Books Galore!

"Love the One You're With" by Emily Giffin. A Book Review.

2010-04-18T15:24:00.000-07:00

"Love the One You're With" is definitely a sterotypical book that is full of fluff, humor, and love. A book you'd expect to read in the summer at the beach. I'm not saying that's a bad thing though! I thuroughly enjoyed this book. I was frustrated with Ellen, I loved Andy, and Margot became my favorite person in the book.

Though between all the fluff and girly stuff there is a bit of universal truth in the book. Enough truth to make me think that this book is not necessarily a favorite, but a book I would recommend it to many.

"Where the Heart Is" by Bille Letts. A Book Review.

2010-04-08T15:50:00.000-07:00

It was almost a year ago when I watched the movie "Where the Heart Is". I was at someone's house with a bunch of other girl friends and we all decided on that movie. I really enjoyed the movie. It was cute and heart-warming. Somewhere in the middle of the movie a friend informed me that there was a book. Me being the book-worm I am set out to buy it. Eventually I did. Today just before Philosophy class, with minutes to spare, I finished this beautiful story.

Novalee is a 17 year old girl, seven months pregnant, on on the road to California with the baby's father, Willy Jack. Novalee has an extreme fear of the number 7 because for her it's nothing but bad luck. Willy Jack leaves leaves her stranded somewhere in Oklahoma at a Wal-Mart where she lives until her baby is born. The novel follows her life as she meets interesting people, old Sister Husband, the Indian Benny Goodluck, the black photograghper Moses Whitecotton, a hispital aide Lexie, and the wacky librarian Forney Hull; these characters along with a handful of others teach Novalee the most important lesson there is to learn yet.

I would be lying to you if I said this was not a love story. Because in a way, it is. It is a story about a girl who is down on her luck and the people in the life she makes in Oklahoma continue to love on her, and her baby, something she was not completely used to. So yes, it is a love story in that way, and in another way.

Novalee Nation is an interesting girl. If I were to describe her I would say she is very sweet and hard-working, and just a simple girl trying to make a good life for her and her baby. She wants nothing more than a "home without wheels".

I suppose in my own way I can relate to this girl, this "Novalee Nation". No, my boyfriend did not leave me 7 months pregnant at a Wal-mart in the middle of no where. I can relate to this protagonist just by her virtues. Novalee didn't have much growing up, but after her baby was born she worked hard to keep a good life, doing everything for her baby.

I can relate to her in that way because in her honest hard-work I see myself, trying to do the best I can for family with the encouragement of electic friends along the way who love on me more than I can really love myself sometimes.

It's a beautiful story and I highly recommend it. =]

"The Morning Gift" by Eva Ibbotson. A Book review.

2010-04-05T18:24:00.001-07:00

I love books that take place in a different time period. Well, futuristic books, not so much, but books that take place in a time that was much different from the one I live in. I always find those the most interesting, even under the circumstances of the character's world.

The Morning Gift is a story about Ruth Berger who is stuck in Vienna during the time Hitler and his Nazis storm into the country. Her family, being partially Jewish has fled to London for safety. However, the plan on her part had gone terribly wrong. Her entire family and her fiancee was able to leave Vienna safely, but she was left behind. While she thought there was no hope and a dull future of a concentration camp, her father's old student, British, Quin Sommerville pretty much comes to the rescue. They get married in order to get her out safely and plan on annulling the marriage as soon as they get to England. However, the divorce seems a bit more difficult than they both imagined it would be.

I really enjoyed this book. I enjoyed the imagery, as well as they way it was written. This book was written in the 1980's, but it still has a "old" feel to it. Not quite Jane Austen or Emily Bronte material, but old enough to be very different from the books today. This book for once doesn't involve vampires or werewolves or other mythical creatures like that! Yes!

I would recommend this book for anyone who likes historical fiction, imagery, and a little humor and romance. =]

Mood Swings

2010-04-04T20:26:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wish life was kinda like "High School Musical". I mean, imagine, how interesting would it be if we all just burst into song and dance. When the going gets tough..."we're all in this together"! When we start to fall in love with someone..."we're breaking free (soaring!), flying", and when we get distracted we "gotta get our heads in the game". Not to mention sweet dance numbers to go along with that! Oh what a life that would be.

So today...happy Easter! He is risen! How fitting that there should be earthquakes in my area on the day of His Resurrection. I think that's pretty sweet. Haha...at least no one got hurt, so it's a good thing!

Today was not a good day. Mmm...yeah. Ever have those moments where you don't realize what you're doing except that you know exactly what you're doing? Does that make sense? Well it does for me, because that happened to me. I knew what I was doing, but I managed to...remove myself from the situation. I was watching, I was feeling, I was doing. But I was a spectator. I wasn't myself. I don't understand. I don't understand how I lost myself.
I miss my dad.
I miss my family.
I miss family. Sure, my brother invited me to go to his in-laws house, and even Juliet invited me to her house so I had the opportunity not to be alone. But I declined both. I easily declined to Juliet because I know that deep in my heart they aren't my family, which is hard sometimes. Sometimes I forget that I am not related to them because they are so close to me. Heck, I get invited to their family gatherings more often than I am to my own family. I don't understand! So in the end it is entirely, completely, wholly, undeniably my fault. Even so...things have been different since Dad passed. I called my sister to see if they are doing anything for Easter and they said now, and I found out they decided to go to their mother's house. I didn't get the invite. My sisters who do plan things have moved to Oregon, and I tried to plan things with the siblings that are still here, but they never went though. Maybe because I have no power, or maybe because everyone lost heart. It saddens me. I miss when we all got together at someones house or at a restaurant. I miss being part of something big. I know this loneliness is not my fault. Or maybe it is. Perhaps it is indeed my fault that my family doesn't get together anymore. It just makes me sad. When I sit there by myself I begin to think about the family I hope to have. I hope to have enough friends, I hope that I have at least two kids, and I hope that my husband has family so my kids never have to feel the loneliness. I love close, big families. That feeling of security, of knowing that there is someone there.

But, it is all up to God. I don't get a say in it. Well, not really. O.o It would be a bad time for me to get involved with anyone now or in the near future. However, whoever I do end up getting serious with, he'll have to be the patient type. I'll be bringing a lot of baggage. It's inevitable. I realize that I am depressed. It comes and goes and goes for a really long time but then it comes back. I am not looking for a savior. I have one, He's the one that keeps the blunt of the pain away when the enemy takes over my mind. I don't even know if I'm looking for the familiar. I would love the familiar because he would already know me. He would ideally know me now so he isn't surprised by my emotions. However, I don't know. All I know is that my heart is in a weird mood at the moment. Envious, fearful, annoyed, protective, and every other emotion in between for someone. Something.

I never realized how much I enjoy the spring. The colors of wildflowers are so exquisite. Through my hate-filters I was never able to appreciate the beauty of the world as I thought I did. But now I see that it is perfect. Amazing. I think I'm in love with spring. =]

My emotioooonnnnns. Those babies need to die. Speaking of babies, I love them. They seriously make me smile. They are the greatest things ever. Especially their smiles.

Quotes.

2010-03-31T17:35:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was Bible study with the older community group kids and that was much more fun that usual. Kaylee turned 11, and she knows that her maiko/minion-ship is soon to start. The kids were also treated with a very special guest last night. -_____-

But anyway, the lesson was on joy/happiness, showing happiness and joy as means of worshipping God, and all through the night, the kids (and me!) said the cutest things..I think this is why I love kids:

"Joy is when you climb through someone's window and sleep in their house!"

"See look, I'm crossing my legs! I'm really meditating!"

"Be a good boy Kyle. Go to church, love God. Respect women, and they'll respect you too....and give you chocolate!"

"Kissing and romance makes Serena joyful!"

"-...Really?
-Yes! Can I please write "Kaylee is your minion" on your glasses?!
-fine.."

-"I made a baby cry with a puppet."
-"Did the baby pee on you then too?"

-"Secrets don't make friends!
-So?"

"Shhh! We have to be quiet they're about to kiss! Serena wants to watch this part!"

"Serena, have you kissed a boy?"

"Okay kids, listen up. Boys are gross in jr. high and in high school, and in college.
-Yes, they're mostly gross until they're 25 or so, and then after that, they've matured.
-Don't kiss boys! Or girls, in your case, Kyle!"

-"No one should have to call someone 'Master'.
-Unless your name is Toby...>_>"

-"We're all in this together...*trail off*
-Wow Serena, I don't think I've ever heard you sing on free will.."

"Serena! How could you abandon me?! I'm supposed to be your minion!"

"Girls are gross."

"Boys are gross...except for my brother."

"Be as silent as a mouse.
-That's actually not very quiet, they make a lot of noise.
-Fine. In that case, be as silent as a ninja.
-But that's impossible!"

Kids...

:]

<3

"The Crow" by Alison Croggon. A Book review.

2010-03-29T17:30:00.000-07:00

I love fantasy novels. I was very young when I first read Harry Potter, and I just went from there! There's just something special about fantasy novels that really take me away. Perhaps it is because they test the theory of reality, of what is, and what isn't. Magic can be all around us if we only take the time to look and listen.

"The Crow" by Alison Croggon is the third book in the Pellinor series. This book follows Hem and Saliman instead of Maerad and Cadvan, just like in the last two books. In this book, Hem meets an orphan girl named Zelika who has the fiercest temper, and he also befriends a white crow which he names Irc. In this book Hem finds that he has an important role to play in the destruction of the evil "Nameless One".

This book was well written. I enjoy the way Croggon writes as though she is re-writting history. There is a lot of explanation and a lot of background information so I never get lost when reading. Hem is such an adorable boy-character. However, for a boy, I do believe he is too soft. Then again, he is only around the age of 13, so that is allowed. It is interesting to see his view of things instead of just Maerad.

I think I would recommend this series to those who love fantasy and adventure. =]

These Are a Few of My Favorite Things

2010-03-23T22:41:00.000-07:00

So my last couple of posts have been so...hate-filled and depressing and all those other horrendous negative emotions. For that I apologize. Well I just recently read this article on Yahoo! which is called "101 everyday things that make people happy", or something like that. As I was reading the list I started to smile when I realized I could fully agree with some of them. I like to think that I find joy in the smallest and biggest things in life. Because I could not agree with everything on that list I've decided to make my own list and see how many things I find beautiful and how many things that bring me joy.....

P.s. These are in no particular order. Except number one. (:

1. God (bahaha, the list should end after that...)
2. Colors
3. Bare feet
4. Rain
5. A cool breeze
6. Hearing a favorite song on the radio
7. Owl City
8. Writing a story
9. Reading a book that I get completely lost in
10. Getting an A in class
11. Singing to a favorite song
12. Dancing
13. Romance
14. Finding a good quote
15. Hugs
16. Old memories
17. Children
18. Success
19. Knowing I made someone happy
20. Being good to others
21. Love
22. Guitars
23. Pianos
24. Seeing old friends
25. Making new friends
26. Getting a math problem right
27. Coloring in a coloring book
28. Disney movies
29. Harry Potter
30. Waking up from a really good dream that actually got to finish
31. Old photographs
32. Writing in cursive
33. Blank pages in an unused diary or journal
34. Breath-taking photography
35. Being needed
36. Flowers
37. Butterflies
38. Watching someone do a random act of kindness for strangers
39. Guys that are really good with kids
40. Chivalry
41. Good food
42. Summer days
43. The beach
44. Sunset
45. Meaningful late-night conversations
46. Best friends
47. All friends
48. Bubbles
49. Seeing the scale numbers go down
50. Being productive
51. Finding "the perfect" thing...whatever that may be
52. Cool nights
53. Stars
54. Good movies
55. Warm blankets
56. Penguins
57. Pandas
58. Narwhals
59. Laughing so hard it hurts
60. Stretching after a long drive
61. Family
62. Happy Endings (real and fictional)
63. Miracles
64. Cute words ("flippy floppies!")
65. Cool shade on a hot day
66. Great naps
67. Sleep
68. Getting a hand-written letter in the mail
69. Receiving a package in the mail
70. Accents
71. Adventures to new places
72. Music that moves the soul
73. The kindness of others
75. Carne asada fries
76. Warm soup on a cold day
77. Warm and crispy bread
78. Philosophy
79. Smiles
80. Big purses
81. Good smelling hair
82. Compliments
83. Cultural things
84. Learning something new
85. Beautiful dresses
86. Musicals
87. Seeing plays
88. Books on sale
89. Free things

Well, that's my list so far. I know there's more that makes me smile, but I can't think of anything else! :D

And now I don't feel so bad!!!

My Funny Heart

2010-03-22T23:50:00.000-07:00

Despite it all, I still feel kinda down. Why should I? I mean...haha, I guess I get over-emotional sometimes, and it involves friendship. So I have a right to be emotional?

Well, whatever, either way I will be. I like to believe that I can be strong. I like to believe that things can't hurt me as much as they should. So, can I be strong in this moment where it is most needed? In a time where I can lose a friend who I love dearly as a brother? But it hurts. Here I am listening to a break up song when it's not necessary. But it is a good song. "Curtains Closing" by Rhianna...or it's called something like that. I like the lines that go "But you've put on quite a show, really had me going..." and there's more that I like, but at the moment, I don't feel like typing it out because my emotional distraught level just..sky-rocketed? That just means I'm more jittery and more annoyed than I was a few moments ago. I think it's funny. Nothing is as it seems. We what we long to see. We feel what we want to feel and to hell with the rest, right? Well, that was stupid of me. A fatal mistake. I'm only more so annoyed because I KNOW you got my message, but you're not going to respond to me. You'll just ignore it, and next time I see you, you won't acknowledge it. Things will still go on as they are right now. Well, that just sucks. You know what? I miss you, okay? I miss best guy friend #2. I miss the hours we spent laughing at stupidity. I miss the arguements. [Haha, I just realized how well the song, well, certain lines, fit you so well! You deserve a standing ovation for your show!] I miss the moments that you helped me get through stupid things like my shyness, and my inablity to be assertive. I miss that time at the beach where we stared at the water and talked about the future. I miss the times we watched those kids. I miss the times where we got along so well that it seemed too good to be true. Haha. I am a prophet, huh? I miss being the first people you told stuff to. I miss who I thought you were. What I don't understand is why do I get the act? Why don't I deserve the real you? Am I too much of a simpleton for you? Does it embarrass you to have a friend like me? Imperfect compared to all the other people that you are "close" to. Those who are always ready to look good whatever the time. Now I know I'm just going insane and crying over nothing, but at the moment, there is no worse pain that knowing you're losing a friend. I wish I could ignore you for as long as I plan to, but I know. I know you're going to disarm me with a smile. You're going to hug me. I'm going to break. Hmm, maybe that's why you don't like me that much. Right? *deep breath* Okay. "No one can make me feel inferior without my consent". That includes you. Well, if anything new comes out of this, I'm going to hold my head higher. I can see, now that I'll always have a better heart than you. I'll always give someone the honesty they deserve. I will never break someone's heart with lies. I will appear to be the person I truly am, be they friend, stranger, or foe. So friend, the curtain's closing on you, but opening for me, and instead of a play, I'm sharing my autobiography.

The Absence

2010-03-22T15:52:00.000-07:00

It is such a nice day. The sun is out, but it's not very hot, which is good! There is the slightest breeze which makes it better. It's nice spring weather. Good enough to abandon sneakers for flip flops, but still cool enough to keep a warm jacket on.

It started off as a decent day. I went to the dentist which I hate. I have a great fear of those people, but after that I was fine. Tonight I will be having dinner with my brother which I'm glad for! I love going to Carlsbad. That is one beautiful city. Somehow, some way, I am always inspired whenever I'm there. I don't know if it is the reason why I am there or if there is magic in that simple place, but either way, it is wonderous!

What put me in this mood now is my quick-to-change emotions. I suppose that my emotions only change as quickly as they do under certain circumstances. Well then, I happened across one of those circumstances that would make me less than happy. When it comes to situations such as these, I wish I still wrote poetry.

Don't get me wrong, I still love it! I love cadences, rhymes, the way words slip onto paper, off the mouth, from the soul and heart like honey. It's beautiful. I miss the feeling from the pit of my stomach as my mind swirls with kind words and naked truths as I try to describe my feels in a way that states exactly what I long to say but at the same time circles the topic, revealing everything and nothing. I wish I could still do that.

I don't remember when I stopped writing poetry. I suppose my last poem was, well...hmm, I don't know, maybe summer or fall of last year, and for me, that is a looooong time. For me, poetry comes when my emotions are at their most intense peak. When they reach that moment, when everything is out in the open is when I can truly write.

A month or so ago I tried writing a poem to see if I could still do it, but because I was slightly apathetic to it all I left it unfinished. When I re-read it I found that I had simply wrote a piece of rubbish. Stupidity. And, quite frankly, blah-ness. Even as I say that, I feel like taking it all back. What I wrote did not need to be written, for in the end I had written an almost prayer. Things that have been going through my mind for the longest time, but on paper, it was unnecessary.

Yes, I do have an absence of poetry in my life. I miss it. I hate what absence brings. At this moment, I realize that very soon I will be letting go a few other things. Absence for me is like ripping a picture in half. Say there are a group of people in the picture, and then I rip someone out, then there is only an empty space of where that person used to be. That's how it is for the things and people in my life.

I was never meant to say good-bye. I cling to those I love with all my heart, mind, and soul, but for some reason, the most cherished get taken away. At this moment in time, I don't know what to make of that. Hmmmm...

Either way, as I struggle to grow, and learn to say goodbye, I suppose, that, if I must, I will get used to this absence...

Yesterday, Today....Tomorrow?

2010-03-21T21:19:00.000-07:00

Past.
On Saturday I went to my friend's baby shower. She is a year older than me, and I have known her since I was about 8, I believe. Her baby is due "April 25" or something like that, but it looks like it may come sooner. She's very round! I saw old friends at her party, friends whom I have grown up with, which was a nice surprise. At first I didn't want to stay very long because I was afraid I was going to be out of place. I mean, I left the church, do I have reason to come back? One of them, a girl a year older than me, had gotten married a week ago and she is several months pregnant. She's going to have a girl and the due date is July 12. Her husband, wow it feels weird to say that, is much older than her. He's in his mid-twenties I believe. He seems nice, although he did not say much. They are both weird and they look very good together. I hope it works well for them. I saw a bunch of old faces there too, people from the church I used to go to. They were really surprised to see me and greeted me very kindly. One of the ladies came up to me and spoke to me in Spanish. I smiled at her and replied in Spanish which surprised her. A couple of years ago, although I was in Spanish class and understood much more than I do know, I was too shy to say anything because I was afraid that I would say something wrong. So what I learned that a lot of people are pregnant and I can speak Spanish fairly well. It's kind of amusing in a way. I was talking to my friend who was recently married and she asked me if I had a boyfriend and I said nope and I don't really want one. Which is true. At the present time, I don't want one. I want to focus on school and getting where I want to be. It's weird. I've always been school-oriented, but I remember that a couple years ago, when I was with them, I don't know, I was more intent on getting married. On being taken care of, of having a family. Sure, I still REALLY want that, but I want to be able to support myself until then.
While catching up with everyone I smiled and was surprised and kind of sad as I realised that time goes by so quickly. While there, haha..while there as I listened to everyone, I suddenly thought "I can't wait to go home to tell Dad about everyone!". Then I remember, Dad's not at home, I don't live there anymore, and I can't talk to him anymore, which made me sad and feel stupid for a while.

Present. Today I did childcare with the kids again. It always gives me such joy to be with those kids. We had all boys today...8 in total and they were all great. The lady who worked with today constantly told me that it was such a blessing to watch me with the kids and how I was great with them. She assumed that I was a teacher because I was great with them. I just love kids with a passion. They make me so happy. Since I've started working in the two year old room, it's been several months already, a year in May or June I believe, and I have loved watching the kids grow up.
Cobyn is SO big! He turns two in August, but he's a big boy. He's entered a really friendly stage. When a kid came in who was very shy I told him to go say hi to the kid and he did with a big smile and kindness.
Justus is new to my room, but he is the sweetest thing. He takes my finger and he doesn't let go which warms my heart. He's so kind and gentle-hearted with a ready smile. He loves basketball and loves trying until he makes a basket. Apparently when I left the class to use the restroom quickly he had the saddest face until I came back.
Armando is so cute too. He's a good kid with the biggest dimples. He's very shy at first, but goodness his smile melts my heart.
Abraham understands Spanish much more than he understands English. He really keeps my mind alert, especially because I constantly need to search my mind for the right vocabulary word. He is so energetic and loves to rough-house. Still he is very attached to me.
Ethan has recently left my room and has moved on to the three year old room, but today he decided he wanted to be in my classroom. He is sooo funny. He's my big helper. He likes to help clean up and he's very smart.
The kids are very important to me. They make me so happy. They are the best things ever.
More on "today"...I'm on spring break. I've been assigned Math and Sociology homework. Math will hurt my brain, as always, but I really don't want to give up. I need at least a C and I hope I can do it. Sociology will be a breeze, so I should get to doing that soon. I'm visiting Jaymie at APU and spending the night this week too. That should be exciting. =] Thank God for friends! And kids!

