
Abraham understands Spanish much more than he understands English. He really keeps my mind alert, especially because I constantly need to search my mind for the right vocabulary word. He is so energetic and loves to rough-house. Still he is very attached to me.
Ethan has recently left my room and has moved on to the three year old room, but today he decided he wanted to be in my classroom. He is sooo funny. He's my big helper. He likes to help clean up and he's very smart.
The kids are very important to me. They make me so happy. They are the best things ever.
More on "today"...I'm on spring break. I've been assigned Math and Sociology homework. Math will hurt my brain, as always, but I really don't want to give up. I need at least a C and I hope I can do it. Sociology will be a breeze, so I should get to doing that soon. I'm visiting Jaymie at APU and spending the night this week too. That should be exciting. =] Thank God for friends! And kids!
Future.
Friday, Natalie and Jon went with me to visit CSUN. I am almost positive that this is the school I want to go to. It's a beautiful campus and very large. I'm hoping that I get in. I don't know, maybe it was the day that we went, a good day with a great cool breeze, or the opportunity to be introspective, but I fell in love with the school. I didn't walk in and the school didn't "call" me, but I don't know. I am very pleased with this school.
It's so crazy to believe that I'm in college. In reality, I have 5 or 6 years of school left. I'm scared. But excited. This is a crazy ride, life. I still wish I had all the answers. I wish I was as confident as I can sometimes pretend to be. I was I was as sure as I pretend to feel.
I can only pray. I can only let go.
At the same time I realize, it is my time. Here is every chance I ever wanted. Here is the time I can make my dreams come true. Here is the time God can use my greatly, now and forever. Sometimes I feel like it is all one big dream. I'm going through life kind of dazed. Some moments are more memorable than others. Some days I'm more happy to be alive than any other days. Although I prefer to watch the world, I know that it is time again for me to join the parade. So...
Am I here?
Here I am.
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