State of Neutrality...?

While driving home from Brittany's tonight, that thought suddenly hit me. As I watched the lights turn from red to green and the bass of a song pulse through my speakers I came to notice I saw without seeing.

Maybe it's what they taught in driver's ed. (yes, I still remember stuff), road hypnotism. I don't know if what I expierenced was road hypnotism but maybe. I was about...half way home I think when I realized, "Oh wow, what happened to the last five minutes of my life?"

I tried to think back to those few minutes where I was in limbo. I wasn't thinking about anything in particular, I wasn't really listening to the song, for I have heard it about a hundred times or more, but still love it, I was just...going. Going without really going and seeing without truly seeing. So is that being hypnotized by the road? Well, I don't think so...it's just.....weird, haha...well normal for me I guess.

All tonight I figure now that I was in a state of neutrality. Don't get me wrong, of course I had fun but, neeh *shrug* I dunno how to explain it. I do know I was very shy. I am terribly shy. I don't want to be. But I am so insecure. I don't even know why, either. I guess that's how I'm programmed, to be constantly insecure. Or it is as Juliet once told me, "it's the Asian in you". Albeit, she was talking about something else, but she has a point there, haha.

No, it's not the Asian in me (haha). At least, I don't think so. I think the Asian in me tells me that third isn't good enough (in class I'm ALWAYS third when I put my best efforts into it. If not third I'm usually anywhere between 3-7. It PISSES me off! I mean really, uggggh! Third! Soooo close to first! >.<) and if I want to reach a dream or a goal I'm going to have to fight for it. I think that's what my inner Asian is telling me...and it's also telling me that I'm craving dumplings! -___-

No, I don't think that's my problem, the whole Asian thing...I think...my problem is, I haven't quite found my niche. I feel like a floater; just this random blob that's kinda there and kinda not. A blob that's on the outside for the most part but makes a fun remark every now and again. I don't know why I try so hard to find my place where I have a good enough place with the ones that truly matter. I suppose that somewhere in me, in that place of my soul where I want to make everyone around me happy, I seek acceptance. Of course I don't want friends who aren't quite friends/close to greet me as if we were long-lost best buddies once joined by the hip or something, but simply conversations are nice, right? Who doesn't want to be accepted every now and then.

So yes, I think I am just shy. In my classes at Palomar I have Danielle in English and Nat in Psychology and that's great! I'm so blessed to have them! But in my other two classes I can't make a sound. There are some nice people around me in Dance and in Math class, but I can't force myself to talk to them. I want to, but this time it's just being timid. I don't know how to make friends...I really don't. .___. What do I say? I watch this girl who sits in front of me in Math she can say something to the person in front and to either side of her and right away after that she'll be all "Hi, I'm so-and-so, nice to meet you, what's your name," and go from there. I could consider doing that but there's like this block in me that's like "uuhhmmm no...maybe the next class" or "eeeep....that person doesn't look like they want to be bothered right now, so I won't".

-_______-

Stupid introverted personality!

Yes, so in my state of neutrality, I've figured all this out and more. I've written my first poem in a looong while. Alas, it's not very good, but I suppose it will suffice, right? Yeaaaah...So tomorrow is dedicated to studying. Joy. I'm actually not intimidated by it. If I give it the entire day, I will be productive. Maybe not on consequtive hours on end, but the work will get done! (:

Reading through this...I am a terribly selfish person.

Ugggh...Ihateyou! >.<



Anyway! The poem!

Parade of Heart

Here it is for all to see,

my arms out-stretched

it's all of me.

Every tear, every laugh,

every prayer, every scar.

Every smile, every moment,

every thought while driving the car.

Here I am for all to witness,

a part of me I hold so close--

more secretive than the mind,

yet, less private than the soul.

Here I am out for display,

shedding the cloak of pretense

and masquerade.

Here's my heart

for you to view,

a single float in a heart's parade.

But here's a questionI implore of you......

...Will you still love me by tomorrow's morning?