Future.
Friday, Natalie and Jon went with me to visit CSUN. I am almost positive that this is the school I want to go to. It's a beautiful campus and very large. I'm hoping that I get in. I don't know, maybe it was the day that we went, a good day with a great cool breeze, or the opportunity to be introspective, but I fell in love with the school. I didn't walk in and the school didn't "call" me, but I don't know. I am very pleased with this school.
It's so crazy to believe that I'm in college. In reality, I have 5 or 6 years of school left. I'm scared. But excited. This is a crazy ride, life. I still wish I had all the answers. I wish I was as confident as I can sometimes pretend to be. I was I was as sure as I pretend to feel.
I can only pray. I can only let go.
At the same time I realize, it is my time. Here is every chance I ever wanted. Here is the time I can make my dreams come true. Here is the time God can use my greatly, now and forever. Sometimes I feel like it is all one big dream. I'm going through life kind of dazed. Some moments are more memorable than others. Some days I'm more happy to be alive than any other days. Although I prefer to watch the world, I know that it is time again for me to join the parade. So...

Am I here?

Here I am.

If I were a boy...

2010-03-18T19:53:00.000-07:00

Well I just got finished writing my new short story Too Good to be true. It is from a boy's, Hadrien's, point of view. At this point in time, I don't know how I like the story. I think I like the ending, but I don't know if my thoughts and ideas were as clear as I wanted them to be. I also know that I need to majorly edit the story that I've printed out (in green ink!). On paper I see things better than on the computer. Also, I started off writing in one tense and ended in another so I need to change that. I think I'm going for past tense.

If I were a boy, or if a boy were to read this, I wonder what they would think. I mean, I try to get into the character's role, my characters' role especially, and try to "be them". I try to be who I made, think how they would think, and then write what I think they would do. I noticed that when I write boy characters they are horribly flawed or they are very unemotional or too emotional. I don't know why. Maybe it's because when I give the guys their flaws, I can relate to them somehow which makes it easier for me to write...I should try to break that habit.

So, I think, if I were a boy....I would be horribly offended by myself for thinking boys thought like this..alas...I am simply a girl...

oh well. Off to watch "Son in law"! It was filmed at CSUN so that's fuuunnn....=DD

Mind Detoxification

2010-03-10T18:25:00.000-08:00

So I decided to be nice to my brain and let loose some of the excess thoughts floating around so it can breathe. Who says I'm not good to my body?! :D Anyway, so this is pretty much a jumble of thoughts that have been floating around in my mind for some time. I wish I could write this all out in my journal, but I really don't feel like it. For me, cursive is very natural and do you know how long it would take for me to write all of this in cursive?! Gah! I don't even want to think about it! To make up for it, I get a 4 day weekend (well 3...Sundays are always very busy for me), so I'm allowed to take a little break. :)

First off, I've been thinking about missionss, curbs and parades, and time since the speaker came to our church on missions Sunday. I really enjoyed what he had to say. I think the funny thing is, apparently the mike turned off when he was speaking and it never turned back on. I wonder if anyone had trouble hearing him. Personally, I heard him loud and clear, and I think that's a God thing. =] Anyway, so he started talking about missions and such. It really got me thinking (as many other things do). I've always wanted to go on a mission...well, I wanted to be a missionary in middle school, and then after that I just had the strongest desires to see the world, to help people which is why I considered the Peace Corps for a while in sophomore year. Now, I still want to go on a mission trip. I signed up for the Mexico day-trip which I think will be a good start. As for now, all I can do is pray on it. I know that if I am to go on mission trips that are longer than a day, I'm going to need some serious humbling. I mean, I think I will be able to handle the missions, but I just need to clean my heart a bit more, if that's the term I'm going for. Now that I think about it, realized that I've been a bit selfish in my thinking. I believe that the best time for me to go on a Mission trip would be now, before I get my Master's degree, because I believe once I get my Bachelor's, after that, I won't have time to do much of anything except study for my Master's. In a way that's kind of selfish, I'm pretty much telling God "use me now or never"! I'm not trusting His time. He does things on HIS time not mine. Everything will work out in the end.

Next, school. Auuuggggh! Math is stressing me out to no end! I have a really bad grade, but I refuse to drop because I want out of Palomar as soon as possible. I'm transfering. I just need at least a C in math and I'm good. I really need help in that class though so I'm asking friends. My problem is that I hate asking friends for help. I know I have a few math-genius friends who are willing to help me, but the point is I get afraid to ask. I don't want to seem stupid. When it comes to math, I am in fact, stupid. Graphing might as well be another foreign language that I can't seem to figure out. I mean, I know I am good at other subjects. Some sjubjects I don't even have to study and I'll get an A no matter what because that's who I am....Spanish is a class that I have to study for if I want to pass, but it's no where near as difficult as math. Jaymie says she's willing to help me and I hope she can. When someone teaches me math, the best approach to teaching me that atrocious subject is to pretend they are teaching a toddler. They would reaaaaalllly need to dumb it down. =[

I plan on taking summer classes, Speech and Statistics through Sociology. So far, the classes I am interested are Monday-Thursday which is kind of annoying, but I'll take it. I get out of school at 1 so that means I'll have plenty of time for a job! Hopefully if I get a job, I will still have time for friends and fun this summer...

Still going with school....I don't even know where I want to transfer to after Palomar! I'm visiting CSUN with Jon and Natalie on the 19th and that's kind of my first choice school at the moment. After that I am considering Fullerton and also San Jose State. OF these 3 schools, none are really calling to me. I don't even think I want to go to Fullerton...I don't even know why I am considering it. I think I really wanted to go there for a little while, but now I feel apathetic to it. I kinda wish I had a "dream" school, like Jaymie is with Azusa, like Jakob is with NYU, and like Sandra (in my Philosophy) class is with Fullerton. Somehow if I had that, maybe the choice would be easier. I still know what I want to do, Social Work, but where I'm getting it is still a mystery. I start applying in October which I would like to think is very far away, but in reality, it isn't. *sigh*. Again, trusting God with life!

I've gained more weight. =[ Bah. No bueno. It is because I'm not moving around as much as I usually do...not that I was a gym rat in the past. I did dance and that kept me a stable weight if anything. Now that I'm not doing much the pounds are packing on. Gah, I really need to start walking or doing some other form of excercise. Anything that keeps me moving and on the go! I try to make my mind take light of the weight gain situation, but I just can't. I hate knowing that I'm getting fatter. It scares me. It scares me in shallow ways as well as deeper ways. My mind wants to automatically go back to no eating until the scale says I'm 5 pounds less, but I know that's not good because I won't stop at 5 pounds. To this day I know that something in me internally is..."broken". I threw something off whack with my whole "no food" thing, and for that I will pay for a very long time. Goodness. =[

Also, I've been thinking about personality. It is said that once a person reaches some time in their 20's their personality pretty much doesn't change. I wonder if that's true. To some extent I know it is. I wonder if I will change. I still think I have room to mature, but right now, I don't know. I hope I mature, I don't like the idea of staying with my mentality forever. If I can change myself, I hope I can gain back the maturity I was known for. I would like to stay child-like in a way that means I will always be a learner and that I won't have "prejudice filters". I want to see people for who they really are, regardless of shape, size, color, religion, gender, whatever. I don't want to judge. I'm getting more into the arts and I hope that's something that continues to grow. I hope my love for beauty in the natural world continues to grow. I hope that I will always be flexible. I hope my gentleness can extend to everyone instead of stretching to just children and the person I'm sweet on at the time. I hope my love never ceases. I hope that I can simply impersonate a butterfly...beauty, gentle....God's beautiful creation.

I have a story idea floating in my mind, but I don't know what to do with it. It's a magical realism/fantasy idea. It's based on Plato's theory of the soul. Also, this is a real story I think, not a short story that will sustain me for a while. I hope to go somewhere with this!

Well, my brain feels a bit lighter! It feels really nice to get all these thoughts out on.....inter-space? I know that in a few minutes they'll all come back though...oh well...at least I'm free for now! :DD

"Crusader" by Edward Bloor. A Bookreview.

2010-03-06T22:12:00.000-08:00

When reading Crusader, I read it when a different though in mind. I read from a sociological/psychological point of view. In this book, Roberta Ritter, a shy and plain girl, deals with hate crimes in the mall she works at (her family's vitrual reality arcade) as well as deals with her mother's unsolved murder that took place 7 years ago.

While reading this novel I tried to understand everyone's perspective in this book. I tried to understand why Kristin felt the need to be a terrible person to the boys. Why Roberta seemed emotionless at times, and countless other "whys" that the characters and situations showed.

Crusader was a decent book to read. It is qute lengthy and it is a story that has a realistic theme.

Recommended for those who have time.

"Wish You Well" by David Baldacci. A Bookreview.

2010-03-01T18:27:00.000-08:00

Wish You Well was given to me by a friend for Christmas, and I have just now finished it, after reading it for a week or less. When I first god this book I judged it by the inside flap; I didn't think it looked very interesting. After reading a few books since Christmas and remembering I promised myself I would read this novel, I quickly fell in love with it.

This novel by David Baldacci has indeed become one of my favorites. It is sooo good. It is a story that takes me in Virginia in the mountainous region in the 1940's. After a car-crash leaves Lou and Oz without a father and a mother who is in a coma, brother and sister go to live their life with their great-grandmother in the land where their father grew up but never returned to. Here is where the children do their most growing and meet friends and foes that captivate readers from start to finish.

The characters in Wish You Well are beautiful and very believable. They are "real" in a sense that they aren't indestructible nor emotionless. They are your average, but extraordinary characters that one can imagine having a conversation with or passing in the street. With beautiful child-like faith and dialogue that greatly augmented to the characters of the book. Baldacci also used the right amount of imagery to allow his readers to easily imagine life on these mountains as we follow Lou and Oz on their adventure.

What I really enjoyed about this book is the ending. I don't want to give too much away, but I think it ended perfectly. Almost how life would end, but there are fictional moments in it.

I would recommend this book to someone who's looking for something to read that is not a love story for once, for people who love coming of age tales, and for those that love stories that warm the heart. :]

C'est La Vie

2010-02-26T22:38:00.000-08:00

Today was very unproductive for me. If anything, I did some laundry, so that has to count for something, right? That means I stepped foot outside! Well no, it doesn't count and yes I am very ashamed for not going outside and moving around. Baaaah, I fail. Tomorrow is dedicated to homework. I think I will do Spanish homework fist, just to get those 9 pages (so gross!) out of the way. Then I will do mymath homework and then I will check blackboard to see if I have homework in my other classes. If I do, I'll do that. Then after that I will read the Spanish story, answer the questions, study math, and hopefully read. :DD Yay, here's hoping that I actually get that done! :DD

Today I looked through the movie on mem.com about my papa. It is just a slide show of a few pictures with him in them and the family. Some really old from his Marine Corps days, and others that were taken in the last couple of years of his life. I noticed that my sister had added more pictures to the movie. Just seeing all the pictures and thinking through the years, I started to cry.

I can't remember the last time I legitamately cried because my heart or something was hurting. Even crying over a guy or something. I can't remember the last time tears actually spilled. Hmm, odd. Usually I am pretty sensitive, I could cry over the smallest things, but I guess that's not happening now.

That's weird though. I didn't notice when that happened. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I suppose it is a good thing that I stopped crying, but I don't want to be desensitized to life.

Hmmm. C'est la vie.

"Envy" by Anna Godberson. A bookreview.

2010-02-24T16:31:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I finished the third book in one of my favorite series: "The Luxe" series. Altogether it takes place in 1899-1901 and it follows the story of high society teens and the scandals and rumours that surround them. After finishing Envy, I did indeed find myself quite envious. Sometimes I think it would be really fun to travel back to this time frame and live this life....

Anyway, in the third installment of Godberson's series, the dreama continues between Henry, Diana, and Penelope, and something shocking happens to each of them which completely change thier lives. I can't wait until I read the fourth and final book Splendor!

So far, I think my favorite characters are either of the Holland sisters (Elizabeth because she tries to be good to all and puts her family first and Diana because she is a free-spirit is is, above all else, true to herself), and Teddy Cutting because he is the only true gentleman in the novel that has been described so far.

I really enjoy Godberson's imagery of places, dresses, and situations. I find it so fascinating and interesting that I just can't stop reading until the book is completely finished. I would definitely recommend this book! :DD

Just Watch My Wildest Dreams Come True...

2010-02-22T16:54:00.000-08:00

....not one of them involving you.

You. This is probably long overdue, over-done, over-stated, over-thought, over-everything, but I'm going to say it one more time and mean it with all that I am to the best of my ability. I want you to watch every dream I have come true. I want you to see that I chose good, and you. Well, I don't know what to say. You chose hatred and anger. I can say that I am truly sorry for the trials in life you have faced and will still face, especially since you live too deeply into things that may or may not last (mostly the latter) in your opinion. I am sorry I could not prove that wrong. But there is a reason things went the way they did. Now it is time to let your ghost rest in peace. It is now time to give up the nostalgia that's been holding me back and finally move on. You taught me a lot. You became a heavy influence on what I believe when it comes to true friendship and real love. So here's to letting go of the past that haunted many things in "my" today. I can only hope that you have a great life. That eventually you stop living for yourself and you see that there is something--someone bigger out there. And like our song went, "when one door opens to another door closed, I hope you keep on going until you find the window". Good luck.

And to you. Mostly to you. This is probably the hardest part. Letting go of...this feeling that I've kept for so long. I don't quite know exactly how I'm going to do it, when it's going to really happen, or how it will work. I do know that it needs to end. My dreams need to come true...without you. I suppose my dream can still be what I desired if I had you, but they cannot be you anymore. That limits me, stunts me, makes me a spiritual, emotional, social, atrophy. I still want to be around you. I'll still be around you because that's what I'll do as a friend. I can't do this jealousy anymore. I can't do this sadness anymore. Somehow, if my dreams are supposed to include you then I don't know there is so much pain behind it. So for now, I want you to watch my wildest dreams come true, not one of them involving you (it's so hard to stand by this conviction because my heart is still screaming that maybe God wants you, but baaah! This only makes me much more detmermined)...

Good luck. God bless. I love you.

2010-02-21T23:09:00.000-08:00

Dear Serena Robles, below are your Personality Tests result:
Who is your true self: You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

Your view on yourself:
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You are down-to-earth
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : People like you because you are so straightforward
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking:
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You are a true romantic
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : When you are in love
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You will do anything
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Everything to keep your love true
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person
The seriousness of your love:
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : So you will find yourself with plenty of dates
Your views on education:
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Education is very important in life
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You want to study hard
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Learn as much as you can
The right job for you:
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You're a practical person
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Will choose a secure job with a steady income
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Knowing what you like to do is important
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Find a regular job doing just that
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You'll be set for life
How do you view success:
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You are afraid of failure
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous
What are you most afraid of:
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You are concerned about your image
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : The way others see you
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : It's time for you to believe in who you are
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Not what you wear

"Dark Visions" by L.J. Smith. A book review.

2010-02-20T11:55:00.000-08:00

My favorite thing about reading books by L.J. Smith is probably the fact that her books were mostly written in the late 1980's and 1990's--Before all the Twilight hype. When reading her books I remember that her vampires came first, and when I read something that I've read in Twilight I begin to wonder if Stephenie Meyer read these books too...

ANYWAY!

Dark Visions by L.J. Smith is a book that has three books in one. They consist of The Strange Power, The Possessed, and The Passion. In these books there is a group of 5 psychics, 2 girls and 3 boys, who are learning the extent of their abilities by attending an institute. The Institute turns out to be evil and after they learn the true intentions of the diabolical Mr. Zetes, they look to bringing him and his evil forces down.

Of course there is also a love story when the main character Kaitlin, must choose between the healer Rob, and the telepath Gabriel.

I thought the book/series was pretty good...but it is what it is, a teen novel.

I would recommend it for light reading and for those who enjoy teen novels, and psychics! (:

I Used to be a Damsel in Distress...

2010-02-17T20:43:00.000-08:00

I thought I'd open with this little tidbit of my past life:

"Like my last journal entry, I fell again, so to speak. In my own way I think I suffered another mental break down. For the longest time I couldn't cry-normally I cry to get everything out-so everything was basically bottled. As I lied down to sleep last night I was finally able to cry, not as much as i would like, but enough to get me through for now.
I've come to a realization over the past week of my sadness. Peopl screw you over. Caring is only a word, there is no such thing as a genuine person. Everyone is fake- including me. People either act emo to be all cool, or people either wear masks to hide pain. If people don't fall in that category then they still have some plastic thing about them.
Yeah..That's what I learned.
But even at this moment I'm still upset over the thing that causes me the most pain. I came out with what causes me the most pain, but the person just brushed me away. If that helps them heal, then fine. That's my wish for them..to heal.."

I found this journal entry on an old website I used to haunt (I did not edit anything, thus, there are many mistakes in it.), and it kind of....I don't know what it makes me feel. I was in my Sophomore year when I typed that entry up. So as I look back on it, I suppose I find it amusing because, well, holy crap, I was an emo child! It saddens me because the words I said are so...empty. I can almost sense the lack of life in it. I also feel...unattached from the writing. I mean, it wasn't me. If I close my eyes, I can almost remember writing that, pouring my heart into that, but it doesn't feel like me.

Looking back on this journal entry, I cannot believe how much I have changed since I was 15, 3, almost 4 years ago!

I never truly believed I have changed that much. Yes, I know that I am different from who I used to be, but I suppose, because I did not have hard evidence, I did not understand the gravity of my change.

I owe all of that to God!

Looking at that old journal entry, I think I have an idea as to what I was talking about, but I don't really know, at the same time. I have an obvious answer, an old friend from the past, but at the same time, I don't believe that it was her. I think it was another friend, another situation, I don't know.

Again, wow.

After seeing that old post, it makes me think....have I grown up? Have I matured? I strongly believe that at that age, because I was taking care of my dad, I was more mature, more grown-up than I am now. After seeing this, I think it is the other way around. I was extremely immature. I was dumb. In the past 3 years, something happened in my heart, and I grew up.

Heck, as dumb as it sounds, I blossomed.

I am not saying that today, I am an "adult". In many many ways I am still a child. I let stupid crushes make and break my day sometimes, I still play pranks, I get upset over the smallest things, I have my mommy (yes, I still say "mommy" too) cook for me.

In many ways I am still indeed a child.

But at the same time, I've taken giant leaps toward adulthood. Toward growing, toward being a woman of God.

I suppose I thought I was mature back then was because I cooked, I cleaned, I believed emotions were worthless so I made sure I didn't feel them, and I kept them locked and guarded under the heaviest protection imaginable. And when I felt...I felt...nothing good. Nothing admirable.

I suppose however, to tie into my title, I looked for a savior. My mouth said "Jesus was the way", but my heart wanted something more. Under my guise of hatred and depression, I was a damsel locked in a castle.

Today, my heart screams and my mouth sings that "Jesus is the way, the truth and the life". Today, He is more than enough. I'm no longer that girl waiting for someone. My Prince came and I was rescued.

It's amazing to see how fast time has gone. How much of a transformation I went under. I think the best part is seeing how week I used to be. :]

But, I don't regret anything I did then...well, there are some things that make me cringe when I think about it, but in the end. I regret nothing. Everything happened for a reason.

After seeing how low I once was, I know there is no where to go but up, and I will put hope in that comforting thought as I continue to grow...

"The Van Alen Legacy" by Melissa De La Cruz. A Bookreview.

2010-02-16T21:49:00.000-08:00

Yes, it is indeed another vampire series. Instead of sparkling vampires in this one, the vampires are kind of different. One can not be made into a vampire ( I believe), but instead, they are angels. The fallen angels with Lucifer, trying to redeem themslves. They are called blue bloods because I think their blood shines blue, but also because they are born pretty rich!

So, "The Van Alen" legacy is the latest installment of the "Blue Bloods" series. And you know that old saying "oh how the plot thickens"? Well....oh how the plot thickens! Choices are made. Sides are chosen. Mimi shows a softer side, Jack is...Jack, and Shyuler's on the run.

Yep, that's The Van Alen legacy in a nutshell! I wish I could elaborate, but I would give away the plot. All I can say is this: when certain choices are made, it kind of reminds me of history in a way. Over the course of a past few centuries, this book has shown a somewhat accurate portral of teens. Before they would do exactly what parents would say, there would be no question against it. But today, rules are meant to be broken.

And that's what happens in this book! :D

Read it!

Culture.

2010-02-10T20:42:00.000-08:00

When I think about culture, I automatically thing diversity. For some odd reason, I picture cobble-stoned streets and a mixture of tall skyscrapers, like those found in San Diego or New York, and I picture old white buildings that would belong to a foreign country. I picture this street teeming with people of all different races; I see myself, a single spectator, drinking it all in. With all the people and their different ethnicities, I imagine hundreds of different colors because it happens to be a street fair. There are pretty women young and old with flowing skirts dancing with the widest grins and men in a different group, supplying the rhythm for which they will dance to. I smell ethnic specialties as some man grills and others sell refreshing drinks. Younger children are dancing around the circle of performers, imitating to the best of their abilities, or they are playing random childhood games like hop-scotch and marbles. When I picture culture, I see the world unified in one area. No fighting, no wars, no politics. Just a bunch of people having a good time, enjoying each other's company.

