Yesterday, Today....Tomorrow?

Past.
On Saturday I went to my friend's baby shower. She is a year older than me, and I have known her since I was about 8, I believe. Her baby is due "April 25" or something like that, but it looks like it may come sooner. She's very round! I saw old friends at her party, friends whom I have grown up with, which was a nice surprise. At first I didn't want to stay very long because I was afraid I was going to be out of place. I mean, I left the church, do I have reason to come back? One of them, a girl a year older than me, had gotten married a week ago and she is several months pregnant. She's going to have a girl and the due date is July 12. Her husband, wow it feels weird to say that, is much older than her. He's in his mid-twenties I believe. He seems nice, although he did not say much. They are both weird and they look very good together. I hope it works well for them. I saw a bunch of old faces there too, people from the church I used to go to. They were really surprised to see me and greeted me very kindly. One of the ladies came up to me and spoke to me in Spanish. I smiled at her and replied in Spanish which surprised her. A couple of years ago, although I was in Spanish class and understood much more than I do know, I was too shy to say anything because I was afraid that I would say something wrong. So what I learned that a lot of people are pregnant and I can speak Spanish fairly well. It's kind of amusing in a way. I was talking to my friend who was recently married and she asked me if I had a boyfriend and I said nope and I don't really want one. Which is true. At the present time, I don't want one. I want to focus on school and getting where I want to be. It's weird. I've always been school-oriented, but I remember that a couple years ago, when I was with them, I don't know, I was more intent on getting married. On being taken care of, of having a family. Sure, I still REALLY want that, but I want to be able to support myself until then.
While catching up with everyone I smiled and was surprised and kind of sad as I realised that time goes by so quickly. While there, haha..while there as I listened to everyone, I suddenly thought "I can't wait to go home to tell Dad about everyone!". Then I remember, Dad's not at home, I don't live there anymore, and I can't talk to him anymore, which made me sad and feel stupid for a while.


Present. Today I did childcare with the kids again. It always gives me such joy to be with those kids. We had all boys today...8 in total and they were all great. The lady who worked with today constantly told me that it was such a blessing to watch me with the kids and how I was great with them. She assumed that I was a teacher because I was great with them. I just love kids with a passion. They make me so happy. Since I've started working in the two year old room, it's been several months already, a year in May or June I believe, and I have loved watching the kids grow up.
Cobyn is SO big! He turns two in August, but he's a big boy. He's entered a really friendly stage. When a kid came in who was very shy I told him to go say hi to the kid and he did with a big smile and kindness.
Justus is new to my room, but he is the sweetest thing. He takes my finger and he doesn't let go which warms my heart. He's so kind and gentle-hearted with a ready smile. He loves basketball and loves trying until he makes a basket. Apparently when I left the class to use the restroom quickly he had the saddest face until I came back.
Armando is so cute too. He's a good kid with the biggest dimples. He's very shy at first, but goodness his smile melts my heart.
Abraham understands Spanish much more than he understands English. He really keeps my mind alert, especially because I constantly need to search my mind for the right vocabulary word. He is so energetic and loves to rough-house. Still he is very attached to me.
Ethan has recently left my room and has moved on to the three year old room, but today he decided he wanted to be in my classroom. He is sooo funny. He's my big helper. He likes to help clean up and he's very smart.
The kids are very important to me. They make me so happy. They are the best things ever.
More on "today"...I'm on spring break. I've been assigned Math and Sociology homework. Math will hurt my brain, as always, but I really don't want to give up. I need at least a C and I hope I can do it. Sociology will be a breeze, so I should get to doing that soon. I'm visiting Jaymie at APU and spending the night this week too. That should be exciting. =] Thank God for friends! And kids!

Future.
Friday, Natalie and Jon went with me to visit CSUN. I am almost positive that this is the school I want to go to. It's a beautiful campus and very large. I'm hoping that I get in. I don't know, maybe it was the day that we went, a good day with a great cool breeze, or the opportunity to be introspective, but I fell in love with the school. I didn't walk in and the school didn't "call" me, but I don't know. I am very pleased with this school.
It's so crazy to believe that I'm in college. In reality, I have 5 or 6 years of school left. I'm scared. But excited. This is a crazy ride, life. I still wish I had all the answers. I wish I was as confident as I can sometimes pretend to be. I was I was as sure as I pretend to feel.
I can only pray. I can only let go.
At the same time I realize, it is my time. Here is every chance I ever wanted. Here is the time I can make my dreams come true. Here is the time God can use my greatly, now and forever. Sometimes I feel like it is all one big dream. I'm going through life kind of dazed. Some moments are more memorable than others. Some days I'm more happy to be alive than any other days. Although I prefer to watch the world, I know that it is time again for me to join the parade. So...

Am I here?

Here I am.