Mind Detoxification

So I decided to be nice to my brain and let loose some of the excess thoughts floating around so it can breathe. Who says I'm not good to my body?! :D Anyway, so this is pretty much a jumble of thoughts that have been floating around in my mind for some time. I wish I could write this all out in my journal, but I really don't feel like it. For me, cursive is very natural and do you know how long it would take for me to write all of this in cursive?! Gah! I don't even want to think about it! To make up for it, I get a 4 day weekend (well 3...Sundays are always very busy for me), so I'm allowed to take a little break. :)

First off, I've been thinking about missionss, curbs and parades, and time since the speaker came to our church on missions Sunday. I really enjoyed what he had to say. I think the funny thing is, apparently the mike turned off when he was speaking and it never turned back on. I wonder if anyone had trouble hearing him. Personally, I heard him loud and clear, and I think that's a God thing. =] Anyway, so he started talking about missions and such. It really got me thinking (as many other things do). I've always wanted to go on a mission...well, I wanted to be a missionary in middle school, and then after that I just had the strongest desires to see the world, to help people which is why I considered the Peace Corps for a while in sophomore year. Now, I still want to go on a mission trip. I signed up for the Mexico day-trip which I think will be a good start. As for now, all I can do is pray on it. I know that if I am to go on mission trips that are longer than a day, I'm going to need some serious humbling. I mean, I think I will be able to handle the missions, but I just need to clean my heart a bit more, if that's the term I'm going for. Now that I think about it, realized that I've been a bit selfish in my thinking. I believe that the best time for me to go on a Mission trip would be now, before I get my Master's degree, because I believe once I get my Bachelor's, after that, I won't have time to do much of anything except study for my Master's. In a way that's kind of selfish, I'm pretty much telling God "use me now or never"! I'm not trusting His time. He does things on HIS time not mine. Everything will work out in the end.

Next, school. Auuuggggh! Math is stressing me out to no end! I have a really bad grade, but I refuse to drop because I want out of Palomar as soon as possible. I'm transfering. I just need at least a C in math and I'm good. I really need help in that class though so I'm asking friends. My problem is that I hate asking friends for help. I know I have a few math-genius friends who are willing to help me, but the point is I get afraid to ask. I don't want to seem stupid. When it comes to math, I am in fact, stupid. Graphing might as well be another foreign language that I can't seem to figure out. I mean, I know I am good at other subjects. Some sjubjects I don't even have to study and I'll get an A no matter what because that's who I am....Spanish is a class that I have to study for if I want to pass, but it's no where near as difficult as math. Jaymie says she's willing to help me and I hope she can. When someone teaches me math, the best approach to teaching me that atrocious subject is to pretend they are teaching a toddler. They would reaaaaalllly need to dumb it down. =[

I plan on taking summer classes, Speech and Statistics through Sociology. So far, the classes I am interested are Monday-Thursday which is kind of annoying, but I'll take it. I get out of school at 1 so that means I'll have plenty of time for a job! Hopefully if I get a job, I will still have time for friends and fun this summer...

Still going with school....I don't even know where I want to transfer to after Palomar! I'm visiting CSUN with Jon and Natalie on the 19th and that's kind of my first choice school at the moment. After that I am considering Fullerton and also San Jose State. OF these 3 schools, none are really calling to me. I don't even think I want to go to Fullerton...I don't even know why I am considering it. I think I really wanted to go there for a little while, but now I feel apathetic to it. I kinda wish I had a "dream" school, like Jaymie is with Azusa, like Jakob is with NYU, and like Sandra (in my Philosophy) class is with Fullerton. Somehow if I had that, maybe the choice would be easier. I still know what I want to do, Social Work, but where I'm getting it is still a mystery. I start applying in October which I would like to think is very far away, but in reality, it isn't. *sigh*. Again, trusting God with life!