Idealistic much?

Culture is such an amazing thing. Everything about it, language, foods, religions, even the technology. It is amazing to think of how diverse we are!

After that introduction, I kind of have a topic on my mind that kind of ties into culture.

The fashion culture!

Today, there was a girl in my class, who, goodness, she should have just stripped down to her underwear by the way she was dressed. She was wearing a suuuuper low-cut shirt (muuuch lower than I go, and I can go pretty low sometimes) with her bra peeking from the top. Also, she bent down and bah!, don't wanna go there! When I see others dressed like that it makes me wonder. If they are so keen on exposing their bodies, would it not be better to just save their money and instead of buying these clothes just walk around in their underwear? Really. -.- She is only one example. The western fashion culture is pretty scandalous as compared to other societies. Here, it is (almost, depending on who you are) perfectly acceptable to where a suuuper short skirt with butt cheeks hanging out, or if you're a guy to wear suuuper baggy jeans with boxers hanging out....what is it with the obsession for showing one's butt?! Gah! Anyway, western outfits are pretty racy as compared, say to that of women in Saudi Arabia.

In some Middle Easter countries, the women must be completely covered from head to toe, that can even include their face, save the eyes! That's crazy to think about, but for other cultures, that is the norm. Wow.

Not only that, think about education in countries. In North America, we apply for colleges in Senior year of high school. In Japan, they apply to high schools that are just as competitive as colleges would be. Here in North America, the education system doesn't really stress a certain learning material, we have favorite subjects and we tend to excel at those. In Russia, the children are amazing at math and science (something I heard that North America was lagging in).

It is an amazing concept to think of my own culture that I have grown up in and compare myself to someone my age in another country. If I was born in another country, I could have been married by now (married for a few years, actually), with kids and I could be illiterate. Long covering clothing could be my norm, and having my hair down in public would be unacceptable. I could be highly competitive in a school full of geniuses because that it was I was born into.

Wow.

What a shocking thought.

"A Thousand Days in Tuscany" by Marlena De Blasi. A bookreview.

2010-02-08T19:46:00.000-08:00

For those who love good, Italina food and beautiful imagery, this is a book to read. De Blasi combines her knowledge of food and a talent for writing to create this beautiful work of art.

"A Thousand Days in Tuscany" is what it promises: a bittersweet adventure. Filled with moments that made me laugh out loud, that made me sad, and that made me smile along with the characters, it was a very good read.

However, this novel is different from the novels I am used to reading. If you are not a fan of imagery, then this is not a book for you. There seems to be less dialogue and more description in this book than most books today. Although I enjoyed reading De Blasi's work of art, it did take me longer than usual to get through and it was harder for me to pay attention than when it comes to other books.

So, I would recommend this book to those who like good food, imagery, and have enough time to truly get engaged in this beautiful tale of Tuscan life. :)

Selah.

2010-02-05T22:42:00.000-08:00

Time stops for no one. It flows and flows. But, for moments like this, selah. Pause. Stop and listen. When I think of the word "selah", a wave of peace crashes over me.

Like a whisper in the wind.
The lightest fabric touch on my skin.
Selah.

I love the way it rolls off my tongue, how sweet it feels to say that word, and it's not even an English word!

Selah.

Just pause.

Stop. Listen.

If I could, I would pause certain moments.

The way the kids' smiles and laughter filled the room as they ran around and had fun.

Selah.

The way the little girl's eyes lit up when I ran around the gym with her.

Selah.

When almost a hundred glowsticks lit up a dark room as music pulsated in the background and more lights bounced off the walls.

Selah.

The sounds of the machines handing out tickets and victorious laughter after hitting the "jackpot".

Selah.

The night rain cool against my body, refreshing me, refreshing the earth.

Selah.

The work of the Lord. Knowing He has shaped every moment, every flower, everything. The colors He had used. For us. Beauty for us. Talents He has given us. All because of a great love for us. Praise be to Him.

Selah.

The way I feel when his eyes meet mine.

Selah.

The quirk of a smile a stranger gives when they are treated with courtesy.

Selah.

A content lull in the conversation between the best of friends.

Selah.

Turning the page of a really good book.

Selah.

Time stops for no one. Oh how I wish it would pause for me at these times so that I may engrave them permanently into my mind without change.

Praise be to God for multitudes of beauty.

Selah.

Pause. Meditate. Stop and listen. Beauty is all around. Don't forget to remember where it comes from.

We Can Stay Like This or Go Go Go...

2010-02-04T21:41:00.000-08:00

Nostalgia. Such a bitter-sweet emotion. I love the memories behind it. I love replaying moments in my head that I have forgotten and moments that I have treasured. This bitter-sweet feeling is so funny. When remembering things from a couple years' past, it's amusing to think how much I have changed since then. How much my surroundings have changed. I do have the same friends from the past, but my circle is different. I'm not close to those who I used to be close to. When I think of the memories I have of them/with them it makes me smile, but at the same time, it makes me sad.

Looking at pictures always bring a rush of these feelings. Looking through recent pictures of old friends are the real killers. When I look at them I laugh and smile because that is what I see and what I can feel when looking at these photographs, but at the same time, I wasn't there. Had it been two or three years ago, yes I would have been there. I might have been the one taking the picture, or heck, I might be the one in the picture, but today I am simply the viewer.

Along with nostalgia comes a wave of surprise. Oh how time has flown. I always joke that I have regressed in maturity levels since I was sixteen, sure, maybe I have in a way, but I have also matured at the same time. Contradiction? Most likely.

Sticking with the idea of looking at photographs of old friends in present times, I'm so glad to have met them. Everyone I have ever been close to/spent some significant amount of time with has shaped me, changed me, left me with some impression. All the people in my life have been and are building blocks to how I view life today....Well, that really doesn't explain how white-washed I am...but I think that it is mostly because when a Mexican Dad and an Asian Mommy make a chex mix child, that child is most likely going to be racially confused. Well...better to be racially confused than genderly or sexually confused! :D But, I hope my point is getting across. I would not change the life I have lived for anything. The mistakes I made, the regrets I have, those are all important too.

Looking at photographs of the past and present, I start to think about the things I have done in life, the things that we important to me. I will admit I went through a stage where appearance meant a lot to me, where for me it was based on who I could pretend to be, rather than who I truly was.

Today is a different story. I am attempting to stay grounded in who I am, who I have become. I hate using the term young woman for some reason. I still believe I am a girl. I don't know when I will transition into this "young woman" or "woman" stage of my life, but I hope I know when I'll get there. I don't even know what makes a woman. O_o No, not periods. Kinda like how what makes a man is his lack of emotions or some other stupid thing like that. If women have to have a stupid thing like that, I don't know what my take of that would be. Hmm, weird.

Point is, I'm ready to go. The bitter-sweet taste of nostalgia is good every now and again, but life does not have a pause button. Life goes on, it stops for no one, one moment blends into another, kind of like colors, and as all the colors of the world unify in a continuous chaotic motion, life will still continue.

As humans, we could "stay like this". We don't have to grow up. We can be completely unbending like a tree that has lived a century or more in a mighty wind. We can do that if we truly desire. Or we can "go go go". We can grow, we can learn.

As for me, I feel that I am most partial to the latter.

:]

Enojo

2010-02-03T19:01:00.000-08:00

Estoy enojado. No, no tengo enojado, tengo molesto. Yo se, yo se, es malo, pero no puedo ayudar! Conozco tan Dios se ayudame, pero, es mi falta. Mi corazón es muy emocional. Ah, es como no excusa. Necesito mirar a Dios, haha, menos a hablar y andar para mas. Tengo muy gazmoñera. Yo simempre hablo sobre de caminar mucho y no hago mucho, pero, mirame!

Hágale quiere saber lo que hablo de? Quieres saber que lo que molesto? Estoy molesto porque yo me hincho. Me creo como estoy mas importante lo que la verdad. Comparar a otra niña, no que habrá espacia para mi. Comparar a los amigos otros, no tengo especial. Apuesto el no cuida a mi.

Sé egoísta de me, pero, quiero tener imporante a el! Quiero saber el se quiere a mi tambien. Pero, no el querer entre amantes, pero, el querer de amigos en Cristo. Hoy, yo no podría pensar en nada pero usted. Yo se, tengo boba. Yo no cuido! Es muy triste.

Por qué le hace tiene el control sobre mí? A mis emociones? Eso no es justo. A veces, yo aborrezco ser una niña. Pero, esto es la vida. =\

bahaha....>_> some of that is my translations, whcih suck, but other parts I cheated....O_o -_-

Remember Me?

2010-01-27T18:34:00.000-08:00

Hmm, for some reason it feels like it has been a looong time since I last blogged something. Oh well, I guess I've been writing in my diary as of late so I ignored this one, haha. Yes, I keep separate stuff. My diary is much more private and I don't censor myself there. This is what I am willing to share with the general public that are my friends and this one is filled with random stuff that I'm sure I wouldn't really mind losing if this site were to die one day....

ANYWAY!

So, tomorrow is my last day of the second week of school. SO far it's gone fine. I'm taking Philosophy, Spanish, Sociology, and Math.
--Philosophy: the professor is kind of dry, but the class is very interesting. I like the in-depth thoughts and I like what we're learning...mainly we are learning about past philosophers and their beliefs. In this class I don't really talk to anyone, well, maybe this girl named Cessia who sits beside me. But only on occasion.
--Spanish: ehehe....no me gusta la clase de espanol....Well, it's okay, I suppose. The teacher hasn't taught yet. All we do is break into assigned groups and go over the previous night's homework and the teacher will occasionally speak about it. I like group work sometimes, but this is much...I like taking notes during a lecture, especially during a language class, I feel like I'm actually learning that way. While in groups I feel as though I'm not going to reach full potential. In this class, I don't really talk to anyone outside of my group, haha. Even then, we don't talk much, we're all business...and I feel like I'm the black sheep in the group. O_o
--Sociology: The very first class on the road to my major! :DD That's exciting! However, is it bad that I don't enjoy it that much? I think it's because when I go to class I really want to learn something, I want to use up as much time as possible in class. The professor is very nice, but she is somewhat scatter-brained...then again she is teaching classes back-to-back so that would make anyone a little loopy, so I can't really be too hard on her....well, at least this is only sociology 100...I'm sure it will get interesting in time. Hmm, in this class, I don't talk to anyone...well, we had to talk t the person next to us, but I'm shy so I didn't continue talking to her.
--Math: Math...I like the teacher! He is much better than my previous professor, ugggh! I can only hope that I can get a good grade in this class (as well as all my other classes!). In this class I talk to Josh. He's nice, and I'm jealous of his eyes! =O

So yep, that's the low-down on my classes! Tomorrow I'm going to a Bible study at school? O_o I hope that turns out well...

Okay, one with what I really wanted to write about. Then again, I suppose writing about classes could fit into this category, because it is me leaving a mark on people. Yesterday I went to Jesse's and Anthony's mother's funeral (her name was Loretta). I didn't know her at all. I think I remember seeing her once, but I did not speak to her because she was a stranger to me, pretty much. As I sat in the back row listening to people share their memories about her, I began to think of who she was. I do wish I could have met her. Then, there was also a lesson during the funeral so I was like "O.o what the heck?!" so I kinda tuned out but listened at the same time....but mostly I was gone. Anyway! I began thinking about my own funeral...if I were to die as a youngin'.

I don't know, I don't want my funeral to be a "funeral". I want it to be a celebration of life! I'm sure that people will cry, because when a loved one passes that's what humans do. They cry. Stick 'em in a room with other mourning people it's a bawl-fest...sorry if I'm desensitizing it.

I would want the people at my celebration of life to be smiling a little. I want them to laugh when a friend or family member goes up to the podium and shares that "I remember the time when...". I don't want people to view my body. That sometimes makes it harder. I would want my celebration to be in the daytime, not at night, despite how much I love the stars. I want it at the day time because I want the sun shinning as proof that life goes on, that God will still be there. Also, I want them to feel the warmth of the sun and imagine it as a hug, when I'm cold, I like standing in the sun to warm up, and I imagine it as a giant hug and I'm safe, haha...me=nerd! When funerals are at night, it seems like there is a darker cloud of sadness.

I want to be remembered as a witness of God. To be remembered as the one who always loved, not because of things I've said, but because of the things I've done. Actions speak louder than words. When words fade and there is silence, action does not need noise.

Yep.

And I want my celebration of life to be my final act of witnessing for God. That maybe someone will hear all the stories and know that there is a loving and powerful God who I have finally gone home to.

"Maximum RIde: Saving the World and Other Extreme Sports" by James Patterson. A bookreview.

2010-01-22T14:42:00.000-08:00

Saving the World and Other Extreme Sports is much different from the previous two titles in the Maximum Ride series. In the first two of Patterson's teen novels, much was very repetative, fighting and running, fighting and running, trusting and running, finding answers and running, and getting no where. It was quite the cycle.

In the third novel, however, Max and her flock finally found some answers they were searching for. Max found her mom, friendships were tested as were abilities. In this novel there is still fighting, but there is less of a circle. This novel was very fast-paced and an easy read which I thoroughly enjoyed. As for the characters, there was significant growth for everyone, every character seemed to become more individual, for lack of a better term. Max, despite her own growth as a character stayed the same, which is good.

However, with the way this novel ended, I can tell that in the books to come there has been some plot changes and that the novel may be going off it's original course. So far, I would say that the plot is still good and the changes will not turn me off from the books, but, we will have to see, won't we?

Recommended! :D

"Maximum Ride: School's Out--Forever" by James Patterson. A bookreview.

2010-01-21T23:35:00.000-08:00

So this is just a quick review of the novel that I have finished the other day. It was a quick read, and interesting. I really like Patterson's novels because the characters have such funny and lively quirks that make them seem all the more real.

The weird thing about his writing though is some of the dialogue. Some lines are super corny and make me go "what the heck?! Who says that?!"

Anway, School's Out--Forever is a continuation from the first book. It is interesting to see how the plot has progressed, but at the same time, it is very repetative. Max and the flock fight the Erasers. They get away, they think they are safe, the fight a few more times, and then they go "up, up, and away". Yeah, that makes it kinda dull.

I would however, recomend the series. =]

Just some thoughts...

2010-01-20T20:40:00.000-08:00

I am probably one of the most emotionally weak persons (grammatically, this sounds wrong, but I don't feel like busting my brain at the moment) you will ever come across. I hide myself behind many facades to protect my core. I cry very easily. I'm very dependent. When I heard my nephew say "I love you", it brought tears to my eyes. I'm not talking about Jonathan, my younger nephew, I know he loves me because he's just a loving kid. It was an older nephew, Anthony, who told me. I don't think I've ever heard him tell me that he loves me.

I was recently told that my nephews', Jesse and Anthony, mom passed away. She lost control of her truck and it flipped and she was ejected. I talked to Anthony and he sounded fine on the phone, he said he's just staying positive, and he's trying to figure out what to do for her and all of that stuff. I think about him, he's 20-21, and that's a lot of burden, even if it is also split with Jesse, but I haven't talked to him yet.

I never knew their mom, I know she has a younger kid and Anthony says he's being taken care of, so that's good. But wow....losing a parent is hard. Especially if the parent and/or the child is young.

Wow. Death is a scary thing. It brings out sides of people that you never really see. And, well, I don't know. All I know is that you have to thank God for what you have here and now and remember you are blessed and never forget to tell people you lvoe them.

hmm...

"You Don't Know Me" by David Klass. A Book review.

2010-01-17T23:46:00.000-08:00

Normally I read books from a female protagonist's point of view, but every now and again it is refreshing to read from a male's point of view. "You Don't Know Me", by David Klass, is an interesting novel to read.

John, a freshman in high school, is the narrarator of this story. As a reader progresses through the books, he will follow John as he goes on his first date, and deals with monsters some of us are fortunate to never have expierenced. That monster is child abuse. Throughout this book, John stresses 1. people "don't know him", and 2. about things that aren't.

Klass interestingly writes about child abuse and the things a 14-year-old boy may think. This boy who is quick to judge finds hope in things he did not realize.

I don't know how else to describe a book like this, it is better off to read it to fully grasp what I'm trying to say. =p

Goodbye to You...

2010-01-15T23:14:00.000-08:00

I hate goodbyes. I really do. I'm never good at them. My trick is, when I say goodbye, I emotionally detach myself so I don't have to feel anything when I say goodbye. There are a few instances when I ignored that rule, or, mainly, the emotion is too strong to blackade, but for the most part, it is highly effective. Goodbyes are hard, especially when I love a person. Be it family or friend, I can't help but cry a little when I say goodbye because I don't like losing people.

Goodbyes hurt, but sometimes they are for the best. The thing I hate most about them is the fact that it feels like I'm throwing away of however many years I've known the person worth of memories. When I make friends, I make them for life. I don't believe in making friends for the moment, I don't enjoy putting my heart into something that doesn't last that long, because eventually goodbyes come and it just hurts.

After listening to Michelle Branch's song "goodbye to you", I started thinking about people, places, and things, in the course of my lifespan that are meaningful to me in ways. Mainly, I thought about people. I thought about a friend that said goodbye and completely tore me up. Then again, perhaps I was the first one to say goodbye for that one, even if she technically said the words. I also thought about Dad and how I didn't want that goodbye to come. I thought about feelings that I should say goodbye to. Feelings that I would be better off without.

And one day, I'm going to be the one that has to say goodbye to people. I suppose I hate that part too. I hate hurting people.

So yeah.

Goodbye to you...

Life and stuff...yeah...and an uncreative title....

2010-01-14T23:43:00.000-08:00

Well, tonight I had work until 10:30. I was on sales floor, but tonight was better than other nights; there wasn't too much of a mess so time went by slowly. I think I contracted pink eye at work because I suddenly had a feeling as though my right eye was watery and there was a bunch of gunk in it, I also keep rubbing it so it's a little sore now... Yeah, and it's been that way since. Poopy, oh well. That means no seeing people, because it is most likely contagious. =[ Gah! The feeling is so annoying!!

At work we discovered what we think is a racist Dora the Explorer backpack...don't ask...it's weird, but, yeah. The people I work with are nice and very social, so it's not hard to get along with them, everyone is interesting. Tonight when cleaning the isles/aisles (?), I was listening to two of the people making jokes since I'm too shy to make jokes of my own when they started cursing like crazy. Israel then looked at me and then looked at the lady and was like, "watch your language in front of this church lady!". That made me laugh, but their language wasn't annoying me or anything. I found that idea completely humorous though. So work was good tonight. All the while I was thinking that I could make a situation bad or good, it just depended on how I treated it. Since I don't like working sales floor, I've always been in a bad mood when I did it so my mood would be ruined for the entire day.

Also, on with life outside of my own little world, I heard about the earthquake that hit Haiti. I was looking at some pictures, and in some, there were pictures of groups from Britain, Taiwan, and the United States, going over to the Haitian islands to help out and support the people. It's really heart-warming to see a world set aside it's differences and unify for one noble cause. My heart goes out to those who lost their lives and their loved ones. I pray that God will give strength to those dealing with this disaster, and that somehow people will see Him and His will and a way for Him to still be glorified.

Yeah that's it...sleepy time!

"A Bend in the Road" by Nicholas Sparks. A bookreview.

2010-01-14T23:09:00.001-08:00

Earlier today I finished yet another Nicholas Sparks book. A Bend in the Road is one of his older novels, and I, of course, really enjoyed it. I enjoy all of his books, haha, however, I suppose this book was not a favorite, compared to some of his other novels.

This book is the love story between Miles Ryan, a man who lost his wife, and Sarah Andrews, a woman who is struggling with a terrible divorce, but with a big twist in it....I'm not giving it away!

Anyway, I don't know what to say about this book, haha. It was good. It had the right amount of tragedy and the right amount of love story. On his site, Sparks said that he wrote "love stories" instead of "romance stories". With love stories, sometimes there isn't a happy ending, and with romance, there's always the expected happy ending that everyone wants. So, yeah, I think Sparks does a great job at writing love stories.

As for this novel, it's a definate must read! :D

Epic Dreams?!

2010-01-13T21:12:00.000-08:00

Ever have one of those dreams where you're dreaming in that? Well, I've never had one of those, but I've had a dream where I'm dreaming, and in that dream I was dreaming. So, it's slightly more epic. =]

My dream took place a couple of night ago, but I can still remember it for the most part. It's somewhat vivid, but I've forgotten some of the smaller details I suppose.

Anyway, so let's break down this dream...let's see, where to start...

