I've come to a realization over the past week of my sadness. Peopl screw you over. Caring is only a word, there is no such thing as a genuine person. Everyone is fake- including me. People either act emo to be all cool, or people either wear masks to hide pain. If people don't fall in that category then they still have some plastic thing about them.
Yeah..That's what I learned.
But even at this moment I'm still upset over the thing that causes me the most pain. I came out with what causes me the most pain, but the person just brushed me away. If that helps them heal, then fine. That's my wish for them..to heal.."
I found this journal entry on an old website I used to haunt (I did not edit anything, thus, there are many mistakes in it.), and it kind of....I don't know what it makes me feel. I was in my Sophomore year when I typed that entry up. So as I look back on it, I suppose I find it amusing because, well, holy crap, I was an emo child! It saddens me because the words I said are so...empty. I can almost sense the lack of life in it. I also feel...unattached from the writing. I mean, it wasn't me. If I close my eyes, I can almost remember writing that, pouring my heart into that, but it doesn't feel like me.
Looking back on this journal entry, I cannot believe how much I have changed since I was 15, 3, almost 4 years ago!
I never truly believed I have changed that much. Yes, I know that I am different from who I used to be, but I suppose, because I did not have hard evidence, I did not understand the gravity of my change.
I owe all of that to God!
Looking at that old journal entry, I think I have an idea as to what I was talking about, but I don't really know, at the same time. I have an obvious answer, an old friend from the past, but at the same time, I don't believe that it was her. I think it was another friend, another situation, I don't know.
Again, wow.
After seeing that old post, it makes me think....have I grown up? Have I matured? I strongly believe that at that age, because I was taking care of my dad, I was more mature, more grown-up than I am now. After seeing this, I think it is the other way around. I was extremely immature. I was dumb. In the past 3 years, something happened in my heart, and I grew up.
Heck, as dumb as it sounds, I blossomed.
I am not saying that today, I am an "adult". In many many ways I am still a child. I let stupid crushes make and break my day sometimes, I still play pranks, I get upset over the smallest things, I have my mommy (yes, I still say "mommy" too) cook for me.
In many ways I am still indeed a child.
But at the same time, I've taken giant leaps toward adulthood. Toward growing, toward being a woman of God.
I suppose I thought I was mature back then was because I cooked, I cleaned, I believed emotions were worthless so I made sure I didn't feel them, and I kept them locked and guarded under the heaviest protection imaginable. And when I felt...I felt...nothing good. Nothing admirable.
I suppose however, to tie into my title, I looked for a savior. My mouth said "Jesus was the way", but my heart wanted something more. Under my guise of hatred and depression, I was a damsel locked in a castle.
Today, my heart screams and my mouth sings that "Jesus is the way, the truth and the life". Today, He is more than enough. I'm no longer that girl waiting for someone. My Prince came and I was rescued.
It's amazing to see how fast time has gone. How much of a transformation I went under. I think the best part is seeing how week I used to be. :]
But, I don't regret anything I did then...well, there are some things that make me cringe when I think about it, but in the end. I regret nothing. Everything happened for a reason.
After seeing how low I once was, I know there is no where to go but up, and I will put hope in that comforting thought as I continue to grow...
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