Mood Swings

Sometimes I wish life was kinda like "High School Musical". I mean, imagine, how interesting would it be if we all just burst into song and dance. When the going gets tough..."we're all in this together"! When we start to fall in love with someone..."we're breaking free (soaring!), flying", and when we get distracted we "gotta get our heads in the game". Not to mention sweet dance numbers to go along with that! Oh what a life that would be.

So today...happy Easter! He is risen! How fitting that there should be earthquakes in my area on the day of His Resurrection. I think that's pretty sweet. Haha...at least no one got hurt, so it's a good thing!

Today was not a good day. Mmm...yeah. Ever have those moments where you don't realize what you're doing except that you know exactly what you're doing? Does that make sense? Well it does for me, because that happened to me. I knew what I was doing, but I managed to...remove myself from the situation. I was watching, I was feeling, I was doing. But I was a spectator. I wasn't myself. I don't understand. I don't understand how I lost myself.
I miss my dad.
I miss my family.
I miss family. Sure, my brother invited me to go to his in-laws house, and even Juliet invited me to her house so I had the opportunity not to be alone. But I declined both. I easily declined to Juliet because I know that deep in my heart they aren't my family, which is hard sometimes. Sometimes I forget that I am not related to them because they are so close to me. Heck, I get invited to their family gatherings more often than I am to my own family. I don't understand! So in the end it is entirely, completely, wholly, undeniably my fault. Even so...things have been different since Dad passed. I called my sister to see if they are doing anything for Easter and they said now, and I found out they decided to go to their mother's house. I didn't get the invite. My sisters who do plan things have moved to Oregon, and I tried to plan things with the siblings that are still here, but they never went though. Maybe because I have no power, or maybe because everyone lost heart. It saddens me. I miss when we all got together at someones house or at a restaurant. I miss being part of something big. I know this loneliness is not my fault. Or maybe it is. Perhaps it is indeed my fault that my family doesn't get together anymore. It just makes me sad. When I sit there by myself I begin to think about the family I hope to have. I hope to have enough friends, I hope that I have at least two kids, and I hope that my husband has family so my kids never have to feel the loneliness. I love close, big families. That feeling of security, of knowing that there is someone there.

But, it is all up to God. I don't get a say in it. Well, not really. O.o It would be a bad time for me to get involved with anyone now or in the near future. However, whoever I do end up getting serious with, he'll have to be the patient type. I'll be bringing a lot of baggage. It's inevitable. I realize that I am depressed. It comes and goes and goes for a really long time but then it comes back. I am not looking for a savior. I have one, He's the one that keeps the blunt of the pain away when the enemy takes over my mind. I don't even know if I'm looking for the familiar. I would love the familiar because he would already know me. He would ideally know me now so he isn't surprised by my emotions. However, I don't know. All I know is that my heart is in a weird mood at the moment. Envious, fearful, annoyed, protective, and every other emotion in between for someone. Something.

I never realized how much I enjoy the spring. The colors of wildflowers are so exquisite. Through my hate-filters I was never able to appreciate the beauty of the world as I thought I did. But now I see that it is perfect. Amazing. I think I'm in love with spring. =]

My emotioooonnnnns. Those babies need to die. Speaking of babies, I love them. They seriously make me smile. They are the greatest things ever. Especially their smiles.