Okay, let's begin with the first dream, or as I call, the master dream. In this dream I was a guy friend of mine, and, I don't remember what we were doing, haha. But we were going somewhere that required us to stay in a hotel, and we were travelling with either his family or mine...I just know there were a lot of people. I think we were going to some sort of convention and we were the only ones of our age so we stuck together and were just like "uhm...let's make the most of it?". So we're going along with who ever's family, just chilling, and being ourselves, arguing, talking, chitting the chat. If I remember correctly we went somewhere far that involved suitcases and either the train or plane and a rental car. I also remember being very shy which makes me want to assume that it was with his family... Eventually the day was done and we went to the hotel that the family had pre-rented (Now that I think about it, it might be his family....my family is not that organized, haha). The hotel was really nice, it was big and expensive looking, and I don't think I had to pay for it. O.o The only thing I paid for I think was the plane/train ticket....Anyway, so as the adults were getting room keys I asked one of them where I was sleeping. So they handed my friend a key and was like "you and Serena are sharing a suite". He and I both looked at each other and were like "O_o but, we're not of the same gender..." and the person looked at us and was like "you're only ones not married here, and don't worry, there are two beds in the room". So we looked at each other apprehensively and were like "fine, we're mature adults..." So we go to the room and he takes the bed closest to the window, pretty much the bed in the corner and I was like "loser" and he shrugged me off and was like "you don't need the corner". I remember an awkward moment when we both got into our pajamas and crawled into our beds and there was a long silence (I was mostly uncomfortable because he slept shirtless and I kept on wondering if God would smite me for this). I remember looking at him and was like "should I turn out the lights?" and he's like "yeah, that's best, I'm tired". So I did and then it felt more awkward because here I am, sharing a room with a guy. I remember looking over at him and he was curled on his side so he was facing me and I was "O_O awkwardddd" in my mind. But instead I was like "well, goodnight then," before I curled in the other direction.

So after the master dream comes, I start to dream in that dream, and I think I'll call that the middle earth dream. In this dream I was a ninja, and the said guy friend was a ninja too and were were on a team of three with some other ninja guy (yep, kind of like Naruto), and were were in a battle with some evil ninjas. My guy friend was extremely stealthy so he was an excellent fighter, the other guy could talk to animals, and I had very good accuracy, but I usually hung back because I was more of a defensive line. Well one of the evil ninja guys came and attacked me and knocked me out, and that's when the third dream started.

I'll call this dream the sub-dream. In this dream I was a model (I know right? That's why we call them dreams!), and a new one at that. So I went to this agency that had called me a while ago and I was going to do a photo shoot with them. Their entire theme was a jungle theme. That was exciting. So I did poses and they took pictures, and they apparently thought that I was one of the best models they have ever seen. So they let me have a lunch break and I decided to explore. I met other models, but they weren't very nice, so I just stayed on my own. Then I saw a cute little kitten that looked a lot like Jaymie's cat Sabrina, same color and everything, only the hair was shorter and she was nicer. So this kitten followed me around the entire time and it would come to me when I called it and it was so gentle. Eventually the kitten stopped following me, and when it was going away a lioness came out of the bushes and attacked her, swiping her side and leaving deep gashes. I remember freaking out and somehow making the lioness go away. The kitten was hurt really badly, and I picked it up carefully, fearing that it would die. The manager of the agency came out and told me it was his kitten and I told him what happened and he told these burly male model dudes to go find the lioness because she escaped the cage. Then, I still had a really long break so I decided to take a nap, and that ended this dream.

I then went back to the ninja dream, and there I woke up and my two ninja friends were staring down at me, and after that, I woke up.

Then I went back to the master dream. I remember waking up in the dream and the dream had moved forward and my friend and his family were at church. I remember taking a seat by him, and the silence was slightly weird for a while. He then told me he didn't go to the bathroom that much the night before because he was afraid of waking me. I then told him that he could have gone because I sleep through almost anything. He laughed, and it suddenly wasn't awkward anymore. Then I told him I had to use the restroom and he should accompany to that he agree. As we passed his family, his mom, I think, gave me a wary look, like she was watching me. So we walked to the bathroom, and before I went in to the Ladies' room he looked at me and was like "you have a good stomach". I was thoroughly confused at that point, wondering what that meant, wondering if he was making fun of me, or if that meant I was going to have lots of children or some odd thing.

Then as I washed my hands a ton of high-schoolers from NCCOV came out of the bathroom stalls and I was even more confused as they left before me. When I walked out, my friend was still there waiting for me, and for some reason that made me feel hopeful.

Then I woke up for real, and I was SUPER confused because I thought I was still in my dream with the guy friend, and it took me a while to realize I had a dream inside of a dream inside of a dream. O_o

Weird, but very cool. =D

"Keeping Faith" by Jodi Picoult. A Book Review

2010-01-11T21:25:00.000-08:00

Jodi Picoult's novels are always a joy to read. She is an excellent write with a great eye for detail and she is good at writing human emotion. She makes her characters believable, and well, human, as compared to characters who are harder to relate to.

I have just finished Keeping Faith, which is quite an interesting novel. It was a good read, but what made it so interesting, was that it dealt with the controversy of religion which some authors try to stay away from. The novel revolves around a seven-year-old girl who develops stigmata during her parents' divorce and child custody battle for her. The catch is Faith is a Jewish girl, but she has caught the attention of Catholics, the tele-atheist, Ian Fletcher, and many people who are facinated by this phenomenon.

I enjoyed how this novel was written, it came from everyone's view points, so it was nice to see what everyone was thinking. I think the court trial that Picoult created was also well written.

What didn't sit too well with me was Faith. Faith is a seven-year-old-girl, but somehow, she seemed so much more insightful and more, I don't know another word to use, than adults. Don't get me wrong, I strongly believe that some of the best lessons can come from childrean, but at the same time, Picoult has the tendency to make the kids the most wise and insightful characters in her novels. In my opinion, I don't like that all the time, it kind of takes away the sense of innocence in a child.

I would recommend Keeping Faith to those who enjoy court trials, religious controversy, insighful children, and anyone who enjoys Jodi Picoult and reading in general. =]

"Corpse Bride" movie review? I guess, haha.

2010-01-09T23:29:00.000-08:00

So tonight I watched the movie "Corpse Bride" with Jakob, Juliet, and Tom, that was interesting. I love Tim Burton films, he's the greatest! His mind is just pure genius, haha!

This movie (3-D animation) is about this couple being betrothed when Victor, the groom-to-be, finds himself wedded to a corpse named Emily. The movie is really cute, and very dark. I suppose I missed the concept of bright pinks and greens and purples in movies (wow, I never thought I'd say that)...

However, throughout the entire movie, I could sympathize with Emily, the Corpse Bride. She was an innocent throughout the entire movie. She just wanted true love, her dream wedding, a true romantic at heart. Even though I knew Victor had is bride-to-be still in the Land of the Living who was worried about him, I couldn't sympathize with her all that well. Sure, she had lost Victor, but at the same time...I don't know, haha.

I suppose this is because I can relate to Emily really well. When she sang her song comparing herself to the bride-to-be and she felt she came up short, I know I always do that. Then there were lines in the song that went: "...She doesn't play piano
Or dance
Or Sing
But she still breathes air
Who cares
Unimportant
Overrated
Overblown
If only he can see
how special you can be
If only he knew the you that we know...

Well those lines, haha, They are quite amazing. Unlike Emily, however, I can't play piano or sing or dance, but...but...I can write. I'm altruistic (although that makes me feel selfish when I say that), and I'm uhmm, I'm good with kids? And the other lines remind me of my friends who are always there for me. =]

Bahaha, oh life.

<3 Tim Burton!

How Interesting...

2010-01-07T00:25:00.000-08:00

"I close my eyes, disgusted. I have already lived this story. I have already fallen in love with a man whom my mind inflated to such mythic proportions that I could stare right at him and still not see him clearly," (p. 236). Keeping Faith by Jodi Picoult

Funny how books make you think of yourself....

Teaching

2010-01-05T22:36:00.000-08:00

Teaching is a hard job. I never really thought about that until tonight. When you are a teacher, it usually means you are well-versed in a subject, you know it well enough to have confidence to teach others. You are in charge of what others know. Also, you are in charge of the students. As a student they must obey the teacher in order to learn. But also, it is the teacher who creates the classroom enviornment. If the teacher is laid-back and relaxed students will either adopt that attitude or they see it as the teacher being a pushover and begin to take advantage. If a teacher is uptight, students will get that vibe. Almost a "monkey see, monkey do" kinda thing.

Although my classroom is different from most, I am a teacher of 6 rather than 26, and the setting is different, we sit on a bed and on cushions rather than in desks, I am still a teacher nonetheless. Thinking about how I am as a teacher is an interesting concept. I can do much better. I am an extreme pushover when it comes to my kids. I think it is because I care about what parents think and I don't want to be harsh because I am afraid that I cannot draw the line between in control and being psychotically strict.

Well, that's something I can most definately work on. Tonight didn't go so well, but I think that mostly stems from me. I am usually very ill-prepared. I teach from this book with chapters about prayer and worship and all that good stuff. I don't usually read it and I just go in and try to teach. In my last blog I mentioned that I want the kids to go away with learning about love, if anything at all. The way I'm teaching, I'm doing a terrible job.

So, I think I need to spend the week meditating on each lesson. Sure I'm not coming up with sermons, I have them right in front of me, but I'm still teaching and directing kids in the name of Christ. If I do a half-effort job then they will retain less, I believe.So, I'll try that for this week. Meditate on next week's lesson for the week and give it completely to God. Again, I have what I'm teaching in front of me so I really don't have to put much effort into it at all, but who knows, perhaps God will lay it on my heart that I should teach something else. :)

We shall see, we shall see....

Because I Can?

2010-01-05T15:32:00.000-08:00

A new year and a new look for my blog? Haha, I don't know. I get bored so easily and I'm always changing stuff. I'm a weirdo. And yes, that is another picture I took. Nehehehe......I'm not a phtographer, and I realize that everytime I see the pictures I take but it's still so much fun. Who knows, perhaps one day I will become good at it.

Well, today was fairly boring. I woke up at nine in the morning so I was happy, but because I didn't get out of bed right away I went back to sleep and woke up at 10-11ish....fail! O_o I took a shower, had breakfast/lunch, and now I'm doing laundry which is good! Now I can see another square foot or so of carpet in my room. Even then, I like doing laundry. I don't know why, but it's one of my favorite chores to do. I suppose because there is a dance move called "The washing machine" and also I love it when my clothes are done drying and I take them out right away and the clothes are nice and warm and soft. That might be the reason. That or I enjoy being clean.....although my room and bathroom aren't testimonies to that. -_- Uggggh, I have so much to do before school starts. I still need to buy books, I have errands to run and I need to clean more. >.<

Along with that I've been listening to Owl City all day. I love Owl City, haha, well, I love his lyrics. They're so poetic and just very pretty, haha.

Along with my productive, or rather, unproductive day, I did a lot of thinking. I was thinking about Vista and life. I want to move away from SoCal, I think, or just rather the cities I've grown up in. Sure everything I love is here, family, friends, my church, and all that good stuff, but I don't know if I want to live here forever. Vista will always be home no matter what. I was raised here, but even a young bird must leave her nest at some point. Perhaps when I go off to a university I'll be able to figure out what I'm going to do. I do however know that where ever I go, if my heart is there, home will be there too. Isn't that what matters most?

So tonight is community groups. I'm teaching the kids about prayer.......I hope it goes well. I love teaching those kids. I hope that if they learn anything from me (and Jakob), I hope they learn love. The love of Christ, the love for others, and just how to have a good time, haha.

Well, I think I should end this blog now. Jaymie is talking to me, and the voices in my head are not strong enough yet to block her out.

>.>

<.<

I loves herrr! :DDD

Best friend.

And Sister? O_o

One Wicked Sweet Dream!

2010-01-02T23:32:00.000-08:00

It may seem like it is a tad late to be blogging about a dream I had nearly 24 hours ago, but I finally have time to share it! Bahahaha, *nerd*.

Well, in my dream....I don't even know where to start! It's just awesome! -___-

The dream had to do with two types of people (besides humans...but humans weren't important in this dream), vampires and ninja-like people. I don't know what the ninja-like people were...perhaps human. So there were these two groups of people. The vampires in my dream could go out in the daytime but for only very short periods of time before something bad happens to them. I suppose they drank blood too, but I don't remember that detail. I just knew they were vampires. In this dream the vampires were like, the top of the top, like royalty in a social hierarchy.

Next came the ninja-like people. I don't remember if they were human or not, but I knew they were special. These ninja-like people were special because there was something about them that made them "the chosen ones" among the vampires (not to eat!), so in a way they were second in the social-hierarchy scale because their job was to be partners to vampires, guardians and best friends (I know my dream sounds a lot like Vampire Academy by Richelle Mead, but it was different). These "chosen people" are trained to to be exceptionally skilled fighters and are very intelligent..so yeah ninja-like.

In the dream I was a ninja-like person. I don't remember if my vampire-person was a male or female, I think it was a male though. Anyway, so my partner and I had joined this organization for good because the world had gone into turmoil and evil groups of vampires/ninja-like people were plotting earth's destruction and trying to take it over.

So my partner and I walked into this large room that felt like a warehouse with no windows and there were other partnered people who were sizing each other up and mingling and some just stood together. My partner and I walked around for a little bit trying to get familiar with faces when I bumped into someone. Stuttering an apology I tried to laugh to release tension. I looked up and staring down at my was a vampire with long-ish dark hair and deep deep deep brown eyes. He, like all the other vampires and ninja-like people, was wearing black (Somehow the ninja-like people were wearing something or looked a certain way that it was easy to tell them apart from the vampires if they were exceptionally pale, and the vampires looked a certain way that made them easily distinguishable to the ninja-like people and other vampires but not to humans). So this guy looked at me and was like "that's fine, I know it was an accident". Because I could not stop staring into his eyes I blushed and he took my hand and shook it. The first thing I noticed was that he had remarkably soft hands. He told me his name but I forgot it at this point.

I then noticed his partner a severe looking girl who was really really tiny but looked like she could kill five people without breaking a sweat. That, and she was very pretty. Okay, I'll admit that in this dream I was kinda tiny too, being at the same height, only I was very thin. but compared to this girl, I felt very ungraceful and unruly. My vampire, knowing that I started to feel very uncomfortable, tried to save the moment by distracting her but it didn't work out very well.

Then the dream continued and somehow, that vampire who I suppose I had a crush on in the dream was paired with my vampire and me and another group with a vampire girl and a big burly ninja-like person, so we became a unit. Other units were formed and this warehouse place became our headquarters. My unit and I were then assigned to this place, I don't know what state we were in, but apparently there was activity there with evil ninja/vampire groups attacking the humans.

So my unit was assigned to this area with a large university, about the size of CSU Long Beach, but with an old feeling to it because it had brick walls and all that fun stuff.

The unit didn't have a set leader, everyone just worked together. It was only that girl and me who had real issues. My vampire person, which I now think was a guy, had a crush on the vampire girl so they were always together. As time went on the vampire guy who I first bumped into and me fell in love. I found out that he, despite his tough-looks was a sweet-heart who prefered not to fight and spent his time doing this like writing or drawing and stuff. His partner, he knew, had a long-time crush on him since they first met as children but he just saw her as a close friend and nothing more even though he tried to like her.

Because I was annoyed by the girl and jealous of her I tried to work harder to be a better partner to my vampire and more valuable to my unit because I knew I lacked a bit. The burly guy who was partnered to the vampire girl attempted to help me become stronger and he taught me weaponry and distance stuff. The girl who didn't like me would make fun of me and say that I was a liability to the unit which made me work harder. Eventually I did get stronger.

Time went on in the dream and eventually our unit became one of the best in the organization;and more groups joined our cause. The girl and I eventually settled our differences, especially when her vampire and I got together. My vampire and I continued to be a team and he continued to date the vampire girl and whatnot.

Then in the dream, it was fall and we were still at the college-like place. The school was mostly abandoned except for a few stray people there and our unit was spread out through the campus. We had wire walkie-talkie things to communicate if necessary. I was by myself sitting on a ledge of a high window looking down at the ground when I felt something was wrong. Jumping from the high ledge I landed on my feet and began making a round on the area I was supposed to cover.

A few civilian humans, college students, walked past me and I smiled and acted as though I were normal and kept making rounds. Although I saw nothing I still had a bad feeling. I was just about to call for back-up from my unit when an enemy came out and attacked me.

We got into a fight and I noticed it was a vampire guy and a ninja-like guy attacking me. The vampire was the weaker one compared to his partner I assessed to I spent time on him hoping to beat him down easily to take care of the ninja-like person. That was a stupid mistake because I was suddenly grabbed from behind from the ninja-like guy. I pulled walkie-talkie and screamed into it for back-up but before I could really say anything he took the wire and yanked it off my body and broke it. He then began to pull me into a restroom. I saw the vampire person who I was dating run after me but he was stalled by the vampire who attacked me.

I remember being dragged into the bathroom thinking I was going to die and thinking how it was my fault that we failed when the vampire I was dating rushed in and rescued me.

Then I remember our unit had to report to headquarters...I don't remember why though...and that was the dream.

Pretty awesome if you ask me. Well, except for the part where I made a mistake.

"The Last Song" by Nicholas Sparks book review

2009-12-31T14:42:00.000-08:00

I am a sucker for Nicholas Sparks novels. I've only read a small handful of them, but I loved every one. He is easily one of my favorite authors. The Last Song, his latest novel, has become one of my favorite novels.

Just like his earlier novel A Walk to Remember, the main characters in this novel are teens fresh out of high school, so around the age of 18. The love interest is a girl named Veronica "Ronnie" Miller and a boy named Will Blakelee. In a way their story is typical, after reading many love stories, all stories become typical, but it is still very cute.

What I really liked about this book is how Sparks found a way to incorporate God into the novel. This book is about second chances and forgiveness and doing the right thing even when it is tough. That is a great universal lesson for everyone in every age group. Also, Sparks did a great job in showing the Biblical version of love in this novel. I thought that was pretty spectacular. =]

Another thing that really struck me in this novel was how it reminded me of my dad. Of course it made me cry, but at the same time it was a very beautiful.

While reading this novel I pictures certain actors in my mind knowing that this book is in production to being a movie. However, once I went on Nicholas Sparks's website I found out Miley Cyrus is to play Ronnie in the movie that will be coming out soon. Needless to say I was very disappointed at the thought of that. Oh well...it should prove to be an interesting movie then!

And, obviously, I highly recommend this novel. :DD

"Cry of the Icemark" by Stuart Hill book review

2009-12-31T14:29:00.000-08:00

Cry of the Icemark is one of the true fantasy novels I've truly read. In this novel there are talking Snow Leopards, vampires, werewolves, and warlocks. In this novel a 14-year-old girl becomes Queen of the country of Icemark and must protect her small kingdom from the invading force of the Empire. In order to do so she builds alliances with mythological creatures, creatures she herself did not believe to be real until she encounters them.

The young queen, Thirrin, is described as a short-tempered girl, and throughout the novel Hill does a could job at keeping her in character. Thirrin remains short tempered throughout the entire novel and is described to be a good Queen. However, I think that Hill did not put much emotion into her...well less emotion than other female protagonists I've read about. This book also, along with fantasy, is about war and strategy and such. After reading it, I believe that "The Empire" that invades other countries resembles the Roman Empire. It was a good novel to read, and it was different from what I normally read so that was quite refreshing.

This novel left the impression that if I were to take away anything after reading this book I should take away the lesson that "miracles happen" and friendship is true strength?

I would recommend it. =]

Ho Hum and a Bottle of Rum

2009-12-20T22:20:00.000-08:00

You know, I don't know why people enjoy drinking so much....especially pirates. What's so great about rum. Really? It smells gross...then again, perhaps I have a really strong gag reflex. Huh, who knows. I don't!

Second random point to make...isn't Owl City amazing? I think they (he?) are/is. Whenever I listen to his music (like now!) I have a sudden desire for it to be summer break and for it to be the middle of the night. I desire this because I just imagine myself lying in an open meadow, sometimes with friends, sometimes by myself just staring at the vast indigo/deep blue sky littered with a million stars and there's a nice breeze too. Wowzers, I'm such a dork, haha. =p

Anyway, that's not the reason for the blog, but those were two random things I had to say. Well, anyway, today was quite fun. =]

This morning I went to first service because at second service I am the Sunday school teacher in the two-year old room. The sermon was good, I stayed awake for it, thanks to God. It was funny in a way, me being so tired. I was just thinking about how the Enemy could attack me, and I suppose he has been doing it already. The arguments with the people closest to me, the lame working schedule, and me nodding off during Dale's preaching. I suppose I never thought things like that could really happen to me, or at least not in ways like this...because..this just seems so...small, I guess. I plan on doing the 7 days of prayer thing. Hopefully that goes over well. I think it should...As for the attacks, I just gotta look to Jesus! I mean, really. I still struggle with anger and jealousy and other stupid negative emotions that I'm fairly good at keeping buried (meaning I don't lash out), so Satan was able to play that card on me. And also the working schedule, that was a dirty trick. This will technically be the first Christmas Mommy and I spend together (the last years I don't really count because she was asleep and I spent the hours curled up in myself) and I have to work...especially on New Year's Eve/Day. Also my wandering thoughts and sleepy mind. I love Dale's sermons, sure I can't remember them word for word, but I really like hearing them and taking what he has to say to heart and the enemy was trying to use that against me today by making me soooo sleepy. -_- Well I took a nap, so ha! Beat that Satan! Owned! :DDDD Plus another first service note, today a lady asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I responded "genuine love from friends and family is enough". I realized as I said that...it was true, all I want is just a simple hug (a real one, not the one armed hugs!) and a "happy Christmas, I love you" from the bottom of a friend's/family member's heart is enough for me...but it sounds so selfish...I guess it is because I am so insecure and dependent..because I cannot find good in myself. ._.