I've gained more weight. =[ Bah. No bueno. It is because I'm not moving around as much as I usually do...not that I was a gym rat in the past. I did dance and that kept me a stable weight if anything. Now that I'm not doing much the pounds are packing on. Gah, I really need to start walking or doing some other form of excercise. Anything that keeps me moving and on the go! I try to make my mind take light of the weight gain situation, but I just can't. I hate knowing that I'm getting fatter. It scares me. It scares me in shallow ways as well as deeper ways. My mind wants to automatically go back to no eating until the scale says I'm 5 pounds less, but I know that's not good because I won't stop at 5 pounds. To this day I know that something in me internally is..."broken". I threw something off whack with my whole "no food" thing, and for that I will pay for a very long time. Goodness. =[

Also, I've been thinking about personality. It is said that once a person reaches some time in their 20's their personality pretty much doesn't change. I wonder if that's true. To some extent I know it is. I wonder if I will change. I still think I have room to mature, but right now, I don't know. I hope I mature, I don't like the idea of staying with my mentality forever. If I can change myself, I hope I can gain back the maturity I was known for. I would like to stay child-like in a way that means I will always be a learner and that I won't have "prejudice filters". I want to see people for who they really are, regardless of shape, size, color, religion, gender, whatever. I don't want to judge. I'm getting more into the arts and I hope that's something that continues to grow. I hope my love for beauty in the natural world continues to grow. I hope that I will always be flexible. I hope my gentleness can extend to everyone instead of stretching to just children and the person I'm sweet on at the time. I hope my love never ceases. I hope that I can simply impersonate a butterfly...beauty, gentle....God's beautiful creation.

I have a story idea floating in my mind, but I don't know what to do with it. It's a magical realism/fantasy idea. It's based on Plato's theory of the soul. Also, this is a real story I think, not a short story that will sustain me for a while. I hope to go somewhere with this!


Well, my brain feels a bit lighter! It feels really nice to get all these thoughts out on.....inter-space? I know that in a few minutes they'll all come back though...oh well...at least I'm free for now! :DD

"Crusader" by Edward Bloor. A Bookreview.

When reading Crusader, I read it when a different though in mind. I read from a sociological/psychological point of view. In this book, Roberta Ritter, a shy and plain girl, deals with hate crimes in the mall she works at (her family's vitrual reality arcade) as well as deals with her mother's unsolved murder that took place 7 years ago.

While reading this novel I tried to understand everyone's perspective in this book. I tried to understand why Kristin felt the need to be a terrible person to the boys. Why Roberta seemed emotionless at times, and countless other "whys" that the characters and situations showed.

Crusader was a decent book to read. It is qute lengthy and it is a story that has a realistic theme.

Recommended for those who have time.

"Wish You Well" by David Baldacci. A Bookreview.

Wish You Well was given to me by a friend for Christmas, and I have just now finished it, after reading it for a week or less. When I first god this book I judged it by the inside flap; I didn't think it looked very interesting. After reading a few books since Christmas and remembering I promised myself I would read this novel, I quickly fell in love with it.

This novel by David Baldacci has indeed become one of my favorites. It is sooo good. It is a story that takes me in Virginia in the mountainous region in the 1940's. After a car-crash leaves Lou and Oz without a father and a mother who is in a coma, brother and sister go to live their life with their great-grandmother in the land where their father grew up but never returned to. Here is where the children do their most growing and meet friends and foes that captivate readers from start to finish.

The characters in Wish You Well are beautiful and very believable. They are "real" in a sense that they aren't indestructible nor emotionless. They are your average, but extraordinary characters that one can imagine having a conversation with or passing in the street. With beautiful child-like faith and dialogue that greatly augmented to the characters of the book. Baldacci also used the right amount of imagery to allow his readers to easily imagine life on these mountains as we follow Lou and Oz on their adventure.

What I really enjoyed about this book is the ending. I don't want to give too much away, but I think it ended perfectly. Almost how life would end, but there are fictional moments in it.

I would recommend this book to someone who's looking for something to read that is not a love story for once, for people who love coming of age tales, and for those that love stories that warm the heart. :]

C'est La Vie

Today was very unproductive for me. If anything, I did some laundry, so that has to count for something, right? That means I stepped foot outside! Well no, it doesn't count and yes I am very ashamed for not going outside and moving around. Baaaah, I fail. Tomorrow is dedicated to homework. I think I will do Spanish homework fist, just to get those 9 pages (so gross!) out of the way. Then I will do mymath homework and then I will check blackboard to see if I have homework in my other classes. If I do, I'll do that. Then after that I will read the Spanish story, answer the questions, study math, and hopefully read. :DD Yay, here's hoping that I actually get that done! :DD

Today I looked through the movie on mem.com about my papa. It is just a slide show of a few pictures with him in them and the family. Some really old from his Marine Corps days, and others that were taken in the last couple of years of his life. I noticed that my sister had added more pictures to the movie. Just seeing all the pictures and thinking through the years, I started to cry.