>.> Well, that was a weird paragraph...anyway, so after first service, second service rolled around and I was with the babies. Normally Mike, my teaching partner, is there somewhat later than me and today I heard the music start and I'm like "O_O...Mike? *sad*". Cj failed to tell me the Porters' are out of town so I was like "No! I can't do this by myself!". Cj asked me if there was anyone I knew who I could do this with and I said Jakob because he is always with me during Community Groups and he's good with kids and I felt comfortable around him. Cj told me to go get him, I was like "No, you get him. If you go, it looks more official and important". So Cj went, Jakob came, and it went well....-______-''' Ugggh, yeah, it went well...haha. But I think, since Mike is leaving in February, Jakob said he'll be my partner for a while, which is great! So, yeah, Sunday School went somewhat well..I changed a poopy diaper and ran into a door...

Tonight was the College Group Christmas party, I had fun there! It was a White Elephant Exchange so I ended up with the bow and arrow...and ended up trading last minute for the clock, which will be Delaine's Christmas gift (shh! Don't tell!), bahaha. I realized I like talking to guys. It irked me somewhat. I'm not too bothered by it...I'm only weirded out by it when I notice. But..there's something about girls that make me uncomfortable (wow, I sound....bi...). Like, I feel like I'm being subjected to scrutiny more so than with a guy. -_- So yeah, party was fun!

Now I'm home. I uploaded pictures a while ago....they make me happy. :D

Yep.

I was thinking about life...again. The usual stuff. I wish I was gifted with an artistic talent. As I sit here in my chair, in front of my laptop, listening to Beethoven and Owl City, I ponder about life. I could be doing something so much more....useful to the world. But I don't have talents like that, haha. Sad day. But right now I'm wondering is all my big dreams will come true. I'm somewhat determined, but there are so many smarter, more deserving, more...more...just more better minds out there and it is hard to compete with all of that. I want my Master's, but am I intelligent enough to get it? I have so much more thinking to do about life. Especially about..well..

just...one of my dreams I need to give to God. Haha. Maybe in a few years I'll be able to laugh at myself. I hope I can. =]

I saw the Princess and the Frog. It was a good movie. I liked this princess movie because it showed that love is really what everyone needs. You can be this super hard worker as determined as a Japanese kid applying for the top high schools and colleges in their countries (was that racist? If it was, I'm sorry..-_-), but without love that work will not fill any holes in the heart. =\

Yep. That's life.

Ho hum and a bottle of rum. =]

A Little Bit Longer and I'll Be Fine

2009-12-15T22:53:00.000-08:00

All's well that ends well.
This is the beginning of the end.
A single stepping stone in a life time of stones.

Today was the last day of school, yayness! I had my Psycholgy and Math final today. Ehhh...I'm not very excited to see my grades. I have high B's in all of my classes (except math), so I should do well overall I hope. Either way, I'm just thankful for these few weeks of break. =]

I'm also quite happy because I have a job (seasonal, most likely), so that'll keep my busy for the time between breaks so I don't get too lazy. I work at Target as a cashier, haha! I actually really like the job. I like talking to customers, it's fun. I don't like working the sales floor though. When I'm on the floor I just pretty much make things look presentable. I don't like the job because I don't know where anything is which makes me feel bad whenever a customer asks me where something is. >.< January 1, 2010. Yikes! It's already going to be 2010! The year went by so fast! Geebus! I'm sure they're only going to go by faster...So yeah, no community groups. That's fine, I get a bit of a break, haha. I bought my kids gifts. I guess I tried to make the gifts go with their personalities....well, at least I tried to, haha. For Marlena, I got her a gift card to Borders because I know she likes to read. For Nathan I got him a Peanuts calendar. For Kyle, I got him a Garfield calender...I pretty much got the boys calenders because I don't know what boys like, haha. Girls are soooo much easier to shop for! For Mia, I got her this really colorful bead necklace and braclet because she has such a loud personality. For Riley I got her this turtle thing that makes noise, and for Kaylee I got her this cool-looking journal. Natalie helped me pick out the gifts. I hope the kids like them...that's part of the reason I told them they had to wait until Christmas to open them, haha. I also bought Christmas gifts for friends as well. I think there are a couple more people I have to shop for, but I don't know what to get them! For some, I feel obligated to buy gifts because they have either bought something for me already or I talk to them a lot and I'm giving gifts to everyone close to me....neh, can I just be super rich please? Tonight instead of doing a lesson with the kids it was just a Christmas dinner thing with the group. That was interesting. I twitched involuntarily and uncontrollably when Jakob messed with the kids minds. It was annoying. For the most part though I sat and listened to the kids tell stories and it amused me. Mia was very loud, of course. She kind of reminds me of Jaymie in a way. Very quick to answer a question in my lesson and always there with a story. If it's not her it's Marlena...I think she reminds me of me because she has this interesting personality that's slightly harsh...haha. I love them. After dinner the adults ate and Jakob and I took the kids upstairs to watch The Prince of Egypt. I like that movie a lot. It was a great childhood movie. Then Jakob and I started talking about pagers because of a commercial on TV when Marlena asked me "what's a pager". I was like "oh gosh I'm old!"....yep.

So community groups...break time! For the next couple of weeks I'm looking at work. I need to copy down my schedule for next week again, haha...unless if I can find it. O.o

Ugggh...tonight went terribly. I let my emotions get the better of me, again. Faaaaail. I hate it when that happens. Mostly because I'm an assuming and negative mind, I think harshly. I don't know....Tonight I sat there and goodness I wanted to cry. No, I'm not on my period. I just wanted to curl into a ball and cry, which was bad..and I think that only happened because my mind takes things to the next level (sometimes it's not always bad. But tonight was kinda negative. What I mean by next level is, example, this happened today with Natalie.
Me: So I should by that penguin book and save it
Nat: yep for your wedding night!
me: yep! So after my husband reads it, it's like "okay! Let's consummate our marriage! Wow...I did not need to take it to this level....). I kinda wrote a poem...or not really...it's just this little thing that's really really bad and ugly, haha, but I will finish off this post with what I wrote.

I think I'm so rash because I lie to myself. A lot. Maybe because he's different. Uggh, I hate blogging about him because it just shows me how pathetic I am and how I try to deny a lot of that pathetic..ness...T_T But, what the flyingflipping heck, I'm going to blog it out.

He's so different from a lot of my friends. It disturbs me and angers me and makes me so annoyed. With a lot of friends I know they love me, they've told me, and there's something in their actions that show me that they love me. But with him, he's neutral...he's cold. It is so hard to understand his feelings. Maybe it is because I try to demand things from him without saying them out-right.

But tonight was another emotional snap, I think...but not an angry one. We were arguing a lot tonight and for some reason, I could not take it. So all in all, I screwed up royally. The arguing was how it normally is, and things were just fine and...better than fine, but I just screwed it up with my freaking emotions gah. Maybe it is a good thing he will go off to some big university sometime soon. Because I'm a terrible person I hoped he would stay close to home, but I realize...that whole story with the two mothers and the baby, the mother that was not the baby's true mother was willing to let the king cut the baby in half, but the true mother sacrificed her child and said let the other woman have it so her baby wouldn't be killed.

Maybe it's like that. I don't him to go far away because I'm terribly selfish and a part of me is still a child and holding, hoping, and praying for something impossible. But the part of me that grows up realizes that because I love him I need to let him go.

Yep.

But tonight....was bad. And it happened with an audience, so of course I was embarrassed. I did what he hates the most, but at the time I wanted to evoke some emotion in him. Something definite...only because I am so insecure. I'm glad I won't be seeing him for a while...but at the same time I'm scared. I did something stupid. What if I ruined what I desired in the first place? I'm scared because with someone like him things can go either way. *sigh*...tonight's episode is a major FML.

Anyway...as promised, I will close with what I wrote:

Can you feel my heart way over here

the pain and yearning from being so near.

Every word I take to heart,

keeping it locked like treasured art.

Can you feel me so close to you,

pleading and praying for a relationship, new?

When you look at me, what do you see,

do you see another face, or do you see me?

See? Suuuuper corny and dumb, haha.

...And tomorrow New Moon with Juliet in the morning! Haha...

"The Time Traveler's Wife" by Audrey Niffenegger book review

2009-12-11T11:23:00.000-08:00

The Time Traveler's Wife is such a beautiful story! It's a favorite, that's for sure! Before I read this book I had already seen the movie, and, of course, movies are never as good as the books. Now that I have finished the book, I still think the book was better (of course), but the movie was pretty good too. =]

The characters in this book are interesting; each character has their own personality that is so believeable and real. Compared to other books I have read, the characters that Niffenegger created are very original. Clare is not a helpless or psycho-independent female, and Henry is not a prince perfect knight in shinning armor, he's just an agerage librarian who happens to be a time traveling sex-addict. Each character has their flaws (big and small) that make them believable, as though you'd expcet to see this person walking down the street.

I enjoyed the way the author told the story, how she switched between point-of-views. Also when telling this story, for obvious purposes, Niffenegger used a chronological time-line to help the reader understand where Henry is, whether it be past, present, or future. One thing I really like specifically was the way the author incorporated real events into the novel, such as the 9/11 terrorist attacks.

Only a couple of things made me uncomfortable when reading this book. One BIG thing was the intimacy between Henry and Clare that Niffenegger wrote, and also the relationship between Gomez and Clare. Those couple of things irked me...but I suppose it was necessary in keeping the book original and believable.

Obviously, time was a theme in this book. Time and waiting. When I finished the book I began to think about Clare and how she is always waiting for Henry, even at the end. It made me wonder about myself. In a way, I can relate to Clare's waiting but in two different ways. As a girl she waited on Henry to visit her in the clearing, but she also waited on him to notice her, I suppose. That is something I can easily (>.<) relate to, haha. Heck, any girl can relate to that, waiting on that stupid boy to notice them. Also in the end, when Clare decided she'd still wait on Henry, it turned into a different kind of waiting. She knew he would come, she just didn't know when. That waiting is something I, and I'm sure others, can relate to, but maybe not in the same way. Clare knew Henry would come some day, but when, she wasn't sure. For a lot of girls, and even guys too, it's the same. A lot of people wait on "the one". They know he or she will come, but when they will come is unknown, so they simply wait. Clare is a different case because she knows Henry. O_o

All in all, this book was really good, it's a favorite (despite awkward moments), and maybe one day I'll re-read it....bahaha...recommended! :D

My Dreams Are Bursting at the Seams

2009-12-07T22:04:00.000-08:00

I am a drop in the ocean. In a crowd of a million people, I am a faceless and nameless passerby that you will forget after your eyes have scanned over me. I am average. I make B's in school with the occasional A. I am the girl who smiles at you when you're walking down the street. That's a real smile too, because I am happy to be alive and I want you to feel that happiness too, but you're just another person who will look and look away so you don't have to smile. I'm the girl who sings when she walks to her car, and the girl who dances when leisurely walking gets boring.

I am insignificant to a million people. I am nothing to them. I don't have a soapbox to stand on, and I don't have a special talent that can touch many.

But when I die, today I understand that I can be...proud of all that I accomplished. I put a smile on the faces of those whom I love. I comforted the fears of children who looked to me for guidance. I was compassionate to those who needed to know they weren't alone. I held the hands of many who needed to know that someone was on their side. I listened to the voices that yearned to be heard. I worshipped and cried tears of joy when You set my soul afire. I saw beauty in things some couldn't see. I showed love to everyone I could.

When you're old and gray and/or are in the last few days before your breath ceases, what can you say you accomplished?

There are many who are more significant than I. There are those who people are always following and watching and listening to. There are those who are at the top of the top, the best of the best, the cream of the crop. Many of those people die without knowing true joy.

I am not saying all of this to boast or to be proud, but this is in fact, something that amazes me. I don't do much. I'm lazy as heck, I want to curl into myself and hide in my imaginary turtle shell when I meet someone new, and I usually prefer the company of books to people. I amazed that I accomplish so much.

How did this happen? How could such as wretched, insignificant, lowly creature such as myself do all this?

Well, boys and girls, I did nothing. It was all God. Look at what he has done with me.

My prayer, one of the many prayers, has always been for Him to use me, some way, some how. When I pray, I scream to Him, "God, here I am! Right here, God! Look, use me! Me, Lord!" Somehow, because I am still a child at heart, I dream that maybe I'll make a name (or rather, God will make a name for me), that after my body has returned to the earth from which I was created that my name will live on. A girl, a woman, who glorified God with all that she was. She changed the hearts of many. She left a big impression. My child-like self dreamt, and sometimes still dreams that.

But I am humbled to find that my prayer has and is coming true still. Sure, people across the world do not know my name, heck, few remember me because I curl into myself, but, I have changed lives because of God. Without Him, I am insignificant and lack a purpose. With Him, I am a most dazzling precious treasure, and that, kidlings, is hard to believe.

But, at this time, I still remember I am young. Just barely an adult of 18...so yes, still a child in many ways. I do believe there is more I can do for God. There is more left that He has planned. He's not through yet.

That excites me. That makes me smile. It also gets me thinking about who I am, how my personality has been molded. I love kids. I squeal at the sight of a baby and seeing one smile melts my heart. When I watch a movie of this adult couple going through a terrible divorce, sure, my heart breaks for them, but I am constantly thinking, "the kids. What about the kids?!" I can't stand to see people genuinely hurt. I can't stand tears; I wish it was me instead of them. I don't like sadness in other people, I can't stand it. I love unconditionally, I love everyone I meet (despite curling into a mental fetal position when meeting someone new and preferring books to people). I am a hopeless romantic.

All of those...well, maybe not the last one, can be used to glorify God. I can't wait to see what He does with that. Three or four years ago I never imagined myself on the road to becoming a social worker, I was set on being a writer, but here I am, my first semester of college nearly done, and on the path of social service. Wow...and I thought it was all me, but now I see it was God.

I still love writing, it's a great passion and source of happiness, but today, I know that if my intent was still set on writing I know I would not fully be satisfied. Sure, I'd be doing a passion, but I be doing it out of pride, not glorification for God.

Wowzers. God's so mysterious and great. I wish I could understand all that He is and all that He does, but I can't!

=]

Wow, just wow.

Thanks, God. Thank You for everything.

Last night I dreamed..

2009-12-07T18:44:00.000-08:00

...and it made me laugh, but at the same time, quite sad.

In the dream I listened to you talk on the phone with her. I was annoyed by the way she made you laugh. And in the dream you were supposed to dance with me, but instead you decided last minute, she'd be the one you'd dance with instead.

Then the dream changed to you and me. I was just waking up, but I was on the phone with you. You were just waking up too. I don't remember who called who, but we were talking and it was raining outside (I think this only happened because I was just about to wake up in real life and it was raining outside =p). I remember snuggling into my blanket in the dream, knowing I did not have school later so I could relax, and I remember you telling me a story and I smiled because I was hearing your voice. I remember talking with you for a while, I didn't make you laugh as much as she made you laugh, but I had the feeling you never stopped smiling when I was talking to you. Then I asked you about a dance, already knowing that she had taken my place, and I don't remember your answer, but I had a sense of dancing in the rain.

Then I was in class, listening to a lecture when the teacher suddenly started talking about you, and a girl who is going to a university out of state sat next to me in the dream and she said that every big school wanted you and you were going to do big things. And she said to let you be you, and eventually you would come back to me. I remember laughing in the dream at the ridiculous notion that you were known at a school you didn't even attend.

O_o oh what a dream.

I can't believe you didn't want to be my dance partner anymore. >.<

Opinionated.

2009-12-03T16:40:00.000-08:00

Lately I've been thinking about people, myself, and life in general...but that's not new. However, recently I have been pondering on the idea of opinions. People are very opinionated, no matter what. In a way, people are biased, some more strongly than others.

Looking at myself, I believe I am somewhat opinionated. I don't know how biased I am though. Maybe because I am not very self-assured. I consider myself flexible, constantly changing, and altruistic (and become more so every day!). If I look at where I am today and where I was a few months ago and where I was a year ago I can see many changes in myself. My core values are always the same, those are some things I am highly opinionated on.

But for other things, when I observe people, I suppose...I am weak compared to them...I'm using the term "weak" for a lack of a better adjective. When I listen to friends, family, and classmates talk, many of them are very self-assured, very "I'm right. This it what is right!". When talking with said friends and family and classmates, I find myself easily swayed, or highly likely to question what I do believe. Occasionally I will get into an debate with a person if they think differently or are wrong (two VERY different things!), but eventually I do back down because the person's will is usually stronger than mine and I'm tired of fighting.

Sometimes I wish I could be like that. I wish I could be as forward with my thoughts and what makes me, me. I don't know. Maybe it's because I lack a certain confidence a lot of other people have, and maybe I'm still child-like in the way I think...maybe I'm just shy. I don't know.

I am slightly envious of those who can defend themselves and their opinions with such vigor. It's refreshing and amusing...amusing in a good way. It's nice to see that people have their own minds and will readily defend what they think. I hope that I will be able to become more strong-willed and capable to be just as open as they are too. :]

"Forget December"

2009-12-02T20:09:00.000-08:00

"It won't be better

than I remember it before

And this month only

would be so lonely

And not so holy anymore.....

On Christmas morning

Outside was pouring

It was hopeless in this home..."

Happy December!

Is it? Is it really?

December, as of late, has been a pretty dismal month for me, which is funny. Well, not really. It was only recently that I decided that Christmas is my favorite holiday. I love the Christmas/New Year season. Everyone is so happy, there are smile everywhere and the it's just so romantic. The lights are beautiful, the weather is colder, and except the for grinches and ba-humbugs, everyone just seems to be in a better mood. It's a great feeling. I especially love the Christmas story about Jesus! :D That's a favorite, of course. =] <3

But, at the same time, this time of year has been hard on me for the past two years going on 3 this year. December 2007 was a bad time for me because two things happened: 1. I had lost my then-best friend 2.That's when the complications with Dad truly began, or rather, the end began. Both of which still effect me today (well, more so, that Dad part). Since then, December/January has been a blue month for me. Some days it felt like I was going through the motions of happiness. Family's here! Yay put on a smile! Christmas party with friends! Yes, smile and be attentive! New Year's party! Yay, smile again! Well, I am happy for the most part, but all the while in the back of my head, I'm just thinking of all the things that happened in the past years. I wonder if I did the right thing. I pray that Dad's watching me. I miss him so much.

You know, before 2007, Christmas was always an interesting time for me. It was Dad and me and my brothers and sisters, Mom worked, and even then, I was never with her. ._. I am a terrible person. Anyway, I was happy on Christmas. I asked for no gifts but family insisted and I just said money to make people stop asking. I didn't have presents to unwrap because of that, but that was okay, I was content with hugs and cards of money. I was happy watching everyone open gifts. I was happy to see that Dad was smiling and singing and opening his presents. I will always remember the hours that Dad and I spent Christmas just the two of us before we went out to a brother's or sister's house. Dad always felt so bad because we didn't have a tree, because he couldn't wrap a present for me. To this day, I don't care. Sure, I love Christmas tress, stockings, and ornaments, but that's not what made me happy. It was Dad. He tried. He did what he could. He never failed to tell me that the greatest gift of all for him was me (after Jesus, of course), Christmas or not. And the first year I spent Christmas without him and without the family I sat in the living room at my mom's house while she slept the entire time. I did nothing but sit.

December is a hard month on me. Today, it's not as bad, but sometimes I still feel the pain of not having Dad there. But, I'm still here, so is Mom. I can make it good for her, right?

Haha, I do know, that when I have my family, my kids are going to be sick of holidays. I want to decorate. I want them to experience the joy of being with friends and family in a loving environment. And I want them to know that they will be my greatest gifts for Christmas and for the rest of the year.

Well, the greatest gifts after the gift of salvation. :]

"You are my reason for Breathing"

2009-11-29T21:57:00.000-08:00

I'm not talented.

I'm just...not. Haha.

I can't draw, I'm a mediocre writer at best, I can't play an instrument, I can't cook, I can't can't can't sing and I don't think I can dance. I sure as HECK cannot take pictures.

I fail at all of the above things. But, you know what? It makes me happy! So what I'm not a DaVinci, or a Jane Austen, or a Mozart, or a Julia Child, or a Hannah Montana (she can sing and dance, so I'm using her! >_<), or a really good phtographer who I can't think of. I'm not good at those things, but it makes me happy. I love drawing stick figures and doodles all over my notes. I love trying to sketch something when I feel creative. I love writing with imagery. I love..well..I love music. I cook with love to please who I'm cooking for, that's the secret ingredient I learned from my Dad. I loving belting out a song, and I love studying dance/dancing in general! I love capturing the beauty in the world when I get a chance.

I know I complain A LOT about where I am. About how much I hate the sun. About how cold it gets. About how this how that, how everything. But in the end, I realize how much I like it (well...not those super sweltering hot days >.<>

And I'm going to capture and honor Him for his awesome perfection (who He is, and what He made) by drawing, by cooking, by singing, by dancing, by writing, and yes, by photography. I'm not trying to please anyone...well, maybe a little, but all in all, I'm going to do what I love so long it is right in his eyes.

And here's a somethingorotherwhatnotthing that I wanted to write. :)

The sun was just setting behind the vast ocean, turning the sparkling blue water into a majestic blue and green. Despite the hot day in good ol' Southern California the wind blew, creating the perfect breeze.

Shrugging on my black jacket I pulled the sleeves into my hands and joined my friends conversation. Today, I don't remember what we were talking about, but I do remember it was funny. When conversation died and the other kids moved on to play Frisbee or volleyball or sit and chat, I glanced out to the water that beckoned me. My eyes fell upon a boy sitting back on his elbows looking out at the sea. He was alone. Knitting my eyebrows together momentarily I made a face, wondering if he was okay. Perhaps he was just one of those anti-social people.

Shrugging my shoulders indifferently I walked in his direction, but not toward him. Sitting several feet away from him I drew my knees close to my body and looked out at the water, letting a hand idly sift through cold sand. Smiling to myself I closed my eyes and thanked God. Thanked God for the beach, for being where I was that summer day, and for good friends.

Opening my eyes I noticed movement from the peripheral vision. Turning my head I looked at the boy with the oddly dyed hair who had gotten up. His eyes met mine for a moment.

"Uhm, hi," I said in a lame and awkward voice, offering the smallest of smiles. I was still new and other people intimidated me. I did however, keep eye-contact with the boy, partly because I was jealous of the color contrasts of our eyes (I was dark where he was light), partly because he was oddly intriguing, and partly because I enjoy keeping eye-contact with people.

Offering a smile he repeated a "hello" as he dusted the sand off his jeans.

Little did I know he would mean so much to me later.

Before I could think of anything else as the boy walked away a friend came and sat beside me, looping her arm through mine, making me smile again at the blessing of friends.

"Tempted" by P.C. and Kristin Cast

2009-11-28T01:28:00.000-08:00

Tempted is the latest installment in the brilliant House of Night series. Having just finished it, I can truthfully say it is definitely a favorite book and series. I did however hate the cliffhanger at the end of this book! Ugggh! Terrible!

Anyway, the thing I like most about this series it the writing. The Casts are excellent writers. I can say this because when reading this book, I am easily emotionally attached to Zoey and all the other characters. Although my life is nothing like Zoey's, I can feel all her heartache and frustration. I love it when a book can do that to me! I especially felt the emotions in this recent installment. When Erik became a jerkface I was annoyed. And the whole Heath/Stark thing, I could also feel her emotions with those two. I love it!

The only thing (well, things), I don't particularly like so much about the series is the writing style and religion. The writing style is great and the characters have been given a lot of personality in the books, but honestly...I don't know teens that talk in the fashion that that Casts have scripted for their characters. So, it's fun to read, but sometimes it gets kind of annoying.

And another big big BIG thing that gets to me is the religion..Nyx and goddesses and all that fun stuff. Yeah no. I like learning about religions, but I believe the Casts have woven their own religion for this series. It makes me a bit uncomfortable because I am so devoted to my own faith, but I still read. I guess it is really cool that Zoey is so devoted to her goddess and her emotion for Nyx is so powerful and passionate..but while I read, I can't help but thing "Ahhh! You should be believing in God!"

Yeah, I think those are the only things that irk me.

A definite recommended book! It's excellent! =]

"Nightmare's Edge" by Bryan Davis book review.

2009-11-24T21:02:00.000-08:00

Just finished reading Nightmare's Edge by Bryan Davis, the final book in his Echoes from the Edge trilogy. It was a good book, but it seemed kind of anti-climatic in a way. Then again, that's just me.

I really enjoyed his series though. I love how the fate of the world rests in the hands of those who play music, but ultimately in the hands of God. That's the great part. =] But, overall, after reading his trilogy, my favorite part would always have to be whenever he mentioned Nathan and Kelly. The idea of dancing together for eternity, and that Nathan looked beyond her past. That was a great thing in the book.

A highly recommended series. =]

Of Course You Can

2009-11-11T20:37:00.000-08:00

I never thought it was possible to become physically ill like I am right now. It's something you read about in books. How the stomach knots all of a sudden and the character becomes physically ill. Nope, that's never happened to me before. But, I can't say that anymore. Well, it's a shocking feeling...I don't like it. =p

Well, I've done some serious thinking in the past half hour. I'm a little girl with little girl thoughts that needs to grow up and face the real world.

Fairy tales don't exist.

They aren't real.

Plain and simple.

But life does go on. Oh yes, it does...and so painfully does it.

Maybe I'm throwing a silent tantrum right now. This illness is a result of it. But, I need to grow up. I need to take my heart back and give it back to You. It was fun regressing, but really, it's time to stop.

Face what's never going to happen. Face what's going to happen.

I hate where I am right now. I hate this state of being. I hate surprises, I ahte not knowing. Heck, I hate not knowing if I'm going to get my classes or not next week. I hate not knowing what I'm doing for Christmas. I hate not knowing what's going to happen tomorrow in English class. I don't like being the one surprised. I hate not knowing if my dreams will come true or not. I'm sick of my heart hurting and it's all my fault. I'm sick of crying over somethin I can change. I'm sick of being selfish, and yet I will continue ranting on selfishly because I can and because I'm letting everything out. I'm sick of it all. I haven't been sick of life and tired of living in a while, but today has broken that streak. I want to go to sleep tonight and not wake up to face tomorrow. I'm done, I'm over it.

Can't you see God, how much I need you?

Of course. I'm stupid. You can.

I've grown up learning that nothing I do will ever be hidden from you, I learned that you know me more than I know myself. But, God, do You really see every tear and care for each? Maybe it's my own stupid heart that's blocking you out just like fat is blocking the good blood from getting to my heart. Do you really see my throat choking me as I try not to cry?

Of course You can.

Of course You know I mean nothing that I type, of course You know that I want to wake up tomorrow and within the week it'll be different and all will be right and happy with the world again.

Why can't I pray for days on end anymore?

You are the Alpha and Omega. The beginning and the end. Night and day. Everything. My hope, my dreams, my love. Everything. Perfect in every way possible.

But I am so imperfect and I screw up royally. A lot. And I know that as this rant ends. You'll take me back because You love me unconditionally.

And that is not fair.

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder...

2009-11-11T09:42:00.001-08:00

...but it could also make the heart forget. Quite a contradiction isn't it?"

What category will you fall under?
What category is she under?
What category will I go under?

It's a weird thing, how the heart works. Either way, I'm going to have to find out sometime, aren't I? Can I choose neither? If my heart were to grow fonder...then. Hmm, that'd be weird. But maybe that means I'd mellow with age.

If the heart forgets...that's worse. But that could be a good thing, actually. I mean, the heart will forget and then it will re-learn everything again, right?

Yes. It is indeed quite a contradiction, my friend.

When I Grow Up..

2009-11-05T18:19:00.000-08:00

...will I look back at this and laugh?

When I grow up will all of this be funny?
Will I remember it fondly?
Will we laugh at this ridiculousness?

"Smile" by Uncle Kracker

2009-11-02T17:30:00.000-08:00

"You're better then the best
I'm lucky just to linger in your light
Cooler then the flip side of my pillow, that's right
Completely unawareNothing can compare to where you send me,
Lets me know that it's ok, yeah it's ok
And the moments where my good times start to fade

You make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed, sing like bird
Dizzy in my head, spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Ohh, you make me smile

Even when you're gone
Somehow you come along
Just like a flower poking through the sidewalk crack and just like that
You steal away the rain and just like that

You make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed, sing like bird
Dizzy in my head, spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Ohh, you make me smile

Don't know how I lived without you
Cause every time that I get around you
I see the best of me inside your eyes
You make me smile
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild

Y make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed, sing like bird
Dizzy in my head, spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Ohh, you make me smile

"Smile" by Uncle Kracker is a super cute song. I mean, look at the lyrics, it's really cute! I totally picture a black and white video and when it goes to the chorus everything goes into color. It's be a really good song for one of those allergy commercials...what's that product called? Claretin Clear? Or something like that. It'd be a good song for that thing. :] It's also a cute song for a crush or something.

But I have to nit-pick this song. I love the lines of the chorus such as: "you make me smile like the sun...dizzy in the head...dance like a fool...you make me smile." That's really nice, I think. It's such an energizing thought, and it makes me smile because I'm smiling as I think about how someone makes me smile. This song is just one big smile.

But at the same time, I don't like lyrics like this: "You're better then the best I'm lucky just to linger in your light". I mean, they're creative lyrics, and I'm sure that it must be nice to know that someone does this to someone, but, at the same time. These lines should be all about God! It's funny to think that they aren't. Even my favorite lines should be about God. It's weird to think that he's not thinking about God. It's almost...blasphemy...ish. O.o To compare someone's light to God's. God gave that person the light that makes you smile. O_o

This is a cute love song, no doubt, but it's weird, what if the "you" breaks up with the "me", in the song? Will the "I" still be smiling? Nope! Does God break up with people? Nope!

See? This song should really be about God. Really, it should. :] God should be the reason we're "buzzing like a be" or "dancing like a fool" and He should be the reason for the smile. :]

Which brings me to another thought...How can someone not be completely in love with God? How can a love for another human being become one's god? I mean...neh. I don't want to get into it. I won't be able to reach a conclusion because I'll just be giving my questions more questions as answers soooo...I'd be going in this giant circle. >.<

So what did we learn today? This song isn't about God, but it's still super cute. It's great to think that someone does this to us, but so long as we remember that God is above all of this and He should be the real reason for the smiles, it's okay. :] "you makes me spin like a record and dance like a fool...you make me smile" <33

Yes, I totally procrastinated on homework. Uggh..I'll go do it. >__<

Boredom

2009-11-01T21:15:00.000-08:00

I am so bored. I missed out on college group tonight because I'm baby-sitting. Wheee. I'm sad I miss it because this means I'm missing it two weeks in a row. But at least I get a little money, right?

Yeah, well, I'm bored. The kids are asleep and I finished my homework early. I didn't think I'd to bring a book because I thought I'd be doing homework up until Cj and Jandy returned. But nope. I finished my homework early because I didn't have Internet distraction. Now I do. But I'm bored on-line. That's funny. Isn't the Internet supposed to kill boredom or something? Well, I don't know. All I know is that I'm going to be here until a little after midnight. I don't want to watch television because it looks like the Palmers' have a million channels and I'd get too engrossed by it, haha. I really like their house. It's definitely a tall person house, I'm not going to lie about that. Although Jandy isn't very tall. She's like 5'6'' I think. I don't gauge heights or distances or weights or anything along those lines very well.

So as they left, I briefly saw Caedon, their eldest child before he went to bed. Before they left he goes up to them individually and is all "Bye mom, love you. Bye Dad, love you". It's super cute. Normally ten-year-olds are so anti-parents. Or not completely...they just don't like hugging their parents. so yep. Super cute. =] Chayah and Cobyn were already asleep before I arrived. Haha, except for Jandy, everyone's names start with the letter "C". You know, I just thought of this tonight...what does "Cj" stand for? Hmm, I'll ask him when he comes back tonight!

Well, I'm on Skype with Natalie and Delaine. Natalie isn't talking to me, and Delaine and I just started creating a story....scratch that, Natalie just responded to me, so she's talking to me. Yep, haha.

So the baby monitor in Cobyn's room is really freaking me out here. I'm sitting in the room and it's really quiet and all of a sudden I hear deep breathing or the occasional whine. I know that Cadeon is sleeping in Cobyn's room tonight and Jandy told me that he used to have night terrors but he doesn't have them anymore. So I'm freaked out. I expect to hear psycho screaming coming from the upstairs. And my nap didn't help either. Everyone was texting me during my nap and I had a nightmare about baby-sitting the Palmer kids tonight. So bleh. I think I'm going to go check on the kids now...

...They are all fast asleep. Good.

Ugghh...can I not be human please? Can my emotions please just go die in a ditch? That's be great. That'd be super!

But they won't *sigh*.

Fail. Well...I'm going to go find something else to occupy my time.

I want to be...

2009-11-01T01:14:00.000-07:00

...who I used to be.

But wait, let me explain. I want to the positive things I once was. They used to call me graceful. They used to call me sweet. They used to call me elegant. They used to call me calm. I want to be all that again. I suppose I like who I am today to a certain extent: klutzy, spastic, and mm....unique, I suppose. But I don't like it at the same time. I'm not who I used to be.

What brought this up? Life. People in my life. People that make me think. There are certain people that I know that are just...grawr, rude. It's annoying. And well, I don't do anything about it. I get annoyed, and in my mind I just want to yell and snap and be rude to them back, but I'm not. And it got me thinking about who I used to be. I used to be this friendly (but super shy person..well, I'm still super shy-ish..) who was sweet to everyone. I was called "one of the nicest people ever". Today, I don't think I can be called that anymore. I sure as heck can't be called elegant or graceful anymore.

I think I want to go back to that. Hmm, how to do it though. Is it possible to grow up again?

My heart...

2009-10-27T23:32:00.001-07:00

...feels funny.

I feel...

...bubbly (damn, when I say the word bubbly I can't help but think of that song. >_<).

Mmmm...I don't like it!!

>.>

Seriously.

<.<

I don't like this smile that won't die. I don't like the giggles that escape my lips even as I type. I don't like the random out of no where blushes making my face red. I don't like any of it.

I hate it all.

Hate iiiitttt!

Because it's stupid.

Becase he doesn't deserve it.

HE deserves is. HE is Christ. He should be the bubbly feeling.

Crap. -____-

"Salem Falls" by Jodi Picoult book review

2009-10-27T23:09:00.000-07:00

This is another excellent book by Jodi Picoult! She did a really good job at re-creating a modern day witch hunt. In this book, Jack St. Bride, a former teacher at a private school, is accused of a heinous crime to which he must prove his innocence. However, proving one's innocence is difficult when one is new to a small town without crime. Believing in one's own innocence is also difficult without love beside a person.

This is a great book! I would recommend it to most people, haha. =]

Take your time, take what you need to, peace of mind should never leave you...

2009-10-24T20:46:00.000-07:00

Well, that was a super long title, but those are super great lyrics (FM Static...awesome band!!!)! :D Earlier today Jaymie, Natalie, Jon, and I got back from our trip to visit Jeff at Long Beach, Stephanie at Biola, and Kelli and Anna at Azusa.

I am SOOOOO freaking tired, my body is, but it was a very good trip. It was great seeing those campuses as well as our friends who are away.

First, we saw Jeff at CUSLB and we waited an hour just for him. In that time we got lunch and Jon met some of his friends at the school. Then when we finally see Jeff we got a tour of the campus. It's a nice campus...it's VERY big. We walked around it twice. And it was evil. Completely evil. I wish I was exaggerating but I'm not. My body hurts because of that campus, haha. But it was nice nonetheless.

Then we went to Biola to visit Stephanie. Biola is such a....darling campus! It's like...hmm..It's like a modern day fairytale! A modern day fairytale with a giant Jesus mural up a wall. O_o It's a really small campus compared to Long Beach and APU. Biola has only about 6 thousand students or so. It's such a fairytale campus because of it's size and there's just something about it that's just so...so...charming. I really enjoyed it though. It's really pretty. :] Hanging out with Steph was pretty fun too. We got dinner at Panera and then played Apples to Apples. Best game ever!

Then finally, we went to Azusa. I love that campus. I've been there once before and it is amazzzing. Both times we stayed with Anna and Kelli. This time they live in apartments that are part of the campus and the apartments are nice! I loved the way they decorated it(with the help of their other roomate). We went on a late-night adventure for doughnuts to which there were four of us in the backseat of Kelli's car...haha. Fun fun..then we watched "High School Musical 3"... :DD We spent last night at APU then today we went to the bookstore on the campus and Jaymie and I bought sweaters. Mine is bright pink and hers in lime green. Teehee. Then we came home.

It was a really good weekend...for the most part.....

but because of the evil of Long Beach, I don't know if I want to go there anymore, haha. I don't know. I have other campuses left to visit so we shall see, we shall see. But if I don't want to go to LB anymore, where do I want to go? That bugs me. I don't like NOT KNOWING what I'm going to do. I mean, I still want the major I want, but as for where I will complete it...ugggghh.

So I suppose the title of this entry and the line of the song is perfect. I still have time to ask God what's going to happen and what should I do and I just need to have peace....=]

17 Ways to like someone??

2009-10-20T22:47:00.000-07:00

Hmm..this is interesting...let's see then...do I have all 17 symptoms?

SEVENTEEN:You look at their profile constantly.
Mmm..no. He doesn't have a profile for anything...at least I don't think he does.

SIXTEEN:When you're on the phone with them late at night and they hang up, you still miss them even when it was just two minutes ago.
Eh...sorta. Depends. I smile a little more after the conversation than before we talked. I only miss that the conversation is over, haha.

FIFTEEN:You read their Texts and Ims Over and over again.
No..but I keep his words in my head over and over.

FOURTEEN:You walk really slow when you're with them.
No? I haven't noticed. I think I'm just really thrilled around him that I don't know if I'm slow or fast.

THIRTEEN:You feel shy whenever they're around.
Not anymore, haha. Well, that's actually debatable. I mean, I can talk around him. I can laugh, but I'm not really 100 percent me. Haha.

ELEVEN:When you think about them, your heart beats faster but slower at the same time.
Sometimes. Lately, I just get happy. :]

TEN:You smile when you hear their voice.
OH YEAH. BIG time.

NINE:When you look at them, you can't see the other people around you, you just see him/her.
No. Haha. Because I'm jealous of the other people around him...just kidding. But I do notice others because that's the way I am and it amuses me to see how he interacts with others too.

EIGHT:You start listening to slow songs while thinking about them.
No. Well...lately, yeah, but not slow songs. It's like "Huh, this song reminds me of him."

SEVEN:They're all you think about.
It may seem like it but no, I am not that shallow.

SIX:You get high just from their scent.
Bahahahahahahaha...<.< >.> ..^///^ He smells nice. Almost as good as me. No, better than me! :o

FIVE:You realize you're always smiling when you're looking at them.
Yeah, I do. Only he doesn't see it. Today he told me that I'm "never happy". To which I responded, "Nope, I'm not, but I'm eternally joyful" to which he said "no, you're not. You're not that either." I then responded, "Haha, joy and happiness are different things, my friend. Don't you know?" After that he fell silent.
I win. :D

FOUR:You would do anything for them!
What's anything? Act weird and a bit foolish to make him smile if he's crabby? Yes, I would...but in private. Not a public spectacle. But no. Not really. I wouldn't...

THREE:While reading this, there was one person on your mind this whole time.
Well...yeah....I mean..it would have defeated the purpose if I didn't.

TWO:You were so busy thinking about that person, you didn't notice number twelve was
....

ONE:You just scrolled up to check & are now silently laughing at yourself.
...Well that's stupid. And no, I'm not.

Well, that was pointless, haha. So..do I like him or not? According to this, possibly not. But I don't think I'll judge liking someone by some stupid MySpace thing.

Let's see..what do I think liking someone is..

well..it's been different lately. In the past it's been really bad because I didn't like myself and I used a crush as an excuse to change. But now...hmm...let me think.

I want to be around him all the time. I want to be near him, because when I'm near him, I smile. When I'm near him, I'm happy..just like any other friend. And I want to make him happy. As much as I want to be around him, I want to give him his space because I don't want him to grow tired of me.

He makes me laugh. When he's not crabby, he makes me feel good about myself. Well, HE doesn't make me feel good about myself, but he's a helper. He's like a talking-mirror. Because I kept my mirror veiled for so long and when I took down the veil I put up a fun-house mirror, I distorted my image so I could hate on myself. Then I told God to take that way and He did. He put a real mirror in front of me and called me perfect.
And I'm starring at the mirror and I'm looking. Just looking. I immediately see all the faults, and "he", the talking-mirror, talks to me and points them out. Only he's not bad about it. He makes me see something I can't pin-point, brings it out, and shows me how to make it better.

When I'm around him, I'm shy and open at the same time. I can converse with him, talk with him about God,...I can give him a "fake wet willy"and argue with him and fight and know it's okay. We can spend a couple of hours just being stupid. Well..me being stupid and him attempting to confuse me...and usually succeeding. But I am shy because I can't sing and dance and be hyper-active around him because I'm still embarrassed, haha.

When I'm around him my heart..does something. I don't know. My heart pulls me to him, but I guess it's my emotions.

When I'm around him, I know I have a friend. I know I'm not his favorite friend. I know I'm very low on his list. But I know I am his friend. And I know that it's not the crush that's making me go to God about him. It's the spirit of Christ's love that compels me to do so.

Somewhere in my life...about 3 years ago, I decided that I was going to end up in an abusive relationship. I wasn't going to fight it because I thought that's how some people showed love.

Today I know I'm worth more than that. God wouldn't let that happen. And today I know that when I am perfectly molded at the right time, it's not going to happen. I won't settle for abuse. I want nothing less than a gentleman. Someone who respects others and me. :DD

Yeeeep....just felt like blogging....O_o

And did I seriously blog about my crush? Really? Faaaaail...hahaha. Go me. -____-

"Blood Promise" by Richelle Mead book review

2009-10-19T21:37:00.000-07:00

A couple of hours ago I finished Blood Promise by Richelle Mead. The book is the 4th installment to the Vampire Academy series. And vampires...well, what can I say, I love them! In my defense, I was into vampires long before Twilight was popular...and even now, except for random conversations about vampiricy (is that a word or term?!), I'm not overly obsessed over them. I love reading about the way authors have twisted and molded the vampire mythology and made it their own. It's intriguing.