I can't remember the last time I legitamately cried because my heart or something was hurting. Even crying over a guy or something. I can't remember the last time tears actually spilled. Hmm, odd. Usually I am pretty sensitive, I could cry over the smallest things, but I guess that's not happening now.

That's weird though. I didn't notice when that happened. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I suppose it is a good thing that I stopped crying, but I don't want to be desensitized to life.

Hmmm. C'est la vie.

"Envy" by Anna Godberson. A bookreview.

Yesterday I finished the third book in one of my favorite series: "The Luxe" series. Altogether it takes place in 1899-1901 and it follows the story of high society teens and the scandals and rumours that surround them. After finishing Envy, I did indeed find myself quite envious. Sometimes I think it would be really fun to travel back to this time frame and live this life....

Anyway, in the third installment of Godberson's series, the dreama continues between Henry, Diana, and Penelope, and something shocking happens to each of them which completely change thier lives. I can't wait until I read the fourth and final book Splendor!

So far, I think my favorite characters are either of the Holland sisters (Elizabeth because she tries to be good to all and puts her family first and Diana because she is a free-spirit is is, above all else, true to herself), and Teddy Cutting because he is the only true gentleman in the novel that has been described so far.

I really enjoy Godberson's imagery of places, dresses, and situations. I find it so fascinating and interesting that I just can't stop reading until the book is completely finished. I would definitely recommend this book! :DD

Just Watch My Wildest Dreams Come True...

....not one of them involving you.

You. This is probably long overdue, over-done, over-stated, over-thought, over-everything, but I'm going to say it one more time and mean it with all that I am to the best of my ability. I want you to watch every dream I have come true. I want you to see that I chose good, and you. Well, I don't know what to say. You chose hatred and anger. I can say that I am truly sorry for the trials in life you have faced and will still face, especially since you live too deeply into things that may or may not last (mostly the latter) in your opinion. I am sorry I could not prove that wrong. But there is a reason things went the way they did. Now it is time to let your ghost rest in peace. It is now time to give up the nostalgia that's been holding me back and finally move on. You taught me a lot. You became a heavy influence on what I believe when it comes to true friendship and real love. So here's to letting go of the past that haunted many things in "my" today. I can only hope that you have a great life. That eventually you stop living for yourself and you see that there is something--someone bigger out there. And like our song went, "when one door opens to another door closed, I hope you keep on going until you find the window". Good luck.


And to you. Mostly to you. This is probably the hardest part. Letting go of...this feeling that I've kept for so long. I don't quite know exactly how I'm going to do it, when it's going to really happen, or how it will work. I do know that it needs to end. My dreams need to come true...without you. I suppose my dream can still be what I desired if I had you, but they cannot be you anymore. That limits me, stunts me, makes me a spiritual, emotional, social, atrophy. I still want to be around you. I'll still be around you because that's what I'll do as a friend. I can't do this jealousy anymore. I can't do this sadness anymore. Somehow, if my dreams are supposed to include you then I don't know there is so much pain behind it. So for now, I want you to watch my wildest dreams come true, not one of them involving you (it's so hard to stand by this conviction because my heart is still screaming that maybe God wants you, but baaah! This only makes me much more detmermined)...


Good luck. God bless. I love you.

Dear Serena Robles, below are your Personality Tests result:
Who is your true self: You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

Your view on yourself:
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You are down-to-earth
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : People like you because you are so straightforward
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking:
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You are a true romantic
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : When you are in love
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You will do anything
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Everything to keep your love true
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person
The seriousness of your love:
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : So you will find yourself with plenty of dates
Your views on education:
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Education is very important in life
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You want to study hard
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Learn as much as you can
The right job for you:
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You're a practical person
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Will choose a secure job with a steady income
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Knowing what you like to do is important
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Find a regular job doing just that
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You'll be set for life
How do you view success:
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You are afraid of failure
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous
What are you most afraid of:
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You are concerned about your image
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : The way others see you
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : It's time for you to believe in who you are
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Not what you wear