Well, anyway, back to the book review. So Rose goes on her search for her beloved Dimitri and there are, of course, many twists and turns along the way. I could not put the book down. And when I had to I couldn't concentrate I was out, wondering what would happen next! This 503-paged book was a fast read as a lot of teen books are, haha.

As the series progressed, I feel as though I can identify with Rose better than I can with Lissa. At first upon reading the first book in the series, I felt an attachment to Lissa because of her need to have everyone happy and to heal (yes, I get that into the books I read!). As the series progressed, however, I began to feel as though I could relate more to Rose.

In no way am I a super fit butt-kicking person like she is, but her emotions feel more....real than Lissa's. It's like Lissa has a hard time admitting she's wrong and she tries to hide her emotions a lot more (although her personality is a very "real" one that I would identify in a girl today) whereas Rose makes mistakes. She knows she's not the sweetest cookie in the batch. She knows she's brash and impulsive and she knows she makes mistakes. Although she's extremely stubborn when it comes to admitting it to others she can admit it to herself. She values justice and doing what it right. She would put her life on the line because someone she loves in danger. And I suppose I can relate more to that...hehe...yes, I do live in a realm of dorkdom. :p

Anyway, it is an excellent read, I would recommend it to anyone over the age of 15! Okay...maybe 14...but only because Mead blogged about her books being banned in a school district in Texas. They were banned for being too sexual for middle schoolers, and when I think about it, it's like "uhmm...yeaaah...they kinda are. That's why they are aimed for older teens...". I personally don't think there's too much wrong with Mead's books because situations in the book don't have much affect on me. There is underage drinking and some drug use. There is sex. But I think I am mature enough to know drugs and alcohol are bad and sex is a no-no when you're not married. :p

So yep...that's pretty much it.

What did we learn in this entry?
The Vampire Academy series is a must read! :DD

"To Hold the Crown" by Jean Plaidy book review

2009-10-17T18:07:00.000-07:00

"To Hold the Crown" is the first book in the Tudor series written by Jean Plaidy. It is a good historical fiction book...with an emphasis on fiction, I suppose. This story was about Henry VII and Elizabeth of York.

Supposedly this book is supposed to be a love story of this royal couple, but I felt that as a romance, this book fell a bit short. It was a good read, there's no doubt about that, but to call it a "love story" would be using the term very very lightly. The book was mostly about the happenings of the kingdom, rather than a love story. When Elizabeth and Henry were mentioned together it was very brief. The story was more about how Henry VII ruled and political gain and their children.

I would recommend this book to those who like historical fiction. For those who are really looking for a love story, however, I would kind of recommend this book because of other side stories, but it's not a "true" love story. But for those who enjoy historical fictions, this is a great and captivating story!

"Maximum Ride book 1" by James Patterson review

2009-10-14T21:16:00.000-07:00

Suuuch a good book! Eeep! I finished it this morning and it was great! I can't wait to read the next one, but unfortunately I must wait a while...*sigh*

Well, anyway, this book is great. It's about six kids who are genetic mutants who are on the run from the scientists who created them. These kids have wings. The oldest is named Maximum Ride, and she's the leader of the kids and yeah. This story is basically them trying to find out more about themselves as well as staying alive. It's really good. It's definitely a favorite...I know I don't make it sound that interesting, but it really is. =]

The only thing I don't like, it's just a personal weird quirk of mine, is the oldest character's age. She's 14, and the story is mainly told from her point of view. I suppose I don't like reading stories from that age's perspective because I was already there and it's over with, but in this book I didn't mind so much.

I would recommend it to anyone. It's amazazing.

And no, that was not a typo. =]

Teehee...secret time!

2009-10-13T23:29:00.000-07:00

Wowzers, over the last 24+ a couple hours I've been in a really good mood, haha. Things that would normally turn me all "rawr hiss I will eat you grrr!" hasn't affected me as much or at all as a matter of fact. I'm very happy...I'm very joyful...huh, there must be something in the water, or something. :p I pray it lasts, though...I like the feeling! It makes me feel good...I feel really invincible, and that's just a corny thing to say. But it's true..so so true. :p That, and I'm a better person. I'm less...neurotic. Less insecure. Sure I apologize a lot, but I can joke more. I'm more comfortable in my skin. :p

Anyway...secret time!

Okay..well, I don't even know why I'm blogging this publicly instead of writing it in my own diary, but I feel in the mood to type instead of write...anyway! So..hahaha..so embarrassing. But..I'm weird, oh well.

So today in math class I was totally spacing out and doing my own thing while staring blankly at the board and at the teacher and I was just thinking my own thoughts and such. Anyway, so I was thinking...I pray for the person I'm going to marry. Hahahahahaha. I don't even know him and I'm praying for him. How awkward am I? Really awkward. And I remembered that I've written a couple of letters to him too. Letters I will probably forget in a few years, but letters that help me get out pent up emotions that I harbor now.

So yeah, that's a secret...well, obviously not anymore..gosh...so so lame....dorky! xDDD

Gosh, this good mood will be the death of me.

Watch, next week I'm going to be super suicidal emo depressed. -____-

>.>

<.<

*knock on wood*

=]

Book Review for "Eternity's Edge" by Bryan Davis

2009-10-12T21:47:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I finished the book "Eternity's Edge" by Bryan Davis which is the second book in the "Echoes from the Edge" trilogy. It was pretty good. I liked this one more than I liked the first one and I can't wait until I get to read the final book! The problem is I don't have it yet!

Anyway! In this book Nathan and Kelly continue their quest between the three dimensions and all that fun stuff. This time, Kelly is blind for the most part. Also, in this book, Nathan finds out he has a supplicant called Scarlet. I really like her character. I guess it's because who she is. Throughout the book she refers to Nathan as her "beloved" but not in a romantic sense.

I think I liked Scarlet a lot because of that. She never refers to Nathan in a romantic sense, but she always calls him "beloved" and she always reminds him that "she had given him her heart but in a different way". I guess I thought that was super cute!

Anyway...I would recommend the book. :]

====

As for life updates? Well..nothing new really....mmm....nope, nothing new! Well....I guess I can say is that I am proud of myself for having control over a certain emotion. =] I suppose it's because the factors are a tad different, buuut...oh well. I'm still proud. And looking back on how I let that emotion go haywire in the past makes me feel kinda bad...

oh well.

C'est la vie! <333

Racial Slurs and Whores

2009-09-28T21:56:00.000-07:00

So today as I was leaving my apartment to go to Coldstone's were I sadly did not get a dance for my tip, I passed my neighbor who was listening to annoyingly loud rap music. Normally I just drown it out for the most part, but today I took in the lyrics.

For one thing, I don't like rap music...well, it all depends on the song. Songs are pretty awesome and I like them. But for the most part, I don't like rap.

So, as I listened to this song, I heard the "N-word" thrown into the song carelessly. I only heard like 10-15 seconds of the song and that word was used at least six times. My neighbor who was listening to the song happens to be African-American.

Excuse me..but last time I checked, isn't the "N-Word" supposed to be a bad word? I mean, if I threw it around I promise you I would end up getting a beat down by someone -___-. I started to think, why is it okay for a rapper to use such a degrading term? Not only do I hear it in songs, but I also hear it when I'm out and about. I hear people call their friends these words, like:

Dude 1: What up my N----
Dude 2: Not much, just got high...

Okay, so maybe I don't quite hear that, but I do hear the first line. It's like a cool thing to call friends these names. After so many years of that word being a complete insult, why is it okay today to use that word? Is this something we want to teach our children?

If I saw a little three year old running around saying this word I'd glare at the parents angrily and wonder what they're teaching their children...regardless of their race.

So it's okay for one black person to call another black friend this N-word, but if a white person or Latino or Asian (well...I don't really hear Asians saying it...), the black person gets all offended and it suddenly becomes racist. I mean, pick a side! It's either a bad word or not!

Personally, I think it's a bad word, and by using it in songs or in a means of greeting, it's like....I don't know...saying it's okay to be racist. It's also taking away from the severity of the word. I mean, that could be a good thing, but neeh.

Also another term I hate.

Whore.
Slut.
Bitch.

Those kinds of words. Sometimes a friend will say that to me...not anymore, mind you, but they used to. It's be like:

Friend: Hey, ho (or hey bitch, or hey whore)
Me:.....*annoyed*...hi....what's up?

Of course I've never yelled at a friend for using this term, but it obviously doesn't make me very happy. I don't like being called these words. It's offensive, rude, low-class, and incorrect.

Maybe I am being a bit hypocritical. I mean, I do say things like "oohhh, yeah you're definitely a whore"...but I mean it as a joke. I would NEVER greet a friend with a "hey slut!!", not even as a joke...that takes it waaay past the line. I have been known to use these words to describe a person or two, but...neh. They are DEFINITELY not words to call friends.

In society today, we've taken words that are offensive and we're turning them into greeting calls and giving the words less power. Sure, it is a good thing to have power over words, but is it really a good thing to give a word less power?

Instead of exercising freedom of speech by using these terms to refer to those close to us, come up with something new. Something respectful.

I mean, friends are to be respected no matter what. Would you greet your mother or father with these words? Mmm, how about a teacher or a coach or a pastor or someone?

I think not.

Uggggghhhh...rant done. (:

"Beyond the Reflection's Edge" Book Review / What Can My Voice Do?/ In Memory...

2009-09-25T23:58:00.000-07:00

So I just finished the book "Beyond the Reflection's Edge" by Bryan Davis. It was an enjoyable book, but because I'm not the brightest crayon in the box it confused me. Basically it's about...dimensions and interfinity. It's hard to explain but it's really good. I'm quite positive if I were to re-read it I would catch some things I did not catch the first time around. This is one of those books one will want to take the time and read and it can't really be skimmed through.

I think my favorite thing in this book was Nathan. Haha...I love how he is not a person but a "thing"...well a character is a thing therefore Nathan is a thing...ANYWAY! Yes, I think he was one of my favorite things in this book. Nathan is described to be a gentleman and it is obvious him and his parents are Christian. Two of my favorite passages in this book are both touched by a Christian likeliness and it made me enjoy the book all the more. I also really liked how music was the key to most of the things in the book, but more specifically the violin. In most books if characters play music of some sort it's something like the guitar or bass or piano or drums or something...common. Although I suppose if the Davis wanted to have Nathan and his mother play a different instrument he could have but the violin seemed to be a nice touch, somehow. After all, the violin is a very pretty instrument.

Good book. Highly recommended. (:

***********************************************************************************

How can I possibly dare to dream to be someone--something--so much bigger than I am? How can I possibly be a change in the world? I'm shy and I tend to hide instead of being out there. How can I possibly desire to be a light for my Father?

My voice is too soft, I don't have a "face for publicity"...as a matter of fact, I don't think my face really "screams" much of anything such as power or peace or kindness...it's just kinda there, haha.

But the point is..who am I that thinks she can be so much more than she is? What makes me think God can possibly want me when there are others much much more suited for the things I can dream.

I've decided that children have become a passion of mine. Children and those who are broken. I want them to experience the joy I feel to know that there is a living God who loves me forever with an unfailing love that I cannot even begin to describe.

But me, this small, weak, and pathetic vessel that I have made myself into, how can I possibly thing God will want me? I don't think highly of myself and others see that. Why should I be able to dream of doing something great for God when there are others who are in a much better place than I am and are more capable to do His work. Others more suited. Others more fit. Others more...perfect.

Hmmm...God must indeed have something in store for me. He gave me a heart of compassion for a reason. He gave me a heart that breaks every time I see someone broken. He gave me a heart that longs to reach out. He gave me talents and gifts I have yet to unlock. He gave me a perfectly functioning body (although I haven't done a very good job taking care of it -____-') to move, to think, to (sometimes) speak.

It has been a desire of mine since I was younger to do something mighty for God. I had such beautiful dreams as a young girl. I dreamt that I lead people in prayer for a church's healing. I dreamt that in a battle (for lack of a better word) between good and evil and I was able to bring some on the opposing side to the right side. I dreamt that I sang and played music and acted for God. I believed I would go and teach people in Africa about His love. I was restless to go to the countries that people feared going to because of division because I believed that with God if one person heard me it would all be worth it. I would lose my life if it meant glorifying Him.

So the song goes "Take my dreams come and give them wings, Lord with you, there's nothing I cannot do".

Sometimes I don't know if I'm worth that. If there's anything in my voice today that is worth being heard. But other times, I believe God still wants to use me. I just need patience. So my dreams seem a bit big for someone like me, and a bit big now, but He's placed me in places today to show his love. I'm not in a country where people have neither heard the name of God nor are allowed to worship Him. But I am on a large campus with classes where people sure need to hear of His name and love. And I'm helping out at Sunday school and soon doing children's Bible study at community groups. I can start here. I am sure God put me there for a reasons other than what my mind wanders to and for reasons I cannot even think of.

So, the song is right. I am weak. But He is strong enough to take my dreams and make them possibilities...and as I look at it now. I think they are slowly coming true. (:

**********************************************************************************

So I heard a kid I graduated with recently passed away.

Michael Pyper.

I remember meeting him on his first day of school at Madison Middle school in 8th grade. I think it was after P.E. for me and I think he was in my P.E. period if not class. I remember him and another kid (from the same school he transferred from and was a new student on the same day -- they didn't know each other at the other junior high but they quickly became best friends from that day) walking to my math class.

I remember having an internal battle with myself. "Should I say hi? I mean..maybe I shouldn't. Maybe someone else, one of the popular kids will say hi and I won't have to. I mean I'm not that special. Just give them a day or two and they'll be with the in crowd in no time. No need to say hi....but I should. I should give it a try. They look nice. And it's their first day. I'd be happy if someone said hi to me on my first day..."

I remember catching up to him and Joseph Potter (the other new kid) and stammering out an awkward "hi".

I remember him smiling down at me (yes...he was taller than me then....It was 8th grade where I became the short one again and forevermore from there -___-). I remember a look in his eyes that showed the slightest amount of relief of someone talking to him.

I remember introducing him to Brian in math class and letting it go from there. But I can also remember going home that day that I was glad that I talked to him.

I was never close to him. Sure we had math class together and the same P.E. period together. We were friendly, but we weren't friends because as I predicted he got into the popular crowd. As soon as we hit high school we stopped talking. In Frosh I remember when we passed in the halls we'd smile to each other as if to say "I remember you.....heck yes, high school," but as the years progressed we eventually stopped acknowledging each other.

He was never mean to me. At least to my face. Maybe behind my back, maybe not. I will never know. I do know however the Michael was a genuine person. I'm sure that given the chance we would not have been friends in high school. We could have been....acquaintances, but not friends. He was an intelligent and funny kid.

My prayer is that for those who were indeed close to him and those who truly knew him, my prayer is that God give them strength and healing in the coming days.

May he rest in peace.

I'm Still Bitter...

2009-09-24T15:33:00.000-07:00

Wow...that sucks.
It's probably the stupidest, no, not probably, it IS the stupidest thing to be upset about. I mean...gaaaah...I thought I was stronger than that, but apparently, I'm not. Faaail.
Well, anyway..geebus, I don't even know where to begin!

He apparently doesn't think I'm pretty...

You're reading waaaaaaaay too into this. He never said that. You're assuming. You're hurting yourself and hurting him by assuming--

I am not assuming. I'm right! I'm just learning to love myself, to find the small things in me that make one beautiful being, but something like this just...

Why do you care so much? He's ONE person. It shouldn't matter what he thinks!

But I do care! Why, because I'm obviously the biggest (in more ways than one) idiot in the world...or at least in my quarter of it.

Whatever. He's just one person. So what he doesn't think you're attractive--

I thought he was different. Obviously, I didn't/don't expect him to think I'm the prettiest thing on this planet. I just thought maybe...maybe he saw one thing pretty in me..

How do you know he hasn't? He's weird. He's hard to figure out for the most part. How do you know he hasn't seen something beautiful in you?

Because he could be like all the others...and because I've never done anything around him that could prove I have something in me that's even slightly pretty. At least nothing to take note of. Nothing comparable to her, or his other female friends.

Duuuude, whatever. Remember, he's your friend too.

Is he really? He once told me he doesn't hate people..he hates the things they do. Just because he doesn't hate me..

Aha!! You admit it!

No, I don't. I do still believe with a tiny part of me that he doesn't like me very much...but anyway! Just because he doesn't hate me doesn't me he likes me very much.

He likes you, okay? Shut your face.

...but...Maybe I want to be one of his favorites, but if not that, then I want to be close to him. But he's not stupid. He obviously knows I like him and it's so awkward around him. He's probably pulling himself back because of that.

Maybe not. Maybe you're taking every word waaaay to personally and you're overanalyzing it all.

Perhaps...but...can I rewind? No, can I put it all on pause right now and come back when I don't like him anymore and we can be friends from there?

Sure..but you know that's not the way life works. You just gotta keep moving in a forward motion instead of keeping "Nicest thing" on replay. Stop whining and get up off the floor! The world awaits the smile you're denying it. Turn your eyes to heaven and not on a boy!

But...but...it's hard. I know I said I'd rather be the one aching over him...why can't just for a little while, he ache over me?

'Cause he doesn't like you.

Ouch...yeah..I forgot that minor detail.

I'm still bitter./I'm still bitter.

Will you lash out when you see him?

No, I won't. I'm going to smile and be retarded as I usually am around him.

That's always good. Sure, maybe he doesn't see something pretty now, but if you continue to love on him and be yourself and not stress so much about it, maybe things can change from there. Remember it's not in your hands.

I know...but I wish it was. I wish I wish I wish he was the one. If he was, I wouldn't mind waiting for him!

I know...but again, it's up to God, not you. If he's the one, God will make it work out in the end. If he's not, at least you still have a friend, right?

Neeeeeeeehhhhhh.......

Don't you neeeh me! Remember, you can't escape me.

I can try.

Cheaaah...you can, but you won't succeed.

Shut up, Reason and Optimism..

How do you know I'm not the Spirit whispering to your heart? You didn't reason this out earlier.

Good call.

Bahaha....optimism one, despair zero! OWNED!

That obviously wasn't God...

Perhaps not, but I still win.

I suppose....I'm still upset though, just so you know.

I know...but that's expected. You'll be fine though.

How do you know though?

Because we've been here before and God got us through it, did He not

He did.

Exactly.

Cutest Passage in a Book

2009-09-23T19:34:00.000-07:00

Yay for Christian authors. This is probably one of the cutest and most beautiful passages in a book I've ever read. And because of these couple of paragraphs this book has become my favorite. (:

From "Beyond the Reflection's Edge" by Bryan Davis:

"Her serious aspect deepened. "Then you know why I play."

Lowering himself to one knee, he looked into her beautiful, innocent brown eyes. "Because your spirit has to sing. Every musician's heart bears a song from the Creator, and he spends his life trying to duplicate it as an act of worship. His ultimate dream is to play it flawlessly for an audience of on at the great throne of heaven."

"That's what my teacher says," Francesca touched his lips with two fingers. "But there are two songs in your heart, one for God and one for the woman who will be your wife."

Nathan resisted the urge to look at Kelly again. "My wife?"

"My teacher says if a musician marries another musician, they harmonize their songs into one, but when he marries a nonmusician, he creates a new song for her and teaches it to her heart,""

(132).

"Thirst Vol. 1" book review

2009-09-18T11:23:00.000-07:00

I just finished the book "Thirst" (vol. 1..so technically I finished 3 books...) by Christopher Pike, and it was pretty good. It's another vampire novel (but it was first published in 1994-1995). The vampire, Sita, is 5,000 years old and she is the last vampire. And her journey begins, pretty much!

For some reason as I read it, I couldn't help but think that Stephenie Meyer read this book as well. I kept on finding little "Twilight" things. Nothing to significant, but just little things that made me go "huh, the same thing happened in "Twilight"!"

I really liked Sita's character up to a certain extent. At the same time however, I noticed she was a very....okay, not very, but kind of masculine figure. I dunno. It's all personal opinion.

Good story. Not a favorite, but I'd recommend it! (:

Selfishness...

2009-09-16T16:06:00.000-07:00

"I think if someone was drowning human instinct would kick in for me and I would figure out how to swim."

-"Then jump in; human instinct will kick in for you and you'll learn how to swim. If you don't I'll teach you. Or you'll drown."

"Haha...I think if I fell in I would rather drown.."

-"......so now I know if you were drowning I'd let you. I'd respect your wishes for dying. It sounds like you want to die, right?"

"...Well...nehhh....If I were drowning, I would try to save myself but I wouldn't try very hard because I wouldn't be motivated. But if someone was drowning and I was trying to save them I know I would try harder and have greater motivation--"

-"You have a horrible mentality!!"

....I hate me for thinking throughout this conversation "I want to hear that you'd be willing to save me. I want to hear that you care enough to see something in me that's worth saving." I know I'm incredibly selfish for thinking it. And I hate myself all over again for thinking it. ._.

And I'm pretty much dissing God's masterpiece. I can't help it though. How can years of self-hatred be erased? How can I forget that I am indeed pretty? How can I see what other's see in me? Why can't I see myself the way I see everyone else in this world--beautiful? Why do I stumble and fall and curl into a ball hoping that I'll just absorb it all like a sponge or have it bounce off instead of calling on God?

....bwah...I wanna punish myself.

I Am Not Afraid to Die...

2009-09-14T22:21:00.001-07:00

....I'm not.

I'm not afraid because of the fact that I know that one day will be my last and that is inevitable. I know I'll be entering God's arms.

I am however, afraid for those around me. I wouldn't want to die so soon because I'm not worth funeral expenses. I am not worth the heartache. I'm just not.
I am afraid to leave my loved ones behind. Especially those who don't know Jesus/the ones who haven't accepted Him yet.
I am afraid my brother won't take care of my mom.

Other than that, I am not afraid.

But I am afraid of the process. I'm afraid of how I will die. Especially of one thing in particular. I don't want it to touch me. If it does I fear that I'm not strong enough to fight it off. I don't want to die without living.

And I'm afraid the process has begun.

Music

2009-09-05T19:47:00.000-07:00

Music. It's all around us. It's in the car when we drive. It's in our rooms when we're studying, chilling, whatever, it's in our ears when we're droing out the boring teacher. It's everywhere. Even when it doesn't seem like music, simple beats follow us. The beat of one's heart or footsteps. The rhythmic sounds of waves crashing against the shorelines. No matter where we go in life, music is everywhere.

It comes from all cultures, religions, and backgrounds. It comes in many different styles. I am not one of those lucky people blessed with the gifts to play music, but I do appreciate it. I consider myself tolerant to all forms of music. I like pretty much everything. Sometimes I will not like the lyrics to something, but I will find myself enjoying the beat behind it. Of all the different types of musical genres I listen to. I would have to say indie, rock, punk, emo/screamo, and worship are my favorites.

After spending countless hours over the years searching bands, becoming obsessed with one and another and another, I've come up with a pretty decent list of bands that I enjoy. But being who I am, there are some things I try to stay away from because, despite how good the beat behind something is, I just can't listen to it because of it's message it sends out to the world.

Some of my top favorite bands are Thousand Foot Krutch, FM Static, Escape the Fate, Skillet, 30 Seconds to Mars, Boys Like Girls, Hellogoodbye, Flyleaf, and a bunch of others. I just recently fell in love with the band Blessthefall.

I'm the type of person who likes to get into a band, I'll search all I can to find out more about the members and found out more about the bands origins and all that good stuff. Not to be a stalker, but to see if this is a band I can really consider a favorite.

A lot of my favorite bands are Christian. If the band itself isn't Christan then the members are, if that makes sense. But what annoys me about Christian bands are the members sometimes. (I'm not saying any of these bands are the ones that annoy me. There's a reason they're still favorites!). It's like, in interviews, they'll go on this big speech about "yeah, we're a Christian band" and when a fan meets them or something they turn out to be complete jerk-offs. >_<

But yes, all in all, music is great. It's a great way to escape whatever's going on in life and a chance to just relax and let lyrics take one away. (:

The Realizations/ "The Twentieth Wife" book review

2009-09-01T22:52:00.000-07:00

Last night I finished the book "The Twientieth Wife" by Indu Sundaresan. It is a historical fiction that takes place in the 16th-17th century. It was a really good read in my opinion. I found out that the Muslim religion in the book and other mentions religions were kind of inaccurate whe it came to discussing them, but I didn't notice...I'm not Muslim.
I really liked this book because it was kind of a fairy-tale in a sense the way it was written, but I also loved the imagery in it. Ever since 6th grade I've really loved the Indian culture. The bright colors, studying the religion, and all that stuff. The idea of the Monsoon season always sounded exciting, 4 months of straight rain! Then again, living through it must be terrible to go through that kind of season.
Anyway, "The Twentieth Wife" is a captivating story of a girl, Mehrunisa, who is madly in love with the Prince Salim since the young age of 8. And there is a fictional story of her life, building up to her meetings with Salim and it was both a cute story but also kind of saddening. In that time period, women did not have a chance to voice opinions and, in a sense, have their own "free will". Which really annoyed me because I am a modern young woman of today and I enjoy my own thoughts and my own actions!
I liked this book because the idea of "dreams can come true" is represented and that there is really no dream that is too big. I didn't like the idea of how men can have so many wives in the Muslim religion. I mean, eee. I'd be very jealous. >.<;

All in all, it was a great read! Not on my "favorites" list, but a great read indeed. I can't wait to get the sequel!

As for my realizations today:
1. I'm a terrible friend.
2. I'm so in love with God.
3. "Over the Rainbow" is a way to travel.
4. I love that I am more comfortable around certain people.
5. I'll never be able to be who I am if I am always trying to live to other's expectations.
6. I've sheltered myself more than I realized.
7. Despite all me "ohhhh can't wait to get married" and "can't wait to find the one" I truly am afraid of falling in love.
8. "Ovaries" is the first thing that pops into my head when I have to think of a body part that starts with "O".
9. I would throw out perfectly reusable ostrich feathers. xD

"I've tried to hide, but I can't sleep tonight"

2009-08-30T22:45:00.000-07:00

"I have some serious blogging to do" ewwwwwwww! I never want to say something like that ever again in my life! That just crossed the line from internet abuser to internet addict! -____-

Anyway, the point of this blog is fear. I fear everything. I seriously do. I fear the smallest things such as...well...those are little secrets I don't wanna tell, but it's seriously small things, like dogs. I'm not afraid of dogs, but you catch my drift I hope. And I also fear big and medium sized things in-between.

"EVERYONE HATES ME!"
"You hate me!"
"Seriously...I think he secretly hates me.."
"I dunno...I don't think she likes me very much..."

If you are my friend, you've heard one or all of the above phrases at least twenty times a day when hanging out with me. But truly truly, it's one of my worst fears. Even though I have a smile on my face, I'm not joking some of the time. Obviously I know Jakob doesn't hate me (I still can't help saying it. I won't stop saying it until he can freaking sing around me, gosh! So, obviously because he won't sing in front of me, that eqiuvaltes hatred xD), but I do believe some people don't like me very much. It irks me. I'm afraid I've done something wrong. It makes me worry and I go into myself and try to find out what I've done wrong. Have I been annoying? Am I too immature? I don't know. Obviously in life, I don't expect everyone to like me, but I want to know why people don't. Maybe I guess it irks me that someone who apparently "loves everyone" and is "nice to everyone/friends with everyone" doesn't like me? Was there a bad word put in while describing me? Have I offended? It distracts me when I don't know...

I suppose that's normal though, right? I mean...everyone thinks that..kinda?

But, as for my real fear....I've become something of a hypochondriac. I blame my mommy dearest. But I suppose my fears aren't all irrational..well, one might not be. I fear I have a brain tumor because I have random brain freeze like headaches every once in a while. I fear that...I'll never be able to have kids. I fear...I fear that I am diabetic. It runs through my dad's side and my mom got it a few years ago. And looking in the mirror, I'm not exactly a vision of health. So my fear isn't so irrational.

I google things about diabetes...I've become a bit of an expert on it. I have been since I was about 8 because I was fascinated by this disease my dad could have and yet he smiled...and everything I read, I get afraid. I mean "did I just feel that?" "Didn't I feel/complain about that last week?" "OMG that's been going on for a while". Maybe I'm just paranoid and I expierence everything in my mind. But it keeps me awake at night. What if it's too late for me.

Type 2 diabetes is reversable in the most obvious of ways: lose weight, be healthy and all that good stuff. But..it's not that easy for me. I'm positive that once I got the ball rolling I'd LOVE to excercise, but the point is I can't start. For me it's easier to starve myself and see the numbers go down on the scale. I feel better. I just have to poke the tummy to shut up and all is well. But it won't last and I know it, so I keep on starving keep on skipping a meal becauase I don't want that pound to come back.

I'm so scared. Obviously I should go to the doctor, but I hate them. I hate physicals. I hate them telling me what I already know. All the doctors care about is that I'm fat. End of story. They don't care that I sometimes don't eat because their words, media's words, that-kid-that-passes-me-when-I'm-walking-by's words, hurt too damn much. Because I see myself with such hatred. I have such good friends who don't care that I'mt his fatty blob, but I do. I care when I'm sitting next to my beautiful thin friends. I care when the lap-bar on a ride has an obvious distance from me and a friend.

"Don't poke/touch the fat!" That's another familiar phrase of mine. I mean it when I say it though. I feel disgusted when I'm touched. You might not be, but I am. I'm disgusted by the squishyness they touch when I'm poked. I wish more than anything they can feel ribs when they poke.

Who am I to complain though. I know what needs to be done, but...for some reason I can't. Maybe it is just pure laziness, but maybe it's not. Maybe it's fear. Maybe one day, if that day ever comes, and I lose the weight I should, maybe I won't be me anymore. I'm afraid that I won't be me or even worse, that people will be different to me. All of a sudden I'll be treated nicer. All of a sudden those people who "hate" me, will be friends. And that scares me the most. I am a firm believer that my friends are some of the most beautiful souls that God put on this earth, but people can change. It's happened to me before.

I'm just afraid. Haha...fattyness and cowardice don't go well...it just reduces you to this ugly little pathetic ball.

But I can't help but be afraid. I don't want my life to end before it starts. And I'm scared that if I'lm ever diagnosed, all is lost. Even though it would be reversible, I won't be able to go back. Because I would have given up on myself. I would live in a state of numbness. Nothing would matter anymore. it's a terribly selfish thought, but somewhere in my psyche, I know it's true.

And I'm scared out of my mind.

State of Neutrality...?

2009-08-29T00:53:00.001-07:00

While driving home from Brittany's tonight, that thought suddenly hit me. As I watched the lights turn from red to green and the bass of a song pulse through my speakers I came to notice I saw without seeing.

Maybe it's what they taught in driver's ed. (yes, I still remember stuff), road hypnotism. I don't know if what I expierenced was road hypnotism but maybe. I was about...half way home I think when I realized, "Oh wow, what happened to the last five minutes of my life?"

I tried to think back to those few minutes where I was in limbo. I wasn't thinking about anything in particular, I wasn't really listening to the song, for I have heard it about a hundred times or more, but still love it, I was just...going. Going without really going and seeing without truly seeing. So is that being hypnotized by the road? Well, I don't think so...it's just.....weird, haha...well normal for me I guess.

All tonight I figure now that I was in a state of neutrality. Don't get me wrong, of course I had fun but, neeh *shrug* I dunno how to explain it. I do know I was very shy. I am terribly shy. I don't want to be. But I am so insecure. I don't even know why, either. I guess that's how I'm programmed, to be constantly insecure. Or it is as Juliet once told me, "it's the Asian in you". Albeit, she was talking about something else, but she has a point there, haha.

No, it's not the Asian in me (haha). At least, I don't think so. I think the Asian in me tells me that third isn't good enough (in class I'm ALWAYS third when I put my best efforts into it. If not third I'm usually anywhere between 3-7. It PISSES me off! I mean really, uggggh! Third! Soooo close to first! >.<) and if I want to reach a dream or a goal I'm going to have to fight for it. I think that's what my inner Asian is telling me...and it's also telling me that I'm craving dumplings! -___-

No, I don't think that's my problem, the whole Asian thing...I think...my problem is, I haven't quite found my niche. I feel like a floater; just this random blob that's kinda there and kinda not. A blob that's on the outside for the most part but makes a fun remark every now and again. I don't know why I try so hard to find my place where I have a good enough place with the ones that truly matter. I suppose that somewhere in me, in that place of my soul where I want to make everyone around me happy, I seek acceptance. Of course I don't want friends who aren't quite friends/close to greet me as if we were long-lost best buddies once joined by the hip or something, but simply conversations are nice, right? Who doesn't want to be accepted every now and then.

So yes, I think I am just shy. In my classes at Palomar I have Danielle in English and Nat in Psychology and that's great! I'm so blessed to have them! But in my other two classes I can't make a sound. There are some nice people around me in Dance and in Math class, but I can't force myself to talk to them. I want to, but this time it's just being timid. I don't know how to make friends...I really don't. .___. What do I say? I watch this girl who sits in front of me in Math she can say something to the person in front and to either side of her and right away after that she'll be all "Hi, I'm so-and-so, nice to meet you, what's your name," and go from there. I could consider doing that but there's like this block in me that's like "uuhhmmm no...maybe the next class" or "eeeep....that person doesn't look like they want to be bothered right now, so I won't".

-_______-

Stupid introverted personality!

Yes, so in my state of neutrality, I've figured all this out and more. I've written my first poem in a looong while. Alas, it's not very good, but I suppose it will suffice, right? Yeaaaah...So tomorrow is dedicated to studying. Joy. I'm actually not intimidated by it. If I give it the entire day, I will be productive. Maybe not on consequtive hours on end, but the work will get done! (:

Reading through this...I am a terribly selfish person.

Ugggh...Ihateyou! >.<

Anyway! The poem!

Parade of Heart

Here it is for all to see,

my arms out-stretched

it's all of me.

Every tear, every laugh,

every prayer, every scar.

Every smile, every moment,

every thought while driving the car.

Here I am for all to witness,

a part of me I hold so close--

more secretive than the mind,

yet, less private than the soul.

Here I am out for display,

shedding the cloak of pretense

and masquerade.

Here's my heart

for you to view,

a single float in a heart's parade.

But here's a questionI implore of you......

...Will you still love me by tomorrow's morning?

Faliure

2009-08-18T14:04:00.001-07:00

This has nothing to do with my expirement at all, and I decided that I'm just a failure so this blog will go to whimsical thoughts and dreams and stuff. Y'know, whatever describes my fancy. (:

That was fail #1.

Fail #2 is thinking of that silly boy. If only if only. If we got together it would be one of the best love stories out there. But I suppose that writing a story to "You Belong With Me" doesn't help much either....

Fail #3 is my lack of originality.

Fail #4 is my lack of time management.

Fail #5 is my lack of employment.

Fail #6 is my lack of intelligence.

Fail #7 is my lack of everything else I'm terrible at. >.<

Addicted.

2009-08-14T18:36:00.000-07:00

I am addicted.

Not to drugs or alcohol, or sex, or gambling, or anything people are usually addicted to. But more so to a person. It sounds really creepy, but it's the best way I can describe it. Here, let's look up the definition of addiction....*goes to google*....

Addiction: being abnormally tolerant to and dependent on something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming (especially alcohol or narcotic drugs)

Okay, so maybe I am using the word in the wrong context, but I'm just going to stick with this word for a lack of better term. So what if it's not drugs or any other terrible thing that most people hear about, what is it that I am addicted to? Well, I'll tell you.

I'm addicted to a person.

But not in a creep stalker obsessive kinda way....but in a bad way nonetheless. Addiction are usually bad. They harm the mind, body, and soul and it leaves a person weak. My addiction harms the soul and mind.

The only reason I would call this person an addiction is because of the side-effects or the "high" I feel around him. It's not a good high though. It's a bad one. Instead of making me feel good, it makes me feel terrible.

See, whenever I'm around him, I beat on myself. I say things that I don't want to, but can't help. I become depressed around this person. And I would say that it is mostly my fault....okay, not mostly...ALL of my fault.

When I'm around him my self-esteem drops super low. I could be having the best day of my freaking life, but when I see him, I clam up, I go into a fetal position mentally. See, I am convinced that he doesn't like me very much. Something inside of me kicks (haha...kicks...like a baby! Except not....-_____-'') and gives me an icky feeling, a feeling that says "He doesn't like you very much. Find out why! Don't be that person!" And automatically I go inside of myself and the war begins.

He went on vacation with his family for a couple of weeks, and I was relieved. I'm trying not to like him, I really am. I think I succeed most of the time, and then, and then....I don't know what happens. All of a sudden it comes back and it's like "good going Serena, you FAIL". So while he was away I took the time praying to God that I focus on Him. My distractions were gone. And that Sunday he came back I sat in the balcony for two reasons. One, because a bunch of my friends were gone and it's awkward being pretty much the only college kid amidst high schoolers, and two, because he was there. Because I know that I wasn't prepared to face him again.

I know it's my fault that I'm always at their house. It's my fault I always go around. I'm fine going to their house for the most part, I only lose it when he comes around or talks to me or something. Then I'm like "no no no!"

See...so, I hate saying this because it sounds so Twilight-y but it's the best way to say it (and no, I'm not trying to relate my life to that book. It's really in me.) I can't stay away.

I mean besides the nasty side-effect of depression, there's some good in it! He makes me laugh, he reminds me to be more observant, he makes me feel as though I should strive to be more articulate and more positive. So it's not an addiction at all right?

Right?

Huh, I don't know....all I know is that I should try to stay away for a while....but does it really need to come to that? I hope not...because then he'll think I'm even more strange and it'll be even more awkward and no one wants that...

*sigh* I fail.

Being My Own Guinea Pig

2009-08-12T13:54:00.000-07:00

Yes, another blog, but another site. Why? I don't know, because I thought it would be fun to make an account with Blogger? I don't know, I'm just an oddball.

I suppose a post like this would be better suited for my personal diary that I do keep, but I was just too lazy. The diary that I do keep is a combination of random thoughts and ideas that float through my head, as well as a biography of my life for the past 4 or 5 years.
So I was thinking about a purpose for this blog, and I came up with one. I think I will use this as a way to track an experiment on myself. That would be fun. It's kind of like a women's psychology experiment actually, and blogging it would be better than writing it down in a diary because a) I can type much faster than I write and almost as fast as I think and b) because I hope to re-read my entries and find my pattern...if I wrote it in my diary and tried to write as fast as the thoughts that cross my mind, my writing would become illegible and that would defeat the purpose. Yep, so I'll be my own personal guinea pig. (:

*******************

The funny thing about me is that I am a people-pleaser at heart. It can be about the smallest and the biggest things. Cooking, for example. If I know that I'm cooking for people, I try to find out what people like and dislike and if they are allergic to anything (so whatever I cook doesn't kill them >.<) in order to cater to them better. And when I cook for others I get nervous and I hope that I get everything just right.

But I also do that with my personality as well. I change myself to please people. Sometimes I realize it, sometimes I don't. But I think I may go through another change again. I hope that it's for the better. Since I'm holding onto God this time around, I hope it really will be better. But it's not a bad change, it's a good change. It'll make other people happy. I want the people I love to be happy.

I think my period of regression needs to come to an end for good. I was born into an older family, so growing up I was, in a sense expected to mature faster. All of my siblings, half siblings, are a lot older than me. The smallest age gap between a brother and me is 11 years and even that's intense. So growing up, I was expetected to be smart, mature, and responsible...all of which I was...well, maybe not smart...then again, I can't judge that. -__-;

But in the last couple of years I have somehow regressed from being completely mature to...not necessarily immature, but child-like. I don't quite remember exactly how it happened, all I know is that it did. But I think it's time for that to change. It's time for me to go back into my box. I had fun being witty, smiley, giggly,...and happy. I had a grand time. It really cushioned the blow of my father passing away...well, it was like a flat pillow. It was soft, but not the softest thing to fall upon. God was the BIG pillow that seriously cushioned the fall.

Don't get me wrong, by saying that I was happy...I don't mean I'll ever be happy again, of course I'll be joyful. I once explained it to a friend. I'm not a happy person. I'm just not. Some days I'm an optimist, and others I'm a pessimist. It just depends, and I'm not happy. I am however, joyful. Because of God I have this eternal joy I can feel everyday, and I know it's there because I remember those couple of years I didn't have it and I can recall exactly how it felt. And I know I can smile veryday because of God and because of the joy He's given me.

Basically what I mean is, I'll try to be quiet again. I'll try to be that girl that people easily forgot and the kid that sat in the back reading a book. I'll be observant and less talkative again. It hurts me that I upset friends and annoy friends. It really does. My insecurities arise and I just want to curl into a ball and apologize over and over. I'll try really really hard not to be child-like and not make noises. I can't control them, but you don't believe me. I can't I can't I can't. And you dislike me for them. And if it makes you feel better, I'll stop. I'll really really try if it makes you feel happy.

I'll stop talking too, if that makes you happy.

I won't speak to you, if that makes you happy.

I'll say things like "I'm FANTASTIC" and other words such as awesome, and fabulous, and great if that pleases you.

I want all of my friends to be happy. See, sometimes I feel so worthless, just like right now. Like last night, I played conversations I had with people in my head over and over, and the thoughts keep coming and I can't fight them off. One conversation in particular was on repeat in my mind.

-"If I had some sharpies, at the moment, I'd let you add to it."
"No, I'd only ruin it."

And looking at the mural I realized I would have. It was complete without me. The room, if I wasn't there...nothing would have changed. The circle still would have been complete without me. In my mind, I sometimes take myself out of situations. And I watch them as if I were a ghost and I pretend I'm not there. Nothing would change. Nothing. People would still laugh and have fun. It would still be complete. I'm just a random blob thrown into the mix.

I always am.

I have God, that I do have. I'm learning to let Him be my all. To care about only what He thinks. But sometimes...a lot of the sometimes....I want to know I'm worth it to other people. Sometimes I want to know if they care about me as much as I care about them. And sometimes...I'm afraid they don't....because it would be a hunch coming true. And sometimes...that just hurts too much.

Aw crap, here come the